tween boy hanging out/playdate

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old DS has always been a really nice kid, a bit quirky, but had friends. This year, although he has friends at school, he has not had a single friend over to the house. Has done a couple things outside of school with them but had no interest in having anyone over. Has this happened to anyone, any advice on how to encourage seeing friends or is this a normal part of this age for some kids? He is busy with activities and also sees other friends there. He was just so enthusiastic when younger and always wanted to have a friend over when given the chance? When I ask him he just says he is tired after school/ activities and wants the downtime to himself. I think this is reasonable but at the same time I worry a bit that something is going on that I am missing. Any thoughts or BTDT?

[Anonymous]

My son often facetimes friends while they are playing video games on the computer. Especially in the cold weather. Otherwise, he's just chilling out at home alone. In better weather, he goes outside and hangs out with friends, playing basketball or something.

If he's an introvert, he likely needs the down time. Time with friends at school and activities would be plenty for him. If he's more naturally extroverted, then I might inquire a little further.

[Anonymous]

Not unusual. If he is eating lunch with friends, he is good. As a mom five years ahead of you with a kid like this, here is what I know.

I think the big schools these kids attend are just too noisy for some kids, so the introverted are truly done by the end of the day, especially if there is a club or two.

Kids do need to do less face-to-face socializing because of technology. Not all good or all bad.

Kids don't have the freedom to roam like we did, so plans have to be made further in advance. Not a tween strength.

Definitely pay attention and make sure you make it easy for him to engage outside of school. Drive when asked, have him invite a kid along, make your house comfortable for hanging out....

Don't over-restrict screen time. Of course, limits are important and maintaining good grades is also important, but a lot of quality social interaction occurs on line now, and youwant your kid to have access and learn good habits.

(Before you flip out, my kid uses software to code cooperatively with his buds for a joint project. He games on-line with a regular group of nice people from around the world. They don't curse or talk about anything but the game. He also wastes time texting, but that is no different from me sitting in the front hall closet on the phone back in the day)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not unusual. If he is eating lunch with friends, he is good. As a mom five years ahead of you with a kid like this, here is what I know.

I think the big schools these kids attend are just too noisy for some kids, so the introverted are truly done by the end of the day, especially if there is a club or two.

Kids do need to do less face-to-face socializing because of technology. Not all good or all bad.

Kids don't have the freedom to roam like we did, so plans have to be made further in advance. Not a tween strength.

Definitely pay attention and make sure you make it easy for him to engage outside of school. Drive when asked, have him invite a kid along, make your house comfortable for hanging out....

Don't over-restrict screen time. Of course, limits are important and maintaining good grades is also important, but a lot of quality social interaction occurs on line now, and youwant your kid to have access and learn good habits.

(Before you flip out, my kid uses software to code cooperatively with his buds for a joint project. He games on-line with a regular group of nice people from around the world. They don't curse or talk about anything but the game. He also wastes time texting, but that is no different from me sitting in the front hall closet on the phone back in the day)

I agree with this completely. Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unusual. If he is eating lunch with friends, he is good. As a mom five years ahead of you with a kid like this, here is what I know.

I think the big schools these kids attend are just too noisy for some kids, so the introverted are truly done by the end of the day, especially if there is a club or two.

Kids do need to do less face-to-face socializing because of technology. Not all good or all bad.

Kids don't have the freedom to roam like we did, so plans have to be made further in advance. Not a tween strength.

Definitely pay attention and make sure you make it easy for him to engage outside of school. Drive when asked, have him invite a kid along, make your house comfortable for hanging out....

Don't over-restrict screen time. Of course, limits are important and maintaining good grades is also important, but a lot of quality social interaction occurs on line now, and youwant your kid to have access and learn good habits.

(Before you flip out, my kid uses software to code cooperatively with his buds for a joint project. He games on-line with a regular group of nice people from around the world. They don't curse or talk about anything but the game. He also wastes time texting, but that is no different from me sitting in the front hall closet on the phone back in the day)

I agree with this completely. Great advice.

I agree except for restricting screen time. You need to restrict screen time so that your kid (especially the introverts) don't replace seeing friends in person with seeing friends online/texting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unusual. If he is eating lunch with friends, he is good. As a mom five years ahead of you with a kid like this, here is what I know.

I think the big schools these kids attend are just too noisy for some kids, so the introverted are truly done by the end of the day, especially if there is a club or two.

Kids do need to do less face-to-face socializing because of technology. Not all good or all bad.

Kids don't have the freedom to roam like we did, so plans have to be made further in advance. Not a tween strength.

Definitely pay attention and make sure you make it easy for him to engage outside of school. Drive when asked, have him invite a kid along, make your house comfortable for hanging out....

Don't over-restrict screen time. Of course, limits are important and maintaining good grades is also important, but a lot of quality social interaction occurs on line now, and youwant your kid to have access and learn good habits.

(Before you flip out, my kid uses software to code cooperatively with his buds for a joint project. He games on-line with a regular group of nice people from around the world. They don't curse or talk about anything but the game. He also wastes time texting, but that is no different from me sitting in the front hall closet on the phone back in the day)

I agree with this completely. Great advice.

