when DH doesn't call.... ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's very focused at work, and can't multi-task.

Does he have a secretary?

I am exactly like your DH (and I am a woman). My husband gets really frustrated that I don't call/talk to him on the phone during the day. I am 100 percent focused on my job and find it distracting to switch gears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, time for an overhaul.

Time to not call him anymore, time to start working out, having lunch/coffee with friends, going to the park without him with your DC, If he wants to be alone-Fine, let him.

And don't once make it seem like you NEED him. You teach people how to treat you, and whatever you're doing now isn't working and making you happy.

Get a new hairdo, start wearing sexy things...mention casually that some guys at work/store wherever, are hitting on you.

I know it might sound like a "Game" but it sounds like your DH is taking you for granted...

This seems juvenile to me. Communicate and tell him how you really feel. Send him some texts throughout the day. It takes 2 to tango, you start this dance. If he doesn't respond I suggest therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I really appreciate all the points of view. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

DH works hard too, 12 to 14 hours a day and we have a deal: I don't call him and he doesn't call me.
I need that 5minute talk sometimes to and he does too but both our jobs take our full attention when we're on the clock so we are not allowed to answer personal calls while on the job.
We learned to live with it and i won't say it was easy but we found our way around.
There's nothing that I have to say that can't wait 8 more hours to reach him. That's life and we just learned how to live with it. I think you can learn too. If he cannot multitask you should respect his limitations and find a way to make up for it with some special grown up time in the end of the evening or something like that.
The bottom line is: you have to learn to respect his individuality and limitations.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want him to call you? Is it so you can talk about what you are going to take care of when you get home hrs before he does? There doesn't really seem to be a reason for him to call you so I can understand why he doesn't call. It seems like you will be taking care of everything when you get home b/c of your work hrs vs. his.

[Anonymous]

Did you people not see that on the weekends when he is not at work he also fails to engage in conversation as well? Did you see where she said she felt like "Roomates"?

This is more than just laying off him not calling her or her being needy or not understanding he's an individual.

[Anonymous]

OP: It's not that you're being needy. It's that your needs are not being met. They are two very different things. Please don't get down on yourself for being unhappy that you're not getting what you want from your marriage right now.

On the specific issue you raised, no, DH and I do not talk on the phone during the workday unless there's a logistical thing to discuss briefly (picking up dinner on the way home etc.) But we are in touch most days by email. Sometimes it's a logistical thing, sometimes it's a quickie update about something funny or weird that happend at work, sometimes it's a short "How's your day? Was your meeting with X ok?" Responses are usually a line or two back, that's it. But we feel connected.

That other stuff about feeling like roommates . . . THAT is the issue . . . my advice is to focus on addressing that (the root cause) not the phone calls during the day (a symptom). What would it look like for you to feel like more than just roommates on the weekends and in the evenings after work? What do you need DH to do then? Focus on specific and concrete behaviors he can employ.

And again, please stop feeling bad/guilty about being "needy". We all have needs. Working to get your needs met is the mature and responsible thing to do -- for yourself and for your marriage!

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband HATES talking on the phone to me during the day. HATES it. Will talk all night (kind of) and go to dinner and parties, but HATES it during the day. It is something I have kind of accepted.

That being said, I have told him that he needs to occasionally call b/c it means a lot to me. He has finally gotten that and will, very occasionally, call.

It is as good as it gets.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I never talk during the day. It is no issue at all. Maybe it is because we have been together 24 years. If it bothers you that much you should discuss, but if you are concerned that his behavior is abnormal and means he doesn't love you, I say not at all.

[Anonymous]

I hate when DH calls me during the day. He disrupts my day, and he never has anything to say. Mostly he is just bored, and lonely. It's not my fault he works alone, and has a lot of down time. I work from home, have one child with me, and have household duties to take care of. There isn't enough time in my day to chat with him.

[Anonymous]

I really think you might benefit from reading the Five Love Languages. The basic gist of the book is that people have primary "languages" in which they communicate and understand love. Perhaps the conversations and words are very important to you in being able to tell how much someone cares for you, and perhaps it really isn't important to your husband. Subsequently, he would have no idea why you would get so bent out of shape about that and you would have no idea why he doesn't care enough to drop things for 2 seconds to connect with you verbally.

When I don't have a daily substantial conversation with my husband, I feel really disconnected from him, more than he does with me. Like roommates, like you said. On the other hand, I know that his (and probably the vast majority of men's) language is physical touch. If we don't connect physically, he feels really disconnected from me, more than I do with him. But because we don't really share the same primary languages, we have to make a real effort to fill each other's needs and not just shrug them off as unreasonable. Since understanding all of this and making more of an effort, we've developed a much more fulfilling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: It's not that you're being needy. It's that your needs are not being met. They are two very different things. Please don't get down on yourself for being unhappy that you're not getting what you want from your marriage right now.

On the specific issue you raised, no, DH and I do not talk on the phone during the workday unless there's a logistical thing to discuss briefly (picking up dinner on the way home etc.) But we are in touch most days by email. Sometimes it's a logistical thing, sometimes it's a quickie update about something funny or weird that happend at work, sometimes it's a short "How's your day? Was your meeting with X ok?" Responses are usually a line or two back, that's it. But we feel connected.

That other stuff about feeling like roommates . . . THAT is the issue . . . my advice is to focus on addressing that (the root cause) not the phone calls during the day (a symptom). What would it look like for you to feel like more than just roommates on the weekends and in the evenings after work? What do you need DH to do then? Focus on specific and concrete behaviors he can employ.

And again, please stop feeling bad/guilty about being "needy". We all have needs. Working to get your needs met is the mature and responsible thing to do -- for yourself and for your marriage!

Yes.