Difficult bipolar sister
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Anonymous
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It appears that my sister has abruptly and without provocation cut ties with me. She became outraged that the executor of our mother’s estate (inappropriately, probably) contacted her to pass messages to the rest of the family, and she has blamed...everyone involved, aside from herself, for this unwanted contact. She responded with a series of scathing text messages to my sister and me and said that she was “done with” us. It’s difficult to believe, but that’s all there is to it.
Background- she was hospitalized at 19 and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We are close in age but she is older and she made my childhood and adolescence difficult a lot of the time through intimidation, cold shoulder, etc. Since adulthood and living far apart (she currently lives a 5 hour drive away) she has treated me much better, but I have witnessed her mistreatment of other family members, mostly passive aggressively. She cut ties with my brother over something minor and didn’t speak with him for years until a chilly detente when my mother was terminally ill. There’s a lot of complicated history there, and I don’t want to make this post unnecessarily long. My conundrum is that even though I am reeling, and am angry enough to have no interest in talking to her any time soon, my kids adore her and have no idea yet of her mental illness. She is awesome with kids (who aren’t her own), and they think she is the funniest person who walks the earth. I’m troubled by the thought that they would be affected, and saddened, by her absence from their lives. I would miss her, but not all the bad that comes with a close relationship with her. There’s the side of me that wants to be understanding and forgiving and reach out to her, given that she has an illness that makes her life very difficult, and knowing that she is stubborn enough to potentially never apologize or even contact me again, but there’s another side that that finds her actions unacceptable and says that she needs to be the one to fix this. I would love some words from others who have wrestled with similar relationships, and were/are similarly torn about what to do. Is it just rollercoaster and acceptance of unacceptable behavior or nothing? Thanks. |
Anonymous
| Funny how you have a whole paragraph about how awful she has been, yet you spend no time reflecting on your own actions. It sounds like she may have reason to be upset. |
Anonymous
What actions? This came out of the blue. She came for a weeklong visit at Thanksgiving and it was a good visit. We exchanged well received and appreciated Christmas gifts. A week ago she texted me a photo of a magazine cover with a mountain that we have hiked and we talked fondly of that. That was it until she sent me an outraged diatribe yesterday, triggered by communication from a third party, not me. She cut off my sister and me because a lawyer contacted her to pass on a message for him. It threw her into a rage and she lashed out at us. Do you have experience with bipolar family members? |
Anonymous
OP pretty clearly explained how her sister cut her and another sibling off due to a perceived problem with a third party. You post shows you don't get how very easily people with BPD can suddenly believe there's a slight where none exists, or assign blame to whichever family members they think they have issues with--regardless of reality. OP, your kids sound too young for you to explain this-- is that right? How often did they see her before she decided to cut you off? It's to your advantage that she's five hours away, frankly, since they likely weren't seeing her in person often. I'd wait to see when and how they bring it up themselves, rather than bringing it up yourself first. If they ask when they'll see or talk to aunt, I'd start with simply saying she's really busy and it might be a while; then distract them. She might change her mind (does she do that? If she called or FaceTimed etc. with them, maybe do more of that with other relatives (without saying its in place of aunt, of course). I'm sorry she's done this but at least she's not local where you'd have to deal with the kids expecting to see her a lot in person (I hope). |
Anonymous
My kids are 12 and 8. They have never witnessed any troubling behaviors that we couldn’t explain away, so they don’t know yet how she can be. A couple of times when she has visited us she has gone out in the evening without explanation and not returned until the following day, but we didn’t let the kids know that we had no idea where she was or when she would be back. We generally see her 3-4 times a year, with no set pattern to the visits, so the kids don’t have any expectation af seeing her anytime soon. It will be easy enough to explain away her absence for months, but not forever. I don’t have experience with her cutting me off long term, but she has done it to other family members for both short and long periods (years) of time. I don’t know if she ever changes her mind after she writes someone off, but I do know that she is capable of permanent rifts over trivial things. You are right that I am lucky that we don’t live close together. That has been the saving grace so far that has allowed us to have an uninterrupted, mostly healthy relationship throughout our adult lives. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like your sister has borderline Personality Disorder NOt Bipolar disorder. |
Anonymous
| Is she medicated? And if she's diagnosed as bipolar, why is the PP looking to diagnose her with something else? Are you a medical professional? I have BPD, and this is not something that I would even think of doing. I know all about my diagnosis, and how to manage it. This is not BPD. I would suggest letting her cool down before trying to talk to her, which is how we deal with my stepdad, and then explain that you had no way to know that the lawyer would contact her, and that you will do everything in your power to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Speak with the lawyer and explain that this sister cannot handle being the one who contacts everyone else, due to her medical problems. Tell her that your kids miss her, and want to know when she can come and play with them again. Build her up. That is how we manage my stepdad, and it works. |
Anonymous
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I have no relationship with my mentally ill sister and it doesn't seem to affect me at all and appears to be what she wants. I don't get involved with her difficulties with other family members. I don't shun her but I don't contact her either and we go years between seeing each other at family gatherings and otherwise have no contact.
If this is what she wants then leave her be. Don't try to force a relationship. Stay out of her relationship with other people. If she decides to reestablish a relationship with you that would be a time for you to establish some ground rules for your own mental health. Do not allow her to take advantage of you or abuse you; her mental illness is not your responsibility. It is not the end of world if you and your sister never speak again and it might actually be better for both of you. |
Anonymous
| My brother had bipolar disorder. Your sister sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. |
Anonymous
| What’s with the PPs arguing for a different diagnosis? OP didn’t say, I read an article about bipolar disorder and think my sister has that. She said her sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and hospitalized because of it. That’s not something that happens lightly or because some rando thinks she has a few symptoms of a mental illness. |
Anonymous
Op, I would leave it for now. She'll probably change her mind. When would be the next time you'd typically see/communicate with her? I would just do that, e.g. Send her a valentine or extend invitation to Easter. I doubt she means what she said as hurtful as it was. |
Anonymous
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My children knew from a very young age (3 and 8) that my mother could be both kind and attentive, then cruel and accusatory. That's because I saw the progression in how she treated them, so I had to prepare them before it hit them too hard. I suggest you do the same. My kids are now the same age as your kids. That is an appropriate age to have a conversation, explaining why you have to limit interactions with your sister. Please make sure to insist on the fact that a person's quirks inform the entire personality. She probably wouldn't be so fun if she didn't have that side to her character! Just like my mother, who wouldn't so caring and nurturing and then have a fit, if she wasn't very, very anxious and in denial about it. This greatly helps children take the good with the bad and understand people as a whole. You all have to present a united front, so please include them in a candid discussion as soon as you can figure out how to phrase things. I also want to add that there is no shame in having a mental disorder. That part is not anyone's fault. It just means everyone has to stay aware and be prepared to retreat. |