Need to Get Over My Husband

[Anonymous]

I am terribly lonely in my marriage. I'm a SAHM, 3 kids and he is a workaholic. Before the SAHM haters start chiming in, I know that if I went back to work, he would not work any less. DH rarely is home before 8 pm, sometimes 10 pm or later, and he travels. When he is home is rarely fully present, completely addicted to his phone. It is an extension of him, he sleeps with it and wakes up to it. I can't keep his full attention for 5 minutes before he is distracted by one of the kids, the dog or his phone.

The marriage feels empty to me, but we are running a household and for the most part, that part of it is functional. I feel like if I could just stop caring, stop missing him, stop wanting more meaningful time with him....if I could find another outlet (not an affair) that made me not so lonely - then he could live his life, I'd live mine, we'd be nice to each other and finish raising the kids. I love him, but I'm so, so unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell him this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell him this?

Yes, a hundred times. He says he'll work on it. Nothing changes.

[Anonymous]

Do you think he is having an affair? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the relationship is over for him and sounds like he is seeing someone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is having an affair? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

I don't think so. I think his "language of love" is being a provider. He idolizes his father and his father worked 7 days a week, always home after kids were in bed. By those standards, he thinks he is closer to striking a work/life balance. I have to talked about my feelings too much! It is more hurtful that he knows exactly how I feel and still won't put his phone away or come home for dinner a night or two a week. I feel ridiculous asking for his time and attention any more than I have.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you want a date night every other week and he has to make it a priority. Then line up a babysitter and book reservations.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar boat with a workaholic DH that travels and 3 young kids. How old are your kids OP? I think that it may just be the season of life that you are in with 3 kids. Having kids is hard work, it strains your marriage (esp when the wife stays at home IMO bc you're carrying much of the burden managing the household), and there is just not a lot of time for the two of you. I often feel like I am competing with DH's cell phone and emails/texts, and it sucks. Is your DH at the point in his career where he still needs to put in a lot of hours to get to where he wants to be or has he been this way since you guys got married? Can you set aside 1 hour (or 30 min even) each night to put the phones away and just hang out?

I have at times, just demanded that DH plug his phone in the charger and drink a glass of wine with me on the couch. So, although it doesn't feel good to demand the time & attention, maybe it's something that will become a habit.

Can you go out with a girlfriend or have someone over for drinks once a week? I think the feeling of lack of connection can contribute to unhappiness as well. It doesn't fill the gap of DH's attention, but may help pass these tough months/years where life is just a grind.

Sorry OP I don't have a ton of advice, but I am definitely here to commiserate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you want a date night every other week and he has to make it a priority. Then line up a babysitter and book reservations.

This.

Also. Have a no screen policy in the bedroom. It's for sex and sleep.

Have a time when your and his phones get put in the chargers that aren't in the bedroom. Buy an alarm clock if you need something to wake you in the morning.

Your dh is probably one of the people I hate--dickheads who can't stay off their phones while driving. He needs to model appropriate behaviors for his kids. Phones are addictive by design: https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2017/03/13/519977607/irresistible-by-design-its-no-accident-you-cant-stop-looking-at-the-screen

[Anonymous]

Op i have a lot of sympathy for you. I was once in your shoes, I get it. The situation will not get better unless your DH decides he wants to be more connected to you. Hopefully he will before it’s too late - you might just stop caring after a while.
In my opinion you are very high risk for an affair. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am terribly lonely in my marriage. I'm a SAHM, 3 kids and he is a workaholic. Before the SAHM haters start chiming in, I know that if I went back to work, he would not work any less. DH rarely is home before 8 pm, sometimes 10 pm or later, and he travels. When he is home is rarely fully present, completely addicted to his phone. It is an extension of him, he sleeps with it and wakes up to it. I can't keep his full attention for 5 minutes before he is distracted by one of the kids, the dog or his phone.

The marriage feels empty to me, but we are running a household and for the most part, that part of it is functional. I feