DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"

[Anonymous]

How much would this bother you? Without my knowledge my DH invited his stepmother to move in and be our "au pair." I don't think she'd take him up on it, but still ... It bugs me in large part because DH already leaves me to be the default parent, and now it seems like he just wants ANOTHER female in the house to do his work for him. Not to mention the fact that I am the one who has to do all the hosting work when she visits, so it's not like it's actually less work for me. (I mean, she's helpful, but I have to do all the planning, shopping, scheduling etc etc.) DH also disappears for long stretches of time when she visits and expects me to entertain her.

[Anonymous]

Oh F no. That is absolutely ridiculous. One member of a couple does not invite someone to live with them, or make huge decisions about child care, without consulting the other You need to have a serious chat with your fool husband.

[Anonymous]

He sounds kinda nutty. Who invites someone to live with them, before checking with their spouse?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much would this bother you? Without my knowledge my DH invited his stepmother to move in and be our "au pair." I don't think she'd take him up on it, but still ... It bugs me in large part because DH already leaves me to be the default parent, and now it seems like he just wants ANOTHER female in the house to do his work for him. Not to mention the fact that I am the one who has to do all the hosting work when she visits, so it's not like it's actually less work for me. (I mean, she's helpful, but I have to do all the planning, shopping, scheduling etc etc.) DH also disappears for long stretches of time when she visits and expects me to entertain her.

What does he imagine that she will be doing as your au pair? What does he think an au pair does?

[Anonymous]

Hahahaha yeah, that won’t be happening. Even if she tries to take him up on it, tell her there was a miscommunication.

I’d be furious.

[Anonymous]

Au Pairs have to be under the age of 26. So his plan fails before it even starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds kinda nutty. Who invites someone to live with them, before checking with their spouse?!

+1 You have a DH communication problem. Nothing to do with the step-mother.

[Anonymous]

Like, you didn’t even talk about it and it was his idea? Or like she suggested it and he made hmmming noises and now there’s an accidental mess?

[Anonymous]

Was it a joke, OP? Since you said she won't take him up on it I'm kind of leaning toward dumb joke on his part, which I wouldn't make an issue out of.

If he was genuinely trying to get another person to live in your house without your input/approval -- that's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Good Lord.

Tell him that idea is ridiculous, and start implementing plans that require his presence for her next visit--and make them shorter! Let it be his job to host, or at least be present, while *you* go do something for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Uh. This would bother me A LOT.

[Anonymous]

A different POV: my DH can do things like this, and he does it trying to help me out. It's not in the end, his ideas are always impractical, but he sees me working my butt off with a FT job, long commute, two kids who are very involved in their sports. I'll complain when he sits down and watches two straight hours of his TV shows, "gee I would like to watch some TV too". So he tries to solve it. Of course not by him picking up the slack, but he does think he's "helping".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A different POV: my DH can do things like this, and he does it trying to help me out. It's not in the end, his ideas are always impractical, but he sees me working my butt off with a FT job, long commute, two kids who are very involved in their sports. I'll complain when he sits down and watches two straight hours of his TV shows, "gee I would like to watch some TV too". So he tries to solve it. Of course not by him picking up the slack, but he does think he's "helping".

Ha, thanks for this. I think this is actually very similar to my DH. Sometimes I need a reminder that he just doesn't think in a normal way and that dots get connected in ways that appear bizarre to an outside observer. I'm sure he thought it was a wonderful family idea, giving his stepmother (who likes to travel and lives on a limited income) a change of scenery and a chance to spend more time with her grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A different POV: my DH can do things like this, and he does it trying to help me out. It's not in the end, his ideas are always impractical, but he sees me working my butt off with a FT job, long commute, two kids who are very involved in their sports. I'll complain when he sits down and watches two straight hours of his TV shows, "gee I would like to watch some TV too". So he tries to solve it. Of course not by him picking up the slack, but he does think he's "helping".

Ha, thanks for this. I think this is actually very similar to my DH. Sometimes I need a reminder that he just doesn't think in a normal way and that dots get connected in ways that appear bizarre to an outside observer. I'm sure he thought it was a wonderful family idea, giving his stepmother (who likes to travel and lives on a limited income) a change of scenery and a chance to spend more time with her grandchild.

Are your husbands competent adults in the rest of their lives? For instance, at work would they offer a huge contract to an outside consultant without getting internal approval first? If so, this is not a matter of cute differences in thought process, it’s a total lack of respect for your role as a coequal adult in your household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much would this bother you? Without my knowledge my DH invited his stepmother to move in and be our "au pair." I don't think she'd take him up on it, but still ... It bugs me in large part because DH already leaves me to be the default parent, and now it seems like he just wants ANOTHER female in the house to do his work for him. Not to mention the fact that I am the one who has to do all the hosting work when she visits, so it's not like it's actually less work for me. (I mean, she's helpful, but I have to do all the planning, shopping, scheduling etc etc.) DH also disappears for long stretches of time when she visits and expects me to entertain her.

No no no.

No grandparents pretending to be au pairs and live in YOUR house.

No paying grandparents in food or money or housing to live in your house and pretent to be you au pair.

No au pair of any sort in order to ENABLE your husband to check-out of his fathering and husbanding duties.

No dumping everything on you all the time and not communicating big decisions like this.