How do I get DC to stop thinking about what mean frenemy has done

[Anonymous]

DD has been target of a frenemy and has been slowly but surely pulling away and forging new friendships. This experience was very upsetting to her - she had trusted this friend, invested in her, and this girl goes out of her way every day to try to undermine my DD’s self esteem. I’m trying to help her focus on the positives, like new friendships she’s building and new activities she’s started, etc. Any other tips on how to help her move on mentally and get this mean girl out of her head? She needs to find a way to be impervious to this girl’s attempts, but I haven’t yet found a way to help her get there...

[Anonymous]

I find my children are receptive to examples from my own life. Telling them about similar situations, struggles and ultimate outcomes seem to resonate. Any way to help them understand that they are not the only person to have gone through a given situation helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find my children are receptive to examples from my own life. Telling them about similar situations, struggles and ultimate outcomes seem to resonate. Any way to help them understand that they are not the only person to have gone through a given situation helps.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find my children are receptive to examples from my own life. Telling them about similar situations, struggles and ultimate outcomes seem to resonate. Any way to help them understand that they are not the only person to have gone through a given situation helps.

This is what seems to work for us too. I can always relate things my kids are going through to things I also went through at their age. A few times, I've told my daughter about a frenemy or mean girl experience and she's been outraged on my behalf! It gets her thinking about what she'd want to say to the person who was mean to her own mom, and (hopefully) gives her the tools to use in her own situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find my children are receptive to examples from my own life. Telling them about similar situations, struggles and ultimate outcomes seem to resonate. Any way to help them understand that they are not the only person to have gone through a given situation helps.

This is what seems to work for us too. I can always relate things my kids are going through to things I also went through at their age. A few times, I've told my daughter about a frenemy or mean girl experience and she's been outraged on my behalf! It gets her thinking about what she'd want to say to the person who was mean to her own mom, and (hopefully) gives her the tools to use in her own situations.

Thanks - OP here. Just curious, has this worked in a situation that is chronic, same person every day saying and doing mean things, person who has supposedly been a "friend"? I listen to it and sympathize and then say, ok lets move on to positive things, but I'm not sure she keeps focused on the positive things after I leave the room...I want her to feel like she can vent, but her tendency is to dwell and can't get off those thoughts. I have told her something along the lines that she's giving this girl too much power by allowing her to dominate her time and energy, so let's think about things that make you happy...but I can tell it's not easy for her to turn off the thoughts and bad memories. I'll try to tell my own stories...have done so on occasion but not sure I can come up with a past grievance every night (it's always bedtime when it comes up).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find my children are receptive to examples from my own life. Telling them about similar situations, struggles and ultimate outcomes seem to resonate. Any way to help them understand that they are not the only person to have gone through a given situation helps.

This is what seems to work for us too. I can always relate things my kids are going through to things I also went through at their age. A few times, I've told my daughter about a frenemy or mean girl experience and she's been outraged on my behalf! It gets her thinking about what she'd want to say to the person who was mean to her own mom, and (hopefully) gives her the tools to use in her own situations.

Thanks - OP here. Just curious, has this worked in a situation that is chronic, same person every day saying and doing mean things, person who has supposedly been a "friend"? I listen to it and sympathize and then say, ok lets move on to positive things, but I'm not sure she keeps focused on the positive things after I leave the room...I want her to feel like she can vent, but her tendency is to dwell and can't get off those thoughts. I have told her something along the lines that she's giving this girl too much power by allowing her to dominate her time and energy, so let's think about things that make you happy...but I can tell it's not easy for her to turn off the thoughts and bad memories. I'll try to tell my own stories...have done so on occasion but not sure I can come up with a past grievance every night (it's always bedtime when it comes up).

New poster here. OP, I'm sorry this is happening to your DD.

I completely agree with PPs that sharing your own experiences can help, but I also see you point about how you can't come up with some applicable past grievance every time your DD talks about this other girl.

How long ago did the break -- the transition from friend to tormentor, basically-- happen? It can take a surprisingly long time for some kids to stop dwelling on things like this, so be ready for it to take longer than you wish it would. That's normal, sadly. It's the first time DD has been betrayed, and she is questioning not only this one girl's behavior but likely, on some level she may not even realize herself, feeling that she can't trust her own instincts any more about who is a friend. I'd point out to her that she has other friends (and be ready to let her express fears if she responds with, "But I don't know if they're really friends -- I thought X was my friend and look how she treats me now"). Don't try too hard to correct her when she says that -- she needs to articulate that kind of thinking.
\
Then do all you can to get her together outside school with other friends to do things. Activities can help, especially if those activities are ones she never shared with the ex-friend. If she's a tween or younger teen, and she doesn't drive, you really may have to help this happen; it's fashionable on DCUM to say "Kids have to organize their own social lives entirely, I don't get involved at all," but depending on her age, whether she needs rides, and how much she wants to retreat right now, you may need to be proactive. "I know you wanted to see the new Star Wars movie -- why don't you ask Sally or Jenny to come with us and I'll take you all out for pizza afterward?" and so on. Don't force it and certainly do not tell her "This is to help you get over X's behavior." Just encourage it.

