18 yo wants to transfer to be near boyfriend. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

My stepdaughter is 18, a freshman in college, and a great kid. She chose a college very close to where she grew up (and her mom still lives); her dad and I had hoped she would go farther away to broaden her horizons a bit, but the proximity to home and familiarity with the campus was a huge draw for her (and made her mom happy.). We were also skeptical about in terms of how good of a cultural fit it would be for her (she's pretty conservative, strong faith...and this is a school with a pretty big party/Greek scene that she's really not enjoying).

She also has a serious boyfriend who attends a small, very conservative religious college about 5 hours from her school. You can see where this is going.

Sure enough, last night, she announces to DH that she wants to transfer to the boyfriend's school, that she's already applied, and that she's "not asking for permission." (Um, well, since we're paying her tuition...) She says she now realizes she needs to move farther from home, and wants to be at a smaller school with a religious focus. Except of course she hasn't researched or considered a single school that meets these criteria, other than the one her boyfriend attends.

So now we as her parents and stepparents are faced with three choices. 1) She stays and is miserable at current college. 2) She goes to boyfriend's college and either they break up and she's stuck in this tiny community where she can't escape him, or they get engaged and she's married at age 22 if not sooner. 3) She goes to some other school that meets all of her other criteria, but that is not boyfriend's school...which she's not going to want to do, because BOYFRIEND.

All of these choices seem pretty sucky. We're talking with her mom and stepdad this weekend so we can try to all get on the same page with whatever approach we take. Anyone gone through anything like this? Any advice for us as we look to guide this much-loved young woman?

[Anonymous]

I would let her transfer if she wants to. Even if things with the BF do or do not work out, she'll get an education.

[Anonymous]

Pay for a semester and reassess. Allow her to make a mistake, if indeed it turns out to be one.

[Anonymous]

Even a big party school will have a group of students who are more conservative and religious. Has she done anything to find a group like this? There are couple of months left in the semester, I would ask her what she’s done to find a community for herself at the school where she is.

Also, what is the difference in tuition?

[Anonymous]

let her go, but also start to discuss tuition and it's real financial weight on your family and her mother.

don't make her feel guilty, just let her know you all had budgeted for big state U, but her transferring means she doesn't get a car or whatever.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She has joined a bible study group and another group. She chose her roommates based on her sense of compatibility in those areas...but that hasn't really panned out as much as she'd hoped.

Tuition is $6-7K lower per year at the school she wants to transfer to. But the financial side is the least important to us. Most important is quality education and that she have a good experience.

[Anonymous]

You wanted her to go away and to a college that is more of a cultural fit. This appears to be that. Let her make the decision.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need to ask your permission. That said, if you're footing the bill, you have the right to expect that her decision is thought-out and reasonable. Can you/she cover any difference in tuition? If additional loans are needed, it's perfectly reasonable that she take them out.

Ask her--will she be able to pursue the major she wants at this school? If not, what will she study? What will she do if she and BF break up? It's fair to ask her to look into other schools that fit her criteria (small, religious, farther from home) and at least be able to show that this one is as good as, if not better than, comparable programs.

[Anonymous]

OP again -- and our real concern is, despite the fact that she hasn't found her tribe at the current school, it is very transparent that she mainly wants to transfer to the new school because of her boyfriend. If he were at Big State U my guess is she would want to, and rationalize the need to, transfer there (her current college is a medium-sized private university).

[Anonymous]

Depends on the caliber of the small, very conservative religious college her boyfriend is at -- is it accredited? Does it have the major she wants? Would she have to switch to some BS secretarial program? I grew up around a lot of "small, very conservative religious colleges" and the degrees were both expensive and not worth the paper they were printed on.

If it's a good school and just happens to be where her boyfriend is, I would not stand in her way. Making relationship mistakes is a part of the growing up process during the college years.

[Anonymous]

OP again -- thanks for the input thus far, this is helpful.

What about the concern that this is mainly boyfriend-driven? While it's true that she hasn't found her tribe at the current school, it is pretty transparent that a major driver of her wish to transfer to the new school because of the relationship. If he were at any other school we suspect she might want to, and rationalize the need to, transfer there (her current college is a medium-sized private university).

[Anonymous]

OP here, sorry for the double post, my computer had a hiccup.

We don't yet know about the caliber of the new school -- haven't had a chance to do that homework (and she hasn't done it either, unfortunately).

[Anonymous]

My DH and his then-gf both applied early decision to college, and both got in and enrolled. By the end of freshman year, they had broken up and he wound up meeting me. We've been married 18 years now...

Our alma mater was small - our graduating class was around 850 - but we rarely ever ran into his ex-gf. It wasn't a big deal at all.

So my question to you, OP, is whether this school has the major(s) and supports for your daughter. Bc that's the only real concern.

[Anonymous]

If the tuition is cheaper, and the school is reasonably good, let her go.

You say that she might end up married at 22 as if that's some horrible fate. Your DH is the last person who's in much of a position to be giving relationship advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again -- thanks for the input thus far, this is helpful.

What about the concern that this is mainly boyfriend-driven? While it's true that she hasn't found her tribe at the current school, it is pretty transparent that a major driver of her wish to transfer to the new school because of the relationship. If he were at any other school we suspect she might want to, and rationalize the need to, transfer there (her current college is a medium-sized private university).

What are you going to do about this? If she stays where she is, she's just going to spend all of her time texting with him and listening to him breathe all night. She isn't going to get more involved with other people at school even if she stays there. It's one of the worst parts of our "connected" present -- in my day, you went off to college and high school relationships actually had a chance to die off.

If "conservative" and "religious" can still equal a quality education in your opinion, and she is already those things, then all the objections I'd have to college number two won't figure in your decision anyway. AND is she's conservative, religious, and already has a boyfriend who shares those values, then she was always potentially going to get married young, and possibly already believes deeply that women make sacrifices for family.

If they break up and she's stuck there, maybe she'll be fine, and maybe she'll learn a lesson about following boys. But unless there's something dangerous about this boy, nothing in your post suggests that she was planning on a high-flying single life and career to begin with.