struggling to get along with SIL

[Anonymous]

First and foremost my SIL is bipolar(very mild case) and refuses to take her medication. Her husband convinced her to stop taking her medication because in his opinion she didn't need it. Trust me, she needs it. She isn't violent and it isn't a horrible case or anything but she's constantly draining. One time she said to me that gay men aren't allowed around her son because they might molest him. Her husband feels the same way and he doesn't suffer from bipolar depression. I try to avoid any conversation with her husband and basically leave the room anytime I find myself alone with him. It's been years of her not taking her meds and saying the most outrageous hateful things to me and her husband is just a terrible person. I'm ready to cut ties. I understand that my husband still loves his sister but I feel that it's time for me and our daughter to be done. I feel like DH needs to go to therapy so that he's equipped to deal with her behavior. Has anyone else been through this that can give me some insight?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but you sound like a control freak.
How often are you seeing her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you sound like a control freak.
How often are you seeing her?

once or twice a week and she texts often. She's not a good influence to our daughter and quite frankly her racist homophobic husband isn't welcome in my home.

[Anonymous]

Must you?

[Anonymous]

Is your husband racist and homophobic? Why is he welcoming his BIL into the home?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you sound like a control freak at all. I understand not wanting your child to be around people who behave like them.

Although I would encourage you to cut ties with them. you will need to do this slowly and carefully. You need to respect and understand your DH's loyalty and commitment to his sister. They are siblings and he needs to honor that, event with the bad behavior. You need to talk with your DH about all of this, if you haven't already. Let him know that you feel like you need a breather from too much contact with her, but you also understand his need to continue. The best approach may be to slowly find yourself too busy too much each week (i.e. appointments, work, etc.). Take up a new hobby if you need to in order to limit your time to spend with them. You will still need to see them sometimes, but over some time you can gradually make that less. Doing it subtly will be less hurtful and everyone will get used to the new normal without rocking the boat completely. The limited contact will also make it easier to handle them when you do need to see them.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you sound like a control freak at all. I understand not wanting your child to be around people who behave like them.

Although I would encourage you to cut ties with them. you will need to do this slowly and carefully. You need to respect and understand your DH's loyalty and commitment to his sister. They are siblings and he needs to honor that, event with the bad behavior. You need to talk with your DH about all of this, if you haven't already. Let him know that you feel like you need a breather from too much contact with her, but you also understand his need to continue. The best approach may be to slowly find yourself too busy too much each week (i.e. appointments, work, etc.). Take up a new hobby if you need to in order to limit your time to spend with them. You will still need to see them sometimes, but over some time you can gradually make that less. Doing it subtly will be less hurtful and everyone will get used to the new normal without rocking the boat completely. The limited contact will also make it easier to handle them when you do need to see them.

Good luck!

I think how I came across as controlling was when I said I wanted DH to consider therapy. I only say this because having a sibling like this can take a toll and I feel he could use some guidance in navigating that relationship without sacrificing his needs and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you sound like a control freak at all. I understand not wanting your child to be around people who behave like them.

Although I would encourage you to cut ties with them. you will need to do this slowly and carefully. You need to respect and understand your DH's loyalty and commitment to his sister. They are siblings and he needs to honor that, event with the bad behavior. You need to talk with your DH about all of this, if you haven't already. Let him know that you feel like you need a breather from too much contact with her, but you also understand his need to continue. The best approach may be to slowly find yourself too busy too much each week (i.e. appointments, work, etc.). Take up a new hobby if you need to in order to limit your time to spend with them. You will still need to see them sometimes, but over some time you can gradually make that less. Doing it subtly will be less hurtful and everyone will get used to the new normal without rocking the boat completely. The limited contact will also make it easier to handle them when you do need to see them.

Good luck!

I think how I came across as controlling was when I said I wanted DH to consider therapy. I only say this because having a sibling like this can take a toll and I feel he could use some guidance in navigating that relationship without sacrificing his needs and boundaries.

I still don't see the controlling aspect. You're a wife expressing concern for your husband - that's what you should do! If you gave him an ultimatum that you will leave or something if he doesn't get therapy that would be controlling (along with shitty and unproductive...), but you didn't say that. I think you're right that he needs therapy. Most of the time people have a hard time recognizing poor behavior in their family, especially if they have grown up around it and come to see it as normal. Keep encouraging your husband. Don't push and don't continue if he refuses. Work on getting him to understand the negative affects her behavior has on the family and, specifically on him.

[Anonymous]

Taking medication for bipolar disorder doesn't cure people of homophobia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking medication for bipolar disorder doesn't cure people of homophobia.

Whether it's bipolar, homophobia, or some combination of the two, the issue is essentially the same, and one that comes up often--firm boundaries need to be established between your family and this couple. This might be a issue that would be helped by you and your husband going to counseling together, because it would give you an objective third party to put the situation before then you could come up with strategies. The main thing is that you both need to be in total agreement as to how you will approach this.