Also, I take if from your posts that your DD must encounter this ex-friend every day. Are they at school together, then? Have you done some role-playing with her about how to respond to the comments X makes? Having some prepared reactions can help some kids. I do NOT mean she should try to engage the girl and start a back-and-forth; in fact, just the opposite; your DD should always get away from this girl physically whenever possible. But if they're in the same classrooms and the girl makes comments under her breath etc., DD can't just get away. So I'd model "When they go low, we go high," and going high here probably means acting as if this girl does not exist. If they have mutual friends, I would probably steer DD toward friends from spheres outside school -- does DD have an activity like a sport, dance, theater, religious institution youth group, Scouting, anything that gives DD her own "thing" that is not associated with school or this girl and their past together? I'd encourage those activities more.

If the girl's behavior is a nonstop drumbeat of daily comments and actions, and it's in school, frankly, you need to keep an eye out. I do not think many things truly are bullying; it's a term that gets tossed around too much. But this could truly be bullying if the other girl is doing it every day and your DD is targeted. One-time problems are just that, one-time, but targeted, ongoing and individual comments become bullying. Consider whether this could be at that level and don't hesitate to go to the school counselor and report it, after talking with your DD. If DD's day to day school hours are affected by this girl's actions and words, that affects her much more than just pondering this girl's meanness at bedtime at home. Someone's going to come on to flame and say that "This isn't bullying, it's normal, don't overreact." That's typical on this forum. I'm not saying this IS bullying, but I also think you need to consider whether this is affecting DD's school days enough that it rises to that level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find my children are receptive to examples from my own life. Telling them about similar situations, struggles and ultimate outcomes seem to resonate. Any way to help them understand that they are not the only person to have gone through a given situation helps.

This is what seems to work for us too. I can always relate things my kids are going through to things I also went through at their age. A few times, I've told my daughter about a frenemy or mean girl experience and she's been outraged on my behalf! It gets her thinking about what she'd want to say to the person who was mean to her own mom, and (hopefully) gives her the tools to use in her own situations.

Thanks - OP here. Just curious, has this worked in a situation that is chronic, same person every day saying and doing mean things, person who has supposedly been a "friend"? I listen to it and sympathize and then say, ok lets move on to positive things, but I'm not sure she keeps focused on the positive things after I leave the room...I want her to feel like she can vent, but her tendency is to dwell and can't get off those thoughts. I have told her something along the lines that she's giving this girl too much power by allowing her to dominate her time and energy, so let's think about things that make you happy...but I can tell it's not easy for her to turn off the thoughts and bad memories. I'll try to tell my own stories...have done so on occasion but not sure I can come up with a past grievance every night (it's always bedtime when it comes up).

New poster here. OP, I'm sorry this is happening to your DD.

I completely agree with PPs that sharing your own experiences can help, but I also see you point about how you can't come up with some applicable past grievance every time your DD talks about this other girl.

How long ago did the break -- the transition from friend to tormentor, basically-- happen? It can take a surprisingly long time for some kids to stop dwelling on things like this, so be ready for it to take longer than you wish it would. That's normal, sadly. It's the first time DD has been betrayed, and she is questioning not only this one girl's behavior but likely, on some level she may not even realize herself, feeling that she can't trust her own instincts any more about who is a friend. I'd point out to her that she has other friends (and be ready to let her express fears if she responds with, "But I don't know if they're really friends -- I thought X was my friend and look how she treats me now"). Don't try too hard to correct her when she says that -- she needs to articulate that kind of thinking.
\
Then do all you can to get her together outside school with other friends to do things. Activities can help, especially if those activities are ones she never shared with the ex-friend. If she's a tween or younger teen, and she doesn't drive, you really may have to help this happen; it's fashionable on DCUM to say "Kids have to organize their own social lives entirely, I don't get involved at all," but depending on her age, whether she needs rides, and how much she wants to retreat right now, you may need to be proactive. "I know you wanted to see the new Star Wars movie -- why don't you ask Sally or Jenny to come with us and I'll take you all out for pizza afterward?" and so on. Don't force it and certainly do not tell her "This is to help you get over X's behavior." Just encourage it.

Also, I take if from your posts that your DD must encounter this ex-friend every day. Are they at school together, then? Have you done some role-playing with her about how to respond to the comments X makes? Having some prepared reactions can help some kids. I do NOT mean she should try to engage the girl and start a back-and-forth; in fact, just the opposite; your DD should always get away from this girl physically whenever possible. But if they're in the same classrooms and the girl makes comments under her breath etc., DD can't just get away. So I'd model "When they go low, we go high," and going high here probably means acting as if this girl does not exist. If they have mutual friends, I would probably steer DD toward friends from spheres outside school -- does DD have an activity like a sport, dance, theater, religious institution youth group, Scouting, anything that gives DD her own "thing" that is not associated with school or this girl and their past together? I'd encourage those activities more.

