Communication with 99% uninterested Co-parent
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Anonymous
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I have a 10 year old by a man I was engaged to marry. We had issues before I got pregnant, and he became physically abusive shortly after my child was born. I finally saw the light and left him when my child was a year old. I never married him.
When we first separated, my ex was saw his child on a regular basis for about a year. We were cordial at that point with no communication issues between us. Then he went suddenly MIA for years. During this time he did not contact us at all, and I had no way to contact him or know where he was. I tried reaching out to him on Facebook and through family members, to no avail. Finally, one day he called and asked to see his child, when my son was 5 years old. I agreed, and he started seeing him regularly again, and claimed he felt bad for the years he missed. He says he moved out of state for work during that time. That is no excuse for not communicating with me. Up to this point, I had not once received any sort of financial support to help raise my child. I filed child support when my child was 4 yrs old, but the courts were not able to locate and serve him court papers until my child was 8 yrs old, at which point I received an amount far larger than I ever imagined I would ever see from him. Apparently he made plenty of money, and just chose not to spend any on his child, despite my asking him for it. He was not happy with the child support order, and threatened to get full custody. He never went through on that threat. Shortly after the order was put in place 3 years ago, he once again suddenly stopped seeing my child on a regular basis. Throughout all of this saga, I have remained cordial for my child's sake. I never bad mouth my ex to my child, despite my frustrations in dealing with my ex over the years. I have always extended the olive branch from day one and let him see his child whenever he wants, which isn't often. At this point, he sees my child literally 3 or 4 times per year, briefly for maybe a few hours, never overnight, and doesn't ever talk to him on the phone, even though my child tries to call him. My ex ignores my calls and texts for the most part. I only reach out to either let him know of health or school updates regarding my child, or to ask when he plans to see his child again. He ignores pretty much everything. Over the years, his communication has become increasingly condescending, aggressive towards me, and in many cases completely disrespectful. Through it all, I held my tongue and focused on positive communication for the sake of my child. I have reached a point where I'm ready to throw in the towel and say forget it. I am tired of being ignored and disrespected when he does respond. I can't force him to have a relationship with his own child. It breaks my heart to see my child not have a close relationship with his father, because he really looks up to his dad despite not seeing him often anymore. What is the best way to proceed from here? Is it okay for me to just stop reaching out to him with the updates, and to stop trying to facilitate him spending time with his child? I feel I should just let it go, and help my child cope if and when the time comes that he realizes his dad doesn't give a sh*t about him. I'm tired of being the only doing all the work to help my ex have some sort of rship with the child he chose to create. Any parents who have BTDT that can give me advice? |
Anonymous
| To this day, I have never disrespected him, harassed him, or anything. But he has done all of that to me, as well as lied about me to his family and my family. He talks to my brother and my mom and told them I don't let him see his child, which is an outright lie. He told the child support coordinator in court that I abused him, when it was him that used to hit me. I don't know if he's sociopathic or a narcissist or what, but he has been the most difficult and delusional person I have ever dealt with in my life. |
Anonymous
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When he came back in to my child's life, he told me he didn't want my child to end up treating him how his older child now treats him. My ex has a teenager that he pretty much abandoned, just like my son, when he was 6 yrs old. I didn't know this at the time, as my ex gave me a sob story about his ex not letting him see his child. Now that I'm a mother of his kid too, I see the game he was playing.
During the time he went MIA from my child, my ex says he tried to see his older child. That child would have nothing to do with him and refused to speak to him. My ex claimed he didn't want my child to end up doing that to him too. I told him it's up to him to make sure that doesn't happen. But he doesn't seem interested in being a parent. He seems to think it's okay to not take care of his responsibility. |
Anonymous
He doesn't care about your child. He just cares that he has someone he can ask for favors down the road which is probably why his older son declining to see him is troubling to you. He basically said that to you. Just get the money you are entitled to and don't contact him unless 1) he doesn't cough up his child support or 2) he contacts you about trying to see his son. He's a deadbeat and there's nothing you can really do about it now. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry, OP. I know how much it hurts to have your child hurt like this. I don't think you need to make any further efforts to get your X to see your child. As a PP said, make sure he pays his child support and let him be. Do not bad mouth him but you can acknowledge to your DS, if it comes up, that you regret his father is not more involved - because that is a non-hurtful truth. It acknowledges the pain your DS likely feels without ascribing motive to his father's behavior. You might also consider working with a counselor to find appropriate ways to frame discussions regarding this. At some point, you DS may want to talk to about it. hugs. |
Anonymous
| I’d ratchet down the communications and do it only by email. Send important updates, and respond if he requests to see his child. Otherwise, don’t engage. It will be freeing for you. |
Anonymous
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Do not engage. I know it's sad (because your child is missing out) but you can't force him to be interested or involved. HE is responsible for having a relationship with his child.
XH hasn't seen his daughter in 3 years (she's 11). He texts about once a quarter. She has a wonderful stepfather but I am still sad for her that her biological father is so uninterested. I know one day (probably soon) she's going to realize how f-ed up it is. I let go though. I cannot force him to be a better person. It will make me crazy and bitter. OP - Let go. You will feel much better |
Anonymous
| Does your child have any relationship with his older sibling? |
Anonymous
| Do everything you can to make sure there are loving, attentive men in his life: uncles, older cousins, etc. |
Anonymous
| I would have shut down the communication years ago. If Dad wants a relationship, it is up to him to build it. |
Anonymous
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Speak to your lawyer about how to modify the custody/visitation arrangement. Without the legal documents reflecting proper custody, your ex can take your son based on the current arrangement legally.
Definitely cutoff the one way communication and speak with the peditrician about how to explain things to your son. Remember to ask your family to cutoff communication with him as well. |