If you suspected a very close friend of having feelings for your spouse...

[Anonymous]

What, if anything did you do about it? I'm beginning to suspect that my friend has feelings, other than friendship, for my spouse. At times I have felt that our friendship may have been cultivated to allow this friend a reason to spend time with my spouse, other times I think that is a crazy idea. Lately my spouse has not been available to socialize and this friend has been distant and generally not interested in interacting and seems more interested on spending time with us when spouse is around (this friend is married) rather than just the two of us. Friend is always in a better mood when my spouse is around and seems more "engaged" in the conversation, friend has sent emails and texts directly to spouse (I think I have seen all of them, my spouse doesn't appear to be hiding this) they have had private conversations about things that weren't shared with me until some time later(I have to assume there are instances I don't know about and these are not chit chat conversations but serious talks that envoy Erik emotional and professional support). Maybe I'm making something out of noting but I certainly do not have a similar relationship with the spouses of my friends nor do any of my other friends have relationships like this with my spouse. I'm not one to be paranoid but I suddenly can't shake this feeling. The thing is, I really have enjoyed being friends with this person and would hate to loose the friendship. Other than limiting their time together and otherwise not mentioning said spouse to friend I'm at a loss.

[Anonymous]

was this friend initially your friend? how did she meet your spouse?

[Anonymous]

You listen to your intuition on this one.

[Anonymous]

I think you're on the right track with keeping the friendship separate from your spouse. Social one-on-one, don't talk about your spouse, etc. If the friendship really was about trying to get close to your spouse, that may become clear quickly when your friend stops wanting to spend time with you when spouse is never around (which would be sad if it meant losing the friendship, but at least you'd have an answer). But if that's not the case, the separation might help your friend shake this crush so that it stops interfering with your friendship.

If your friend continues reaching out to your spouse directly and it's making you uncomfortable, it might also be time for a chat with your spouse about the crush. Not from a standpoint of being afraid something might happen, but that the crush seems to be interfering with your friendship (after all, it makes sense that if your friend has a crush on your spouse, even if friend would never act on the crush, it might make friend feel uncomfortable around you, that even the crush seems like some kind of betrayal of your friendship) and would spouse mind holding friend a bit more at arms length until this blows over.

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with this exact scenario right now. It's turning me into a paranoid crazy person. So exhausting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with this exact scenario right now. It's turning me into a paranoid crazy person. So exhausting

I don't understand the problem. Ghost this chick yesterday and be done with it.

+1 to the PP who said to listen to your intuition.

[Anonymous]

I trust my intuition. Do the fade on this person - if they do not pursue and ask why you pulled away, and continue trying to engage your spouse, you'll have your answer.

[Anonymous]

They're always circling. Look your husband's a catch, if it's not this woman it's another. I would NOT want to be friends with this woman, but don't go nuts on your husband either. If anything take this as a notice to dedicate more time to your relationship with him. Why is he confiding in her? Does she seem more fun and easy going? Pay attention. You'll be fine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with this exact scenario right now. It's turning me into a paranoid crazy person. So exhausting

OP here, why do you feel this way? Any specifics or just a feeling. In my case I can't honestly say either has acted in an overtly inappropriate way. There is a legitimate reason for their interactions and I can see why they both get along, they have personalities that complement each other. I just have this feeling and I thought it for a while now. I thought maybe it would be a passing crush but I've been feeling it for a few months now which seems too long and my interactions with my friend are becoming more distant although I haven't changed how I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're always circling. Look your husband's a catch, if it's not this woman it's another. I would NOT want to be friends with this woman, but don't go nuts on your husband either. If anything take this as a notice to dedicate more time to your relationship with him. Why is he confiding in her? Does she seem more fun and easy going? Pay attention. You'll be fine!

My spouse is not the one confiding nor is my friend really. My friend will share information with my spouse or seek out my spouses opinion but it's not been about anything secret or that doesn't eventually come out in conversation. For example, we will all be sitting around chatting and friend will say oh, I was just asking your spouse about this last week. Well why? When? I don't have any private conversations with friends spouse, why would I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're always circling. Look your husband's a catch, if it's not this woman it's another. I would NOT want to be friends with this woman, but don't go nuts on your husband either. If anything take this as a notice to dedicate more time to your relationship with him. Why is he confiding in her? Does she seem more fun and easy going? Pay attention. You'll be fine!

My spouse is not the one confiding nor is my friend really. My friend will share information with my spouse or seek out my spouses opinion but it's not been about anything secret or that doesn't eventually come out in conversation. For example, we will all be sitting around chatting and friend will say oh, I was just asking your spouse about this last week. Well why? When? I don't have any private conversations with friends spouse, why would I?

Just asking mf last week!? Damn straight I'd be asking those questions! With a big side of oh Hell No!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're always circling. Look your husband's a catch, if it's not this woman it's another. I would NOT want to be friends with this woman, but don't go nuts on your husband either. If anything take this as a notice to dedicate more time to your relationship with him. Why is he confiding in her? Does she seem more fun and easy going? Pay attention. You'll be fine!

My spouse is not the one confiding nor is my friend really. My friend will share information with my spouse or seek out my spouses opinion but it's not been about anything secret or that doesn't eventually come out in conversation. For example, we will all be sitting around chatting and friend will say oh, I was just asking your spouse about this last week. Well why? When? I don't have any private conversations with friends spouse, why would I?

Just asking him* last week!? Damn straight I'd be asking those questions! With a big side of oh Hell No!

[Anonymous]

Distance. Perhaps a lot!!
I’ve had a gal circling the waters for my DH and I beat her (politely) away with a stick and I’m not sorry at all.
No one is sorry. I hope that she has found more productive things to do with her time, but I don’t know - not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're always circling. Look your husband's a catch, if it's not this woman it's another. I would NOT want to be friends with this woman, but don't go nuts on your husband either. If anything take this as a notice to dedicate more time to your relationship with him. Why is he confiding in her? Does she seem more fun and easy going? Pay attention. You'll be fine!

My spouse is not the one confiding nor is my friend really. My friend will share information with my spouse or seek out my spouses opinion but it's not been about anything secret or that doesn't eventually come out in conversation. For example, we will all be sitting around chatting and friend will say oh, I was just asking your spouse about this last week. Well why? When? I don't have any private conversations with friends spouse, why would I?

Yeah - no. You need to chat with spouse and say that it’s not okay for him to be chatting with this woman independently. You can tell her too if you want, but really it’s between you and DH. Technically HE should explain to her.
Private conversations are for you and DH.
Cut her out of your lives for at least a year. She needs to find other social outlets and intimate partners besides your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with this exact scenario right now. It's turning me into a paranoid crazy person. So exhausting

OP here, why do you feel this way? Any specifics or just a feeling. In my case I can't honestly say either has acted in an overtly inappropriate way. There is a legitimate reason for their interactions and I can see why they both get along, they have personalities that complement each other. I just have this feeling and I thought it for a while now. I thought maybe it would be a passing crush but I've been feeling it for a few months now which seems too long and my interactions with my friend are becoming more distant although I haven't changed how I am.

The feeling is because what they have is intimacy and that should be reserved for you.

I wrote above too. To clarify it’s not bad for unmarried peoplecto communicate or to have friendships but once it crosses the line to intimacy it is trouble.
My DH’s friend started to contact him several times a day, even when we were on vacation together and that’s when I flipped a lid and I’m not sorry.

Emails or calls once every few weeks - great. Several times a day? No. Lunch every six months? Cool. Lunch every week ? No.