If the girl's behavior is a nonstop drumbeat of daily comments and actions, and it's in school, frankly, you need to keep an eye out. I do not think many things truly are bullying; it's a term that gets tossed around too much. But this could truly be bullying if the other girl is doing it every day and your DD is targeted. One-time problems are just that, one-time, but targeted, ongoing and individual comments become bullying. Consider whether this could be at that level and don't hesitate to go to the school counselor and report it, after talking with your DD. If DD's day to day school hours are affected by this girl's actions and words, that affects her much more than just pondering this girl's meanness at bedtime at home. Someone's going to come on to flame and say that "This isn't bullying, it's normal, don't overreact." That's typical on this forum. I'm not saying this IS bullying, but I also think you need to consider whether this is affecting DD's school days enough that it rises to that level.

I second this. Even in MS (depending on the school) well meaning teachers and counselors can sometimes put kids together (thinking that they are friends) and exacerbate this situation. That happened with DS and a frenemy that he was trying to separate himself from in middle school. We talked to the counselor and found out that teachers were actually trying engineer situations where they would be together to "work things out" and we urgently asked that they stop doing that. Once they understood, my kid suddenly had much less contact with the frenemy (to the extent that counselors put them in separate classes the following year) and the frenemy was a much smaller part of DS's life.

[Anonymous]

If every day is a new insult, she can't possibly stop thinking about it.

I suggest stop trying to fix it, and understand that her being upset may make you sad, but it is not about you. Be kind and a good listener.

My mom still never feels true sympathy for me when I am blue, but only feels her own pain at my heartache. It is a subtle difference, and explains why we are not close today even though I am a dutiful daughter. Don't be my mom.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you it gets better with practice and some things you say are little by little sinking in. The first episode for my daughter was the most the most upsetting-so many tears, so much obsessing. Now she is quicker to say "Bye Felicia."

I helped her when I normalized it as something we all go through and like others I shared my own stories. We made a list of qualities of a friend vs. not a friend and as basic as it sounded it helped her to see her friend was (between you and me) a major asshole. It helped her to step away and see it in writing. We talked about scenarios when the frenemy tried to bring her back only to be mean again so she would resist the next time.

[Anonymous]

I literally just read this and it has some good tips:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/9-ways-parents-can-help-bullied-kids-learn-resilience/2017/06/19/a76e2cca-2e9f-11e7-9534-00e4656c22aa_story.html?utm_term=.dc0f0b2abd46

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find my children are receptive to examples from my own life. Telling them about similar situations, struggles and ultimate outcomes seem to resonate. Any way to help them understand that they are not the only person to have gone through a given situation helps.

This is what seems to work for us too. I can always relate things my kids are going through to things I also went through at their age. A few times, I've told my daughter about a frenemy or mean girl experience and she's been outraged on my behalf! It gets her thinking about what she'd want to say to the person who was mean to her own mom, and (hopefully) gives her the tools to use in her own situations.

Thanks - OP here. Just curious, has this worked in a situation that is chronic, same person every day saying and doing mean things, person who has supposedly been a "friend"? I listen to it and sympathize and then say, ok lets move on to positive things, but I'm not sure she keeps focused on the positive things after I leave the room...I want her to feel like she can vent, but her tendency is to dwell and can't get off those thoughts. I have told her something along the lines that she's giving this girl too much power by allowing her to dominate her time and energy, so let's think about things that make you happy...but I can tell it's not easy for her to turn off the thoughts and bad memories. I'll try to tell my own stories...have done so on occasion but not sure I can come up with a past grievance every night (it's always bedtime when it comes up).

PP here. I'm not sure this is quite what you're asking, but my daughter's best friend does this to her a lot. Not exactly "mean" things, but sort of undermining. She'll say something like, "Larla, I can't believe you did that! You're so dumb!" or make fun of her for mispronouncing something or getting a bad grade. Or, when she's over at our house, she'll correct my daughter loudly enough so that I will hear her. I think she thinks she's showing how smart she is compared to my daughter. Either way, it's SO upsetting to my daughter, though she never shows it until after her friend has gone home. I say they're "best friends" because they do so much together, but if my daughter had her way, she'd distance herself from this girl. She can be nice and funny and sweet, but she can also say very cutting things. I would love for DD to make a more loyal, true friend, but that hasn't happened yet.

What I tell DD is that this girl is actually jealous of her. And I actually think she is. I see her looking at DD with envy sometimes and I get the feeling that she tries to cut her down in order to make her feel better about herself and whatever her own insecurities are. True hallmarks of a bully. Just writing all this out is making me wish DD had a different "best friend."

[Anonymous]

I think too often kids see the bully as the strong one. It may help to explain to her these behaviors are red flags for someone who is disturbed and will likely not get better without help from professionals.Continuing to play with someone who is bullying makes them worse not better. If she cares about a disturbed person getting the help she needs then she will set a firm boundary and not play with her or dwell on her. Make her out to be the hero in the story-the emotionally healthy person who is smart enough to get awy from potentially abusive behavior.If enough people refused to put up with this sort of treatment more of these cruel kids would hit rock bottom (no friends) and want to get help to be better people.

[Anonymous]

To clarify-make your daughter out to be the hero (I used "her" for daughter and frenemy by accident)

[Anonymous]

Google the concept of "flushing" negative thoughts. Look on you tube for videos that may be helpful in explaining techniques and mediations that can stop negative thought loops.