when DH doesn't call.... ever.

[Anonymous]

I work FT. So does my husband. I keep the work day to 8 hours. DH often works 11-12 hours. We've struggled a lot over the past two years. One of my areas of frustration is that we never talk during the day. No email. No phone. Nada.

I'm not looking for a 20 min conversation. But a 5 min - hey, how's your day going? what's the plan for tonight? - type conversation would make me happy.

I really mean it... this NEVER happens. Like, if I saw his phone number pop up on the caller ID at the office, I would drop everything because I would be certain that something really bad had happened. I am not exaggerating. Not one bit.

This is not an issue of trust. I know how to reach him. I know what his job is like. I know its stressful.

I also know he is glued to a blackberry 24/7.

We even discussed this in marriage therapy. He says he can't remember to do it... that he's so busy that before he realizes it, it's 6 p.m. So, then we decided I would call him on the way home from work. That didn't work either. I don't like talking on the phone and driving. And when I leave the office, I'm using that time to decompress in the car before I pick up DC from daycare for the afternoon.

Are my expectations completely out of whack?

Would love some perspectives. Thanks.

So here we are. I know some of this stems from my own family. My dad always called my mom and called us at home 1 - 2x a day.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you call or email him during the day? Would he be upset? Your expectations are not crazy. I'm a litigation partner at a large law firm and everyone I know speaks, emails or text messages their spouse at least once a day. My wife teaches and calls me after he last class each day.

[Anonymous]

OP here - that's a fair question. I have called. He's rarely at his desk - spends a lot of time in meetings. If I email, I get one word answers like, "Sure" or "Yes." If I do get him when I call, it is painfully obvious to me that he is rushed to get off the phone. He's completely disengaged in the conversation.

On the other hand, I could probably tell him then that I was going to buy a $300 pair of shoes and he wouldn't blink. (that is me trying to be humorous.) He rarely remembers conversations we have when he is distracted with work.

Someone is going to probably ask if he could be cheating. Or if I really believe he is where he says he is. I do. I don't question it one bit. But I know how this reads... so I just had to say that.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's very focused at work, and can't multi-task.

Does he have a secretary?

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes, he shares a secretary with another individual. Are you thinking the secretary should prompt him?

[Anonymous]

OP again - and no, he's terrible at multitasking.

[Anonymous]

OK, I don't think you have much to worry about re cheating. I know guys who cheated on their wives/girl friends and they always called home (its important to now where your significant other is when you are running around). I think your husband is one of those guys who puts on his game face for work and stays in the work zone while at the office. I was more like that when I was younger -- under 35. Try this, send him flowers at work with a note that you miss him. That should get him to call.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I think you have to remember that some guys don't like "chatting" on the phone. My DH is one of them. My situation isn't as extreme (we talk occasionally when we are both at work/on the way home), but I have to try not to get upset when he is kind of rude to me on the phone at work.

Other than that, I don't know what to say. Can you e-mail him during the day? Or maybe a chat with the secretary about his schedule/priorities would help.

[Anonymous]

What is your DH like on the weekends or when he's not at work? Is he attentive and engaging?

[Anonymous]

OP here - that's funny. He's under 35 and yes, I totally believe he does the "game face" thing.

Nice idea. I am intensely frustrated by this situation and it is obvious that he's just not going to do it. But it pisses me off that I just have to blow off my own needs. That doesn't feel fair either.

[Anonymous]

He has to make time for you. E-mail him. Ask him questions. It seems weird to e-mail at first, but if we didn't do that, DH and I would never communicate. One follows from the other - a quick call to say I had a question about your e-mail, etc. Another way of looking at it is how miserable to feel you have to go to work as if it is some commando operation and never think or talk about anything else. He needs to learn to fit all the pieces of himself into his work life, too - for HIS sake. If all else fails, enlist the secretary. Start getting the secretary to ask him questions for you (can you pick up junior next week?). Eventually he will learn to call you.

[Anonymous]

OP again - on the weekends... for me, I'd appreciate a little more effort on his part to engage in conversation. Sometimes it just feels like we're roommates.

And I feel like a needy, whiny wife.

[Anonymous]

Okay, time for an overhaul.

Time to not call him anymore, time to start working out, having lunch/coffee with friends, going to the park without him with your DC, If he wants to be alone-Fine, let him.

And don't once make it seem like you NEED him. You teach people how to treat you, and whatever you're doing now isn't working and making you happy.

Get a new hairdo, start wearing sexy things...mention casually that some guys at work/store wherever, are hitting on you.

I know it might sound like a "Game" but it sounds like your DH is taking you for granted...

[Anonymous]

I actually don't see how this is a huge deal. I'm the wife and I don't really like talking on the phone at work. I'm just not a phone person. A quick 20-second hello during the day sometimes (initiated by either him or me) and other times nothing. He also works 12 hour or so days at a large law firm. I know how stressful law firm life is (I remember it) and I know how easy it is for the day to fly by when you barely have a chance to glance at the clock. Either way, unless he's ignoring you at home or ignoring legitimate requests you have to make during the work day, I'd drop the subject and just enjoy the time at home together and let the poor guy get his work done.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're going to create more problems than you will fix by pushing him on this. He clearly is one of those people that focuses 100% on work when he's at work -- trying to change how he's wired is just going to stress him out, especially if you try to manipulate him into calling you.

If this is just one symptom of a bigger problem, and he never pays attention to you even when not at work, then you should focus on the bigger problem, and not get distracted by the lack of "how are you?" phone calls. But if it really just boils down to you being irked that he doesn't call you during the day, I'd suggest letting it go.