(For women): Do you feel like you've become invisible?

[Anonymous]

Slowly coming to terms with being almost 50. I'm in good shape and I'm told I look younger than I am, but when I look in the mirror I see someone who's getting older. Of course. Hollows under eyes, ever-so-slight sagging in the jawline.

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I am becoming or will become "invisible." I've heard older women say that at some point in middle age, you become invisible, to men, at least: the cute waiter doesn't flirt with you anymore; no one goes out of their way to offer you a hand with your luggage; you walk into a cocktail party and men's eyes slide right past you, looking for someone younger and prettier.

It's funny, thinking about this makes me realize how accustomed I've become to not being invisible, and how much I "use" being attractive, in all kinds of subtle ways. I don't mean to say I'm drop dead gorgeous or a huge flirt: I've never been either. But I suppose like most reasonably attractive women, I've always been aware that being an attractive woman helps me. I'm in a very male-dominated profession, so maybe this has been more true for me than it would be if I was in a different field. But I definitely "use" being attractive: I know I can charm men, and work hard to do so, not to sleep with them but just to ease all the normal professional interactions I have with them. I'm not sure I am expressing this well: it's just that I'm aware of charming many of the men I deal with, and in a way I almost never have to articulate, even to myself, the fact that I can do this feels like part of what enables me to function well in my profession.

And I guess I am scared of losing that. The prospect of perhaps losing that ability to charm -- and ability that is, I fear, linked to being attractive and not too "old" -- makes me realize how much I rely on it.

Does this make any sense? Do you feel like you become invisible after a certain age? If so, how have you handled it or come to terms with it?

(I know, I know, it's inner beauty that matters, and we just have to age gracefully and all that, and I swear I will try. But.)

[Anonymous]

I recall a recent post by a man gloating that his ex-wife would now become "invisible" once she was over 50. Not saying you are a disingenuous poster, OP, just a heads-up that some participants may have hidden motives in continuing the conversation.

As for me, I am almost 50 and have never received as much male attention in my life, now that I separated and soon to be divorced. I'm also moving into the top of my career niche. Most of my friends who are in their 50s seem far from invisible -- there is a lot of joie de vivre and passion for life. Then again, there's probably some self-selection int his group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slowly coming to terms with being almost 50. I'm in good shape and I'm told I look younger than I am, but when I look in the mirror I see someone who's getting older. Of course. Hollows under eyes, ever-so-slight sagging in the jawline.

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I am becoming or will become "invisible." I've heard older women say that at some point in middle age, you become invisible, to men, at least: the cute waiter doesn't flirt with you anymore; no one goes out of their way to offer you a hand with your luggage; you walk into a cocktail party and men's eyes slide right past you, looking for someone younger and prettier.

It's funny, thinking about this makes me realize how accustomed I've become to not being invisible, and how much I "use" being attractive, in all kinds of subtle ways. I don't mean to say I'm drop dead gorgeous or a huge flirt: I've never been either. But I suppose like most reasonably attractive women, I've always been aware that being an attractive woman helps me. I'm in a very male-dominated profession, so maybe this has been more true for me than it would be if I was in a different field. But I definitely "use" being attractive: I know I can charm men, and work hard to do so, not to sleep with them but just to ease all the normal professional interactions I have with them. I'm not sure I am expressing this well: it's just that I'm aware of charming many of the men I deal with, and in a way I almost never have to articulate, even to myself, the fact that I can do this feels like part of what enables me to function well in my profession.

And I guess I am scared of losing that. The prospect of perhaps losing that ability to charm -- and ability that is, I fear, linked to being attractive and not too "old" -- makes me realize how much I rely on it.

Does this make any sense? Do you feel like you become invisible after a certain age? If so, how have you handled it or come to terms with it?

(I know, I know, it's inner beauty that matters, and we just have to age gracefully and all that, and I swear I will try. But.)

