Friend constantly on the lookout for rich old men

[Anonymous]

What would you say??

Went to dinner with a longtime female friend who was in town -- we've known each other since law school. She's 42-43 now - single. She did the biglaw thing for 4-5 years post law school and then went to a non profit -- making very little money in NYC -- and no she doesn't come from family money; grew up in Harlem, still lives there now. She is very much into this non profit's mission -- something about rehabilitating ex cons. So in the half dozen or so years that she's been at the non profit, she's very much "looked down" upon the rest of her friend group who she claims is "selling out" for the money by doing jobs they aren't passionate about -- firms; in house; trade associations; govt. IMO unless you have family wealth, if you have a job offer someplace you're passionate about vs. one that you like just fine that pays 2x/3x as much -- you take the one that pays; that's the nature of work for me.

So for someone who claims money does/should NOT matter, the last few times we've gone out, I've noticed she spends a LOT of time talking about rich older men and how they are soooo interested in her, find her soooo attractive. I realize at 42, there are people who date 48 yr olds or 52 yr olds or whatever. Yet she's talking about 65 year old cardiologists, surgeons and construction company owners and law firm partners in NYC who are loaded. As if it's normal to date/try to date someone who is nearly your father's age. What would you say, if anything?? If money doesn't matter at all, then why chase old men with money?? Or if it does matter, why not move on from the non profit and try to make more money yourself?

[Anonymous]

Why would you say anything?

[Anonymous]

I married someone 19 years older than myself, and it wasn't for the money, so... I think you cannot presume what her motivations are, unless she told you explicitly she was looking to marry wealth.

And even is she is looking for married comfort, is that such a bad thing? Do you understand the difference there might be to her, to keep doing what she loves, yet have a comfortable life and be "someone's" wife, rather than work all day at something she doesn't want to do but pays the bills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you say anything?

Because sometimes she'll ask what I think (I kind of defer). Sometimes it's just regular conversation so you end up saying the same stuff that you'd say about any boyfriend -- how did you meet; oh that's nice that you're going away together etc. It's just back and forth conversation with friends where it's odd to sit silent, and yet it seems inappropriate to ask directly why 65 year old drs are her preference and why she's talking about their money (or how she even knows - sure a 65 yr old cardiologist could be really rich, or he could be paying alimony and child support for multiple ex wives and kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I married someone 19 years older than myself, and it wasn't for the money, so... I think you cannot presume what her motivations are, unless she told you explicitly she was looking to marry wealth.

And even is she is looking for married comfort, is that such a bad thing? Do you understand the difference there might be to her, to keep doing what she loves, yet have a comfortable life and be "someone's" wife, rather than work all day at something she doesn't want to do but pays the bills?

This. I had a number of friends in the NYC non profit space and it was VERY common for them to be married to bankers and law firm lawyers. Not suggesting they married just for the money, but they were very relieved that they were married to someone who could pay for everything, so that they could do what they loved (or in some instances – so that they could have an easy job that didn’t pay much but allowed them to still say they were lawyers at the cocktail parties; these ones obviously didn’t invest much into the jobs, came and went as they pleased etc. Doesn’t sound like that’s your friend’s case.)

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is all that uncommon esp in NYC. But I do think the rich older men have gotten pretty savvy about it. Many want a younger gf and will have her live with them, travel/dining etc. BUT they won't marry. Or if they marry it'll be with an airtight pre nup to make sure their 401k, their kids etc. are protected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is all that uncommon esp in NYC. But I do think the rich older men have gotten pretty savvy about it. Many want a younger gf and will have her live with them, travel/dining etc. BUT they won't marry. Or if they marry it'll be with an airtight pre nup to make sure their 401k, their kids etc. are protected.

They aren't stupid. They know it's a de facto quid pro quo. They'll give her enough to be fair.

[Anonymous]

Her life. There's nothing wrong with her wanting to be comfortable. Let her live.

[Anonymous]

If she's in her 40s and wants to marry a rich guy, she's gonna have to skew older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's in her 40s and wants to marry a rich guy, she's gonna have to skew older.

+1. The single guys making law firm or banking partner or getting their first attending job in cardiology at 35 are typically marrying 25-32 yr olds. Then there’s a whole crop of men from 35-55 that are married. Some of them become available upon divorce at age 55+.

[Anonymous]

I tend to avoid women who can't earn their own living. More so if they are educated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you say??

Went to dinner with a longtime female friend who was in town -- we've known each other since law school. She's 42-43 now - single. She did the biglaw thing for 4-5 years post law school and then went to a non profit -- making very little money in NYC -- and no she doesn't come from family money; grew up in Harlem, still lives there now. She is very much into this non profit's mission -- something about rehabilitating ex cons. So in the half dozen or so years that she's been at the non profit, she's very much "looked down" upon the rest of her friend group who she claims is "selling out" for the money by doing jobs they aren't passionate about -- firms; in house; trade associations; govt. IMO unless you have family wealth, if you have a job offer someplace you're passionate about vs. one that you like just fine that pays 2x/3x as much -- you take the one that pays; that's the nature of work for me.

So for someone who claims money does/should NOT matter, the last few times we've gone out, I've noticed she spends a LOT of time talking about rich older men and how they are soooo interested in her, find her soooo attractive. I realize at 42, there are people who date 48 yr olds or 52 yr olds or whatever. Yet she's talking about 65 year old cardiologists, surgeons and construction company owners and law firm partners in NYC who are loaded. As if it's normal to date/try to date someone who is nearly your father's age. What would you say, if anything?? If money doesn't matter at all, then why chase old men with money?? Or if it does matter, why not move on from the non profit and try to make more money yourself?

Why is it your business? She is old herself for the dating market at 42-43. That is where they do best, at 42-43 a woman doesnt have the age range for serious dating a man does. Just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

I'd say she could come after me, but I'm poor by DCUM standards and therefore economically challenged. Middle 60's and only worth 2.5 million.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this. She found millionaire but he probably doesn't know that. Their relationship is horrible. So I don't really recommend it but it's not my business.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t seem like OP is affirmatively making it her business but if friend is saying “what do you think,” do you give an honest(ish) opinion or do you say everytime “whatever makes you happy”?