I agree except for restricting screen time. You need to restrict screen time so that your kid (especially the introverts) don't replace seeing friends in person with seeing friends online/texting

Same thoughts. I agree except screentime. It also affects their sleep to have too much. There is research to support this. Also, there really is more value to in person time and a lot of risk of miscommunication online. I have not met one expert who thinks unrestricted screentime is a goodthing even if your kid is coding, communicating respectfully with kids and/or researching his Ph.D. dissertation at the age of 14! It isn 't healthy to have too much and I have not found one bit of research supporting it's use except in moderation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 year old DS has always been a really nice kid, a bit quirky, but had friends. This year, although he has friends at school, he has not had a single friend over to the house. Has done a couple things outside of school with them but had no interest in having anyone over. Has this happened to anyone, any advice on how to encourage seeing friends or is this a normal part of this age for some kids? He is busy with activities and also sees other friends there. He was just so enthusiastic when younger and always wanted to have a friend over when given the chance? When I ask him he just says he is tired after school/ activities and wants the downtime to himself. I think this is reasonable but at the same time I worry a bit that something is going on that I am missing. Any thoughts or BTDT?

My 11yr old (middle school in my county) is like this. Im an extrovert and at first it worried me, i was worried he was depressed. However, now Im embracing this. He's a homebody and I've flipped the script and I'm happy i have a boy who like being at home. He happily catches a movie with me, we had a grest lunch, just him and I yesterday, and last night we sat on the couch and watched a few episodes of Young Sheldon.

My son does however have 1 really good best friend that he enjoys spending time with. This boy is very similar to my son and i think they both fill each others social cup.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your post about my 13-year-old DS. Same exact scenario. I’m keeping my eye on him, but so far, he seems content to socialize only at school and during activities. For the most part, he’s not interested in hanging out and never makes plans unless someone else initiates. He’s also not interested in social media which I’m more than ok with, but my sense is that is how a lot of kids are communicating these days so that may be part of it. I have no idea if this is “normal” for this age, but he seems happy so I’m going with that for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post about my 13-year-old DS. Same exact scenario. I’m keeping my eye on him, but so far, he seems content to socialize only at school and during activities. For the most part, he’s not interested in hanging out and never makes plans unless someone else initiates. He’s also not interested in social media which I’m more than ok with, but my sense is that is how a lot of kids are communicating these days so that may be part of it. I have no idea if this is “normal” for this age, but he seems happy so I’m going with that for now.

My 12 year old is the same. He has a phone but thinks social media is “stupid”. He eats with a group at lunch, but never sees them outside of school. He has two friends that don’t go to his school that he sometimes hangs out with. He seems content at home and likes hanging around adults more than kids (during the holidays he did this rather than playing with his cousins). My main issue is he doesn’t do anything else outside of school - no clubs or sports. He did one Club last year in 6th, but didn’t really enjoy it. So far I have not pushed anything this year, but at some point he has to do something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unusual. If he is eating lunch with friends, he is good. As a mom five years ahead of you with a kid like this, here is what I know.

I think the big schools these kids attend are just too noisy for some kids, so the introverted are truly done by the end of the day, especially if there is a club or two.

Kids do need to do less face-to-face socializing because of technology. Not all good or all bad.

Kids don't have the freedom to roam like we did, so plans have to be made further in advance. Not a tween strength.

Definitely pay attention and make sure you make it easy for him to engage outside of school. Drive when asked, have him invite a kid along, make your house comfortable for hanging out....

Don't over-restrict screen time. Of course, limits are important and maintaining good grades is also important, but a lot of quality social interaction occurs on line now, and youwant your kid to have access and learn good habits.

(Before you flip out, my kid uses software to code cooperatively with his buds for a joint project. He games on-line with a regular group of nice people from around the world. They don't curse or talk about anything but the game. He also wastes time texting, but that is no different from me sitting in the front hall closet on the phone back in the day)

I agree with this completely. Great advice.

Parent of two 16 year old boys here - I also agree completely.

Posters pointing out (legitimate) concerns about screen time run amok, note that this poster cautions against OVER-restricting and does not advocate NO restrictions on screen time. It is so true that on-line socialization is a real and important part of these kids' social landscapes.

My preference would be to (mostly) eliminate screen-time in our house except for what's necessary for school work. But that's not realistic and would be really unfair to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Another mom with a kid who seems happy but doesn't hang out with friends much at all. He does have one friend he gets together with, but almost always at my suggestions. He seems happy, talks about the kids he hangs out with at school -- sits with at lunch or before school -- but doesn't seem to want or need to socialize with outside of school. He does do a few extracurriculars and enjoys those.
Sometimes I do wonder/worry, but as long as he seems content, I try to back off.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, same thing with our 13 years old son. I do push him for a quarterly gathering with all his friends, inviting a few over for a movie and pizza. So far that has helped.

[Anonymous]

I can attest to boys this age not really wanting to hang out in the traditional sense - I have a 14 yo DS who wants to hang out but can't get other boys to do so. No shortage in boys wanting to get on Xbox and play with each other remotely, but trying to organize boys going bowling or seeing the new Star Wars movie proved impossible.

I was talking with a coworker, who has now-grown sons, and she mentioned boys wanting the autonomy to do their thing on their own. That they really aren't interested in mom and dad (or another parent, as I've offered to pick up and drop off) driving them around to something like this. Maybe when all our sons can start driving they'll be more social?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 year old DS has always been a really nice kid, a bit quirky, but had friends. This year, although he has friends at school, he has not had a single friend over to the house. Has done a couple things outside of school with them but had no interest in having anyone over. Has this happened to anyone, any advice on how to encourage seeing friends or is this a normal part of this age for some kids? He is busy with activities and also sees other friends there. He was just so enthusiastic when younger and always wanted to have a friend over when given the chance? When I ask him he just says he is tired after school/ activities and wants the downtime to himself. I think this is reasonable but at the same time I worry a bit that something is going on that I am missing. Any thoughts or BTDT?

Why don't you encourage him to get his young butt out of the house and explore the neighborhood? He would probably be surprised that friends from school actually live near him. This play date nonsense has to stop. If he was four or five then ok but at 13? No way in hell.

[Anonymous]

stop calling it a play date!