I'm 48, blonde, blue-eyed, 5'3" and curvy. I've always been about 10 lbs overweight, but with an hourglass figure and it going to boobs and butt, it's kinda been a bonus. But more than ever now, because my face is still full. You know that saying, "It's either your face or your ass"? I have approached the time where I'm becoming invisible. I don't care. It was a hassle being hit on all the time and looked at like a piece of meat. It's kind of a freeing feeling. I don't need all the perks anymore - let someone else have them. I'm more interested in focusing on my family, my needs, my happiness,. I still get hit on by guys in their mid-30s who think I'm not as old as I am, and I feel flattered. I still get carded. My dentist thinks I'm 35. My kid's friends think I'm around 35 and always comment on how pretty I am. When all of that goes away I'll be so relieved. I feel so sorry for women (and myself) who spent a second of their life thinking their self-worth is wrapped up in their physical appearance. It's sad. Not fair. Time to end that sh***.

[Anonymous]

I'm 60 ish and I don't. I was never a sexy, to die for woman but I was a very attractive girl next door. The key for me is having a DH who still has the hots for me and I'm a grandmother for gods sake. Without him I might feel invisible but I don't think about it because I know he still wants to fool around. I know I'm lucky but without him I'm sure I'd feel invisible except with guys too old to put a smile on my face.

[Anonymous]

My experience has been the opposite. I was more invisible in my 20’s and 30’s. I am now 53 and my visibility keeps increasing. It is disconcerting because I don’t like the attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience has been the opposite. I was more invisible in my 20’s and 30’s. I am now 53 and my visibility keeps increasing. It is disconcerting because I don’t like the attention.

Exactly.

But I know now what styles I like, what looks good on me, what colors work well together, etc. I make enough money to have quality stylish separates that suit me. I have the time and resources to take better care of myself, and I'm a more interesting person.

Darn it.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. Those of us who were quite attractive in our younger years do feel the big drop-off, when hot guys start seeing you as their mom, while they look past you to the young cute woman. You just have to get used to it. It takes some time. I think it's normal to feel a bit sad about the passing of youth and looks and the advantages they gave us.

It took me a couple of years to make peace with the aging process, and I found new confidence, because most of us are a lot cooler and wiser with age. I decided I wanted to enjoy life until the day I drop dead, and I have to love how I am at every phase.

[Anonymous]

Yes! I could have written this post. I feel like high school
and college were just yesterday, but here I am being called ma’am and closer to 50 than 40. I used to be quite pretty! Now I’m invisible.

This is a superficial response, but since your post is about appearance, here’s a great tutorial on using eyeshadow to make your eyes look younger. I do this and it really works. http://www.hotandflashy50.com/

[Anonymous]

^^sorry— search that site for “hooded eyes tutorial” and it comes up.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like some women do, and some women don't. Also sounds like the ones that do often have a change in perspective -- or tricks of the trade -- to mitigate it, so it isn't life-shattering.

Just life.

[Anonymous]

There was a great episode on 6 feet under where the mom and her friend (50s I suppose) go shop lifting because they are so invisible. I think of that whenever I feel down about no one noticing me... it has some advantages if you think about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 60 ish and I don't. I was never a sexy, to die for woman but I was a very attractive girl next door. The key for me is having a DH who still has the hots for me and I'm a grandmother for gods sake. Without him I might feel invisible but I don't think about it because I know he still wants to fool around. I know I'm lucky but without him I'm sure I'd feel invisible except with guys too old to put a smile on my face.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a great episode on 6 feet under where the mom and her friend (50s I suppose) go shop lifting because they are so invisible. I think of that whenever I feel down about no one noticing me... it has some advantages if you think about it!

[Anonymous]

I'm reasonably attractive but I don't use looks and charm to get what I want out of men, certainly not professionally. I've always been annoyed by women who do that in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Hm. Fat black woman here. Not sure I was ever on anyone's radar to begin with so can't relate but I can imagine there would be some loss felt at not getting attention in the way you have always received it without little to no effort.

Also, you may beso focused on the men who "don't see you" that you miss the men who do.