If your parents live in the same town as you...

[Anonymous]

How often do you see each other? How did you figure out a routine? My parents just moved to my city (this is wonderful - I am thrilled!), and they are renting a house about a mile away from ours. It will be an adjustment, of course, as we all figure this out and as they reestablish their lives now that they aren't in the city where they lived for 40 years. I have 3 small kids, so they are going to be involved with them, of course, but I am very aware of not 'abusing' them as far as what I'm asking them to do. They are watching my 5 month old 1 day a week - the rest of the week he's in daycare. They are very boundary-oriented, so I don't really fear them barging in or coming over unannounced, etc. Still - I'd love to hear your routines and arrangements and expectations.

[Anonymous]

Did the watching-him-one-day-a-week arise from them actively wanting/requesting to do so, or from you asking them to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the watching-him-one-day-a-week arise from them actively wanting/requesting to do so, or from you asking them to do so?

Both, really. Before the baby was born, my Mom had indicated she was interested in doing it, potentially. So, when I had to enroll him in daycare, and I asked if she was still interested and made it clear that she didn't need to do it if she didn't want to. I let her pick the day that she preferred to do it. I said she could do it at her house or mine, whichever she preferred. I made it clear that if they traveled on the day that was 'hers', we could put him in the daycare no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the watching-him-one-day-a-week arise from them actively wanting/requesting to do so, or from you asking them to do so?

Both, really. Before the baby was born, my Mom had indicated she was interested in doing it, potentially. So, when I had to enroll him in daycare, and I asked if she was still interested and made it clear that she didn't need to do it if she didn't want to. I let her pick the day that she preferred to do it. I said she could do it at her house or mine, whichever she preferred. I made it clear that if they traveled on the day that was 'hers', we could put him in the daycare no problem.

So you are paying for daycare 5 days a week, but choosing for your parents to watch your son--their idea--one day a week to promote family bonding? But daycare is always, always an option for days that it wouldn't work for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the watching-him-one-day-a-week arise from them actively wanting/requesting to do so, or from you asking them to do so?

Both, really. Before the baby was born, my Mom had indicated she was interested in doing it, potentially. So, when I had to enroll him in daycare, and I asked if she was still interested and made it clear that she didn't need to do it if she didn't want to. I let her pick the day that she preferred to do it. I said she could do it at her house or mine, whichever she preferred. I made it clear that if they traveled on the day that was 'hers', we could put him in the daycare no problem.

So you are paying for daycare 5 days a week, but choosing for your parents to watch your son--their idea--one day a week to promote family bonding? But daycare is always, always an option for days that it wouldn't work for them?

?? I'm not really quite sure why you are fixated on this. I am paying for 4 days a week, but if I used the 5th, I would pay for the 5th, as I can do that easily at this daycare. And yes, daycare is always an option if they don't feel like doing their 'day'. My question is more general - for day to day living - what to people's routines look like?

[Anonymous]

My parents live in the same town as us, also about a mile away, but my child is older (8). They see him 1-2 times a week. They either pick him up from aftercare early, or have him over for dinner afterwards. They used to see him more often (e.g. keeping him for a day or two in the summer instead of camp) but now that he is older and more active, and they are also older, a full day of him is too tiring for them. A few hours 1-2 times a week works best for all.

[Anonymous]

So my situation is a bit different than yours--I live 2 miles from my parents, but in the area where I grew up. My siblings and their kids also live nearby, and my parents are not interested and not physically able to provide full time care for my kid. Anyway, we see my parents every other week approximately, and they babysit maybe every other month (other grand kids also get turns). My kid is in daycare full time since DH and I both work full time, so we like to spend time with her when we are not working/weekends. My parents, since they've lived here for decades, have very full social calendars too.

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced and both remarried, so we have two sets of local grandparents, both "mine." I try to follow their lead in terms of involvement. My mom asked if she could establish a weekly routine of picking them up from daycare (then) and school (now) and spending the afternoon and evening with them. She views it as time with them and also as an opportunity she can give DH and I to have a night off, whether for the purposes of working late or going out to dinner or attending some school board meeting or whatever. The day of the week varies based largely on her schedule and on whether we need her for a specific evening due to a work trip or something like that. It is a real blessing.

My dad and stepmom are not as into routine, so they will ask a day or two in advance if they can drop by for dinner, which means they'll show up in the afternoon, take the kids to the playground or spend time at our house, and get takeout for all of us. They also usually will help with bath/bedtime if DH and I are running late from work. They are around more on the weekends and will come by or invite us over, and occasionally ask to have the kids for a sleepover or we will ask them to take them if we have an event. (My mom has a weekend house outside the city, so is rarely around on weekends.)

In a pinch, we have had a set of grandparents sleep over at our house, when DH and I have work trips that can't be reconciled.

Our kids are currently 6 and 3 with another on the way. No substantial homework yet, so grandparents are pure fun, not disruptive of routine. Both DH and I enjoy their company. No one shows up unannounced. No one overstays their welcome. In other words, this whole thing works well for us because we generally have good boundaries (something I didn't know could be such an issue until I started reading dcum!) and because my parents both adore and are respectful of DH, so there's no inkling of conflict there. And DH is good-natured about the amount of time we spend with them.

I do have a question about whether the respective grandparent sets can handle all three kids on their own (my mom usually comes w/o stepdad, and my dad is not in perfect health mentally or physically so my stepmom tends to do most of the kid-wrangling) once the baby arrives, but we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it I suppose.

[Anonymous]

My parents watch my youngest child part time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the watching-him-one-day-a-week arise from them actively wanting/requesting to do so, or from you asking them to do so?

Both, really. Before the baby was born, my Mom had indicated she was interested in doing it, potentially. So, when I had to enroll him in daycare, and I asked if she was still interested and made it clear that she didn't need to do it if she didn't want to. I let her pick the day that she preferred to do it. I said she could do it at her house or mine, whichever she preferred. I made it clear that if they traveled on the day that was 'hers', we could put him in the daycare no problem.

So you are paying for daycare 5 days a week, but choosing for your parents to watch your son--their idea--one day a week to promote family bonding? But daycare is always, always an option for days that it wouldn't work for them?

?? I'm not really quite sure why you are fixated on this. I am paying for 4 days a week, but if I used the 5th, I would pay for the 5th, as I can do that easily at this daycare. And yes, daycare is always an option if they don't feel like doing their 'day'. My question is more general - for day to day living - what to people's routines look like?

It makes a difference because then they are doing you a bigger favor--a favor you would otherwise have to pay for--vs. you are paying for 5 days of daycare but you choose to have the benefit of more family time.

Now we are clear: they are saving you money, every week. Thus, you need to have a bit more flexibility and patience with them if they cross a boundary or do something you don't like. It's just a different factor that gets factored in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the watching-him-one-day-a-week arise from them actively wanting/requesting to do so, or from you asking them to do so?

Both, really. Before the baby was born, my Mom had indicated she was interested in doing it, potentially. So, when I had to enroll him in daycare, and I asked if she was still interested and made it clear that she didn't need to do it if she didn't want to. I let her pick the day that she preferred to do it. I said she could do it at her house or mine, whichever she preferred. I made it clear that if they traveled on the day that was 'hers', we could put him in the daycare no problem.

So you are paying for daycare 5 days a week, but choosing for your parents to watch your son--their idea--one day a week to promote family bonding? But daycare is always, always an option for days that it wouldn't work for them?

?? I'm not really quite sure why you are fixated on this. I am paying for 4 days a week, but if I used the 5th, I would pay for the 5th, as I can do that easily at this daycare. And yes, daycare is always an option if they don't feel like doing their 'day'. My question is more general - for day to day living - what to people's routines look like?

It makes a difference because then they are doing you a bigger favor--a favor you would otherwise have to pay for--vs. you are paying for 5 days of daycare but you choose to have the benefit of more family time.

Now we are clear: they are saving you money, every week. Thus, you need to have a bit more flexibility and patience with them if they cross a boundary or do something you don't like. It's just a different factor that gets factored in.

That is not what OP asked for guidance on at all! She said they are very boundary focused and not worried about it.

[Anonymous]

I think routines are nice. Not quite the same, but back in my single days I had a group of friends I'd meet for brunch on Saturdays. Not every Saturday, but it was just assumed it in would happen unless something else came up. Same thing on Sunday evenings - a different group where it was just assumed everyone was coming over for dinner unless something else was going on. I think setting up a standard like this, say Sunday dinner at your house, unless something else is going on, sets up a nice regular frequency for get-togethers. Assuming your dh is on board, of course!!

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for all the replies so far! yes, I agree that a routine is best. I don't want things to be up in the air all the time, so I suppose a routine will fall in to place eventually.

[Anonymous]

So, my family doesn't provide regular child care, but they do provide backup (care for mildly ill kids, daycare closed for some reason, etc...)
My best advice is to reciprocate - if they bring or invite you to dinner regularly, then invite them back occasionally! Take care of the house when they travel, offer tech support, etc. Also, invite them to school/daycare events if they are interested in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for all the replies so far! yes, I agree that a routine is best. I don't want things to be up in the air all the time, so I suppose a routine will fall in to place eventually.

PP with two sets of local grandparents, realized I didn't exactly answer your Q. As for *how* we got here, my mom suggested her arrangement. Clearly it was something she had thought out. I said, great! My dad is not as proactive and can be a little awkward but loves seeing the grandkids, so at some point my stepmom said to me that they'd like to be around more, though couldn't commit to one day per week because she still works and is busy, so how did I suggest they do it? And I suggested that they could come by when their schedule permitted, as long as they checked with me to be sure the kids didn't have a conflict (which they almost never do). So, they plan a day or two in advance and it works for them.

I don't mind things being a little bit up in the air. For example, though we cook several nights per week, we don't usually put a ton of effort into meal planning, so a random night of dinner guests and/or takeout doesn't throw things off. But, we do have a Friday night routine that is fairly well set and I usually will not disrupt it and instead suggest an alternative plan.