How often to visit ailing mother in faraway country?

[Anonymous]

My mother is 80 and in very poor health, quickly deteriorating because she lives in a developing country with very bad care. (That also means it's a 13-hour flight away, at $2500 a pop.) My sister, who is single, lives at home and for most of her life didn't have a job so relied on my parents for financial support, has been my mom's caretaker since my mom broke her hip a few years ago and everything went downhill. My mom's other issues are diabetes, heart disease and recently also a should injury that makes her unable to use her arm. For a while the issues were manageable, but recently my mom's leg got infected. They put her on a million antibiotics, which didn't seem to work. My mom is in bed all the time, apparently mostly sleeping and also hallucinating, probably caused by the cocktail of medications she's on. (I don't think these include opiates, but I've asked my sister to send me a list of the medications.) My sister is very disorganized and not very interested in anyone's advice (relatives with medical backgrounds have tried to help), but she's doing the best she can.

Now my mom's been taken to the hospital, because my sister got worried about her constant sleeping and hallucinating. It's a new hospital for my mom because they couldn't get a spot in her regular one, and apparently she doesn't even have a GP to coordinate her treatment. (This was news to me, I'd asked them about this before and they always claimed they were well covered with doctors.)

It's been sad to watch all this from afar, and while I try to go twice a year and help, I can't really afford frequent $2500 flights plus time off from work, and it's difficult for my DH to take care of the kids on his own while I'm gone.

What would you do in this situation? I'm afraid my mother might die soon, in which case I should visit as often as I can. But with modern medicine, she could also lurch from crisis to crisis like this for the next 10 years. I am torn and don't know what to do. I don't even think my visits are that helpful, but maybe they help inject some organization into their chaos. I have no idea.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I think there are a few questions here to answer:
1. What does your sister want?
2. What can you afford?
3. what help can you provide from afar?
4. What will you regret not doing once your mom is no longer here.

And then with that info, you make some decisions.

[Anonymous]

I am so very sorry, OP. You should visit NOW, while she can recognize you, and borrow money from family if you cannot afford it. Then you don't need to see her again for some time. But this visit will set your mind at ease.

Our families are in Europe and Asia, and it's incredibly difficult to see loved ones die from afar.

We will never forgive ourselves for not visiting my BIL before he died from brain cancer. The doctors had told us 6 to 12 months. He passed in 3 weeks! He asked for us in the end, and everyone was there at his bedside except us. We all traveled to his funeral.

After that, my husband traveled by himself to see his ailing father, and it's a good thing he did, because it turned out to be his past illness (flu then pneumonia). We all went to his funeral, too.

Now it's his mother and my grandmother. Not in the same countries! We don't know how long each of them have. We might not have the money to travel, but I know some family members would lend us some.

Stay strong, OP. BTW your sister sounds like she might have ADHD. She might not be the best caregiver, but she's doing the best she can. Preserve that relationship.

[Anonymous]

She's 80, has an infection that can't seem to get gone, and is not in her right mind. I'm sorry OP, but she's not going to last another decade. She's going to deteriorate, and quickly.

Let go of the idea that it's hard for your husband to parent his own children. This is his job.

Next, find out about FMLA and taking time off. Go be with your mom. I think it's more important to be with her when she's alive than to go for a funeral when the person you love has already died. But you need to decide what your priority is.

[Anonymous]

Yeah you all are right. I should go. My father died last year under similar circumstances. I wasn't very close to him so didn't regret not seeing him, but it happens quickly.

[Anonymous]

You do realize how much money your sister is saving your parents by being full time caregiver. She's doing them a huge favor. You have no idea what its like being a caregiver. Its not fun and hard work. You should go and support her.

[Anonymous]

Go as soon as possible now, whether your mom gets discharged before you get there or not. You don’t have to decide on a whole schedule of visits right now. This visit will give you more information and then you can make decisions about future visits afterwards.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. My mil is in Europe and for now is in good health but I worry about the future. I agree with everyone that you should go now. Could you bring an ipad to set up there and pay for the connection so you can facetime with her everyday when you come back?
Best wishes to you

[Anonymous]

Go. My parent was across the country and in (we thought), great health. She got news that she needed major surgery and thankfully came to stay with us for the procedure, but I insisted she do all the pre-op appointments on her own with a (paid) senior caregiver because I needed to save my time off for her recovery. She died on the table and I have never forgiven myself for not being there to talk to the doctors myself.

At the very least, you'll be able to find out what's going on and communicate about it with the medical folks in the family who can help. (As your sister seems unable to do.)

[Anonymous]

Go as much as you want and won't feel guilty if she passes. That number could be once a year or 5x a year depending on what you want to do. It's a hard balancing act. Make the time you're there count. Ask things you've always wanted to know, tell your mom things you always wanted to tell her.

[Anonymous]

Go now and stay as long as you can.

No matter what happens you won't regret it.

While you're there, establish ways to be in regular, frequent contact w/ your mother so that you at least know that you have that when you can't be with her. See if there is anything you can put in place for crisis management in the future - so you know you contributed to ensuring she is well cared for.

I'm sorry OP, you're in a rotten space. But you will never regret a single minute (or dollar you spent in the effort) you spent with her once she's gone.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with all of your comments except that it's hard for your DH to take care of the kids while you are gone. This is a big deal. Your mom is sick and that's his darn job as a parent to figure it out and support you. I don't think you need to put yourself in the poor house on flights but it sounds serious now. Maybe you take a trip sooner but still plan on trying to go roughly twice a year but just flex your time based on how she is doing.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry it sounds like your husband isn't very supportive as you navigate both the emotional ups and downs but also tough trade-offs that need to be made in deciding when and how often to go.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She passed away tonight, before I even had a chance to make a decision. Thanks for the advice and sympathy.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your loss. Praying for comfort and strength for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP.