Tactful way to say you no longer want to exchange gifts?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have come to the decision that, instead of celebrating birthdays/holidays with presents for the adults in our family, we would like to just celebrate with nice meals instead. The problem is that we have very old fashioned parents who we feel won’t be receptive to this.

I should add that we don’t expect gifts for ourselves, and we will be having our children present a gift to their grandparents-either homemade or that we purchase with them-so they understand the value of giving.

Any tactful ways to present this? The first birthday of 2018 is fast approaching.

[Anonymous]

Pick up the phone and call them. Have a reasonable discussion before they plan anything so that no one is inconvenienced.

[Anonymous]

Just do gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have come to the decision that, instead of celebrating birthdays/holidays with presents for the adults in our family, we would like to just celebrate with nice meals instead. The problem is that we have very old fashioned parents who we feel won’t be receptive to this.

I should add that we don’t expect gifts for ourselves, and we will be having our children present a gift to their grandparents-either homemade or that we purchase with them-so they understand the value of giving.

Any tactful ways to present this? The first birthday of 2018 is fast approaching.

I think that what you've said here is tactful enough, but be mindful that they may or may not go along with it. If the gifts are important to them, they may continue what they've been doing all along for their own reasons. If it's important to your parents you might consider giving them the 'gift' of letting them do what they want and saving your decision for your own kids when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

You each need to call your own parent and tell them.

I have tried to say no presents, but it really backfired on me. I got called a grinch, no fun and my parents refused to spend my birthday and Christmas with me and my kids because of it. My parents (who actually are religious!) said that there was no point to spending Christmas with someone who didn't exchange gifts.

Anyways, what worked better for us was a $50 limit. I give a lot of gift cards instead. Just as easy as no gifts, but I don't get hassled. I refuse to participate in the nuclear gifts race where we each try to out gift the other person. My inlaws have started spending $300 on each of us even though we asked them not to. My SIL has started spending that much on them, but I just don't want to. Why do adults need gifts that expensive for every birthday and Christmas?

[Anonymous]

If it’s important to your parents, then you may want to think of an alternative - like no gift exchange for siblings. We long ago stopped gifting our siblings and their kids, but we continued with our parents and our parents continued to gift us.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, you can't decide this for other people. As in, you can't tell your parents to stop buying gifts or to stop expecting them.

What you can do, is when asked what you'd like for your birthday, is to just say "I'd love it if you'd come to dinner with me, instead of buying me a gift". But be prepared to pay for the meal yourself.

When their birthdays come around, offer to take them out to celebrate. Don't bring a gift. Pay the bill.

If they are very attached to the idea of gifts, they might think you are rude for not bringing a gift, so you need to be prepared for that.

My family did this pretty naturally without any big discussion. In my DH's family this would be seen as mutiny. So he is in charge of buying all their gifts.

[Anonymous]

You can only set your own rules about giving gifts. Saying you will no longer receive gift is pretty controlling.

If you don't like to give people gifts, just don't give anything and they will get the message. There really isn't a tactful way to stop giving gifts. Some people see giving and receiving of gifts as a traditional way of celebrating. For many people. receiving a gift lets them know you thought of them and care about them.

Just don't tell them that your husband bought you flowers or jewelry or that you gave him a sweater etc. That sends the message that you do do gifts - just not for them. If you are against giving anything to each other and no one gives or receives in your family - then explain your philosophy to them. Few people share it so it likely won't go over to well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can only set your own rules about giving gifts. Saying you will no longer receive gift is pretty controlling.

If you don't like to give people gifts, just don't give anything and they will get the message. There really isn't a tactful way to stop giving gifts. Some people see giving and receiving of gifts as a traditional way of celebrating. For many people. receiving a gift lets them know you thought of them and care about them.

Just don't tell them that your husband bought you flowers or jewelry or that you gave him a sweater etc. That sends the message that you do do gifts - just not for them. If you are against giving anything to each other and no one gives or receives in your family - then explain your philosophy to them. Few people share it so it likely won't go over to well.

Many people don't believe in adult family members exchanging gifts.

[Anonymous]

When they ask what you want, say "We have so much already -- we'd rather you donated to [charity] or [other charity]." But buy them stuff, because they want stuff.

[Anonymous]

You can’t ask adults to eat with you if they don’t want to. A gift should be for their enjoyment, not for yours. Just give them a gift card for a restaurant or a show if you don’t want to do shopping. I think gifts from the children can be picked by the children (with guidance to think about what the recipient would like) and they can explain to Pop Pop or Auntie Sue why they chose the gift they did.

You and DH can start laying hints to the parents when your own birthdays are rolling around - tell your ILS that your DH would love to go to a ball game with his dad or DH can say that you’d love to have MIL join you and the kids at the butterfly garden as a gift.

[Anonymous]

We tried this op, it didn't work. Think about what you plan to do if they don't go along.

[Anonymous]

We stopped doing this years ago when our kids were little. We just said that we were only going to do gifts for the kids because we were adults and had everything we needed. No one was offended. After we let that sink in for a few years we started just doing gifts for our kids at home and not giving gifts to nieces and nephews. No one seemed to notice by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We stopped doing this years ago when our kids were little. We just said that we were only going to do gifts for the kids because we were adults and had everything we needed. No one was offended. After we let that sink in for a few years we started just doing gifts for our kids at home and not giving gifts to nieces and nephews. No one seemed to notice by then.

Oh, we parents (and kids!) notice that their aunt and uncle aren't doing presents any more. It's pretty glaring.

[Anonymous]

We started doing one present for birthday for our parents from all of us. So for example, my mom gets one present, it's from DH, me and the kids, and the kids make cards. This is the only way we could make it work without hurting them permanently. At their age, they don't understand the desire to have less stuff and a gift means love. It isn't worth making a family divide to me.