is this a weird comment from my mom?

[Anonymous]

wondering if I'm right to think my mom's comment was weird. we were talking about disciplining young kids (I have a 1 year old who is my first child, so I'm just figuring all of that out). The topic of spanking came up, and my mom said she only spanked me once, and that it was when I was still in diapers. She said she regretted it. Fine. It's not like I remember it; I really don't care that it happened.

The weird part was that she then said: "For years afterwards--until you were 8 or 9--you would bring it up, like you were trying to remind me that I wasn't the great mom I maybe thought I was. I think you got perverse pleasure out of bringing it up around other people, like you wanted to show them that I wasn't a good mom."

I think my mom is a really good mother. She can definitely be intense, but I think she tried really hard and made good decisions. I told her I don't think I'd ever try to get perverse pleasure out of advertising something she regrets. She insisted that that was my motivation. Who knows -- I don't remember ever bringing it up. Maybe I was a screwed up kid, and just don't remember it. In any case, the whole conversation struck me as weird.

I'm not planning on bringing it up to her or anything. Just was wondering if I'm offbase in my feelings about this conversation.

[Anonymous]

How would you even know it happened if SHE hadn’t brought it up? She obviously feels guilty about it. It’s a total non-issue as far as I would be concerned. She’s obviously feeling bad about some aspect of her parenting and using this diaper-padded spanking as a scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

Your mom was putting adult level motives on a kid. You probably brought it up because it got a reaction from her--because it was such a sore spot for her. You were just a little kid who used what you had available to get what you wanted. All little kids do that.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- yeah, I think my mom feels guilty about some aspects of her parenting. I keep finding myself assuring her I think she was a great mom, but then she'll say things like "you have so much more patience with your daughter than I did with you as a baby" and "you're just a nicer person than I am."

I think she has a lot of inner demons for some reason.

[Anonymous]

If you were still in diapers, there's no way you remembered this and brought it up at 8 or 9.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were still in diapers, there's no way you remembered this and brought it up at 8 or 9.

that was my thought too. I also have enough memories of when I was 8 and 9 that I think I would probably remember bringing it up with the frequency she claimed I did.

[Anonymous]

I think it's hard for us to know what her intent was there, especially not having heard the exchange. My initial impression was that she was sharing something you'd done that really upset/embarrassed her at the time in the hopes of getting an acknowledgment/apology. Granted, you were a young child at the time, and I think there's something to be said for parents recognizing that when kids do something like that, they're typically acting out something that's bothering them that they can't figure out how to express directly, and forgiving them for the behavior because the kid didn't know how else to deal with it. But she hasn't let it go, so it's worth addressing now. The problem is that you two got into debating what actually happened, when she has only her memory of what you did and assumptions she made about why, and you don't have any memory of it at all, so there's no solid basis for you two resolving the issue of what actually happened.

Instead of getting mired down in a debate you can't resolve, I would have focused on the emotions behind it. I think I would have responded to your mom with something like, "Mom, I don't remember saying those things when I was young or why I would have said them, but I believe you that I did and I'm sure it was embarrassing and uncomfortable for you. I'm sorry for doing it." You're not saying she's right about your motivations (and since you don't know what your motivation might have been, you can't say for sure either way) and it doesn't mean you were a screwed up kid, you're addressing the fact of what she recalls you doing and the impact it had on her. I know you weren't planning on bringing it up again, but if you'd feel comfortable with something like my suggestion above, bringing it up again simply to acknowledge her experience and apologize for the impact you had on her might go a long way toward making peace with the issue/

[Anonymous]

It's super weird but parents have a reputation for being weird. Give her a hug and thank her for dealing with your irrational child-self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were still in diapers, there's no way you remembered this and brought it up at 8 or 9.

OP's mom might be misremembering the age when OP was bringing it up. When my son was 3 (and still in diapers), I had a bad moment where I lost my cool and slapped his leg over something. I felt awful and it was the first and last time I ever raised a hand to him, but he mentioned it periodically up until he was five or six.

[Anonymous]

It is a weird comment and a weird, unlikely recollection of events. That said, my dad is horrible at accurately remembering when things happened and for how long, so if he said something like this, it wouldn't be intentional lying but just a reflection of how salient it was in his mind. Take it as that.

[Anonymous]

np: I recently mentioned that my dad used to spank me, he denied it and said he was extremely wounded by my comment. My mom said she has blocked it out, but she is sad that I accused him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a weird comment and a weird, unlikely recollection of events. That said, my dad is horrible at accurately remembering when things happened and for how long, so if he said something like this, it wouldn't be intentional lying but just a reflection of how salient it was in his mind. Take it as that.

OP here -- yeah, I think this is probably what's happening. I don't think she's intentionally lying. I think she feels guilty about spanking me and that's why she's perseverating over it.

[Anonymous]

My dad makes sh*t up as he goes. I nod and ignore.

[Anonymous]

How strange...The only thing you can say is "I have no memory of the spanking or of bringing up the spanking. You are a good mom or you wouldn't feel so guilty about this. I'm fine!!"

[Anonymous]

I guarantee that she brought it up because she still feels guilty, and is maybe hoping to transfer the blame over to you. Even good moms can do this. I have a good mom, but she told me in front of quite a few people that I talked too much as a kid ( I had severe, untreated ADHD), and that once when I was about 4, she got so annoyed that she just turned around and slapped me across the face and yelled for me to shut up. I had no memory of it. I would have preferred that she had told me that in private.