Please help me stop undermining my boss

[Anonymous]

I work in a place with lots of meetings. There have been a couple over the last year where I, unintentionally, undermined my boss by speaking out when it was clear that she wanted to take the lead. In the moment, I thought I was contributing useful information. But in retrospect I csn see it would have been better if I just stayed silent and let her do her thing (as she is really smart and good at her job). How do I temper my desire to contribute and STFU?

In most situations, we'll coordinate ahead of time about a plan of attack. But that is not always feasible. I need to learn to defer to her, I just don't know how. TIA for any constructive suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Your job is to make your boss look smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your job is to make your boss look smart.

At least it is to not make him or her look dumb.

[Anonymous]

1. Every time you feel the urge to speak, count to 5 first. Use the time to think about whether the thing you're going to say is truly necessary and advances your boss's goals. Consider that you may have less information than your boss does.

2. Then, one of the following:
- Say nothing.
- If a question was asked and there's a silence, ask, "[Boss], do you want me to speak to that?"
- If there's no silence but you really think something is being overlooked, pass your boss a note. For example, "Should we mention [thing]?"

3. If you said nothing, take the opportunity later to say, "[Boss], I thought about mentioning [thing] in our meeting but wasn't sure I should. What do you think?" It can be casual, or you can explicitly say to your boss that talking less in meetings is something you're working on and you'd appreciate feedback.

Good luck to you. I'm an interrupter -- I'm working on it! -- so I get it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think what you are doing is undermining I think it’s simply interrupting. Undermining has intent behind it, you just have impulse control issues.

Just be glad you actually respect your supervisor because some of us don’t. I have two layers of managers above me who I view as complete idiots most days. Biting your tounge and watching your expressions is much harder in these instances.

[Anonymous]

What is the context of the these meeting? If I am in a meeting with my boss and executives above her, I listen and take my own notes. I try to decipher what is being said and what is being implied but not directly said. After the meeting I will recap with my boss t make sure I understand where we are going and if possible why - other than it being because the higher up person said so. If it am in a meeting with a customer, usually we are trying to get feedback from them or we are giving status updates. That’s really not the time/place for big debates unless this is a brainstorming or cover pro/cons to get to a decision. If I am in a meeting with my peers, if that’s not the time place to discuss ideas and speak up, when is the right time? Usually the lead will give everyone a chance to speak up. If you fervently disagree with something that everyone else seems okay, you may need to either have an offline conversation with yhe lead or come back to the group with more info so we can discuss it. There are facilitation techniques like 6 thinking hats for strructred discussion of differenr ideas.

Also, stop to think why you are speaking. Is it to be the center of attention like the person that says they have a question but really use to show off what they know? Are you genuinely concerned something is being missed? If your boss already thought of it, either it is a communication thing where you weren’t in the pro/con, detailed discussion or you ar missing that it was covered or it is being left unsaid. Often people phrase it as a question, like are we planning to take a backup? Not we shouldn’t or should. This allows for a discussion to come out of information you may not know, debate if it’s right for this situation, clarification, “yes it’s on the checklist” or a “thanks, I’ll add it”

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP who suggests asking something along the lines of: “Would you like me to speak to that?”

[Anonymous]

You say your boss is really good at her job and smart yet you don't treat her that way. By interjecting when it's not your place to do so, you are showing her and everyone else in the meeting that your boss doesn't have your trust or respect. And I get it, I used to be that way too. When I was fresh out of college, I was just so sure that my voice needed to be heard and that every thought that wandered across the empty field of my brain was a gem of an idea that needed to be shared with the world. Looking back, I really wish someone had encouraged me to maybe stuff a sock in it.

Here's how I overcame the urge to sing like a canary at every opportunity:
1- asked myself "What is the impact of this not getting covered?" It's very rare that if a topic or issue isn't brought up in a particular meeting that it will never be addressed. If my boss really fails to cover what I think is an important topic, I'll bring it up afterwards unless it's a do or die meeting. In those (Very Rare) instances, I'll bring it up as a question - "Sarah, do you think we need to discuss xyz or is that not necessary in this meeting?" But again, those are VERY RARE occurrences.
2 - Clarify with my boss in advance whether she wants me to speak up in a meeting or if I'm there as an observer for her and someone she can call on as needed. My boss is very good about deferring to the SMEs on the team when she needs some input from someone else so when she needs me to talk, she'll ask me to.
3 - Ask myself "Is Boss aware of this issue I think needs to be discussed now?" It's one thing if she's unaware of an issue or topic that is pertinent to the conversation but if she's aware and not bringing it up, she may have a good reason for it.
4 - As PPs have stated, when a thought pops into your head you think NEEDS to be discussed, take a minute. Wait a beat. Go back to question 1. Go back to question 3.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure you are doing anything wrong. Are you invited to the meeting as a participant? If yes, then your opinion is also valued.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your boss about this and see what she says.

[Anonymous]

I had one of these on my team (not my direct report) and people noticed him--in a BAD way. The general consensus was that he was enthusiastic and eager but tone-deaf and as a result he lost out on many opportunities because it was felt he couldn't be trusted in certain situations.

Ask your boss what you can do about it. If she is a good boss, she will appreciate that you acknowledge the problem and help you work on it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you to PPs for the suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try to make eye contact with your boss before speaking up? If you see her preparing to speak, you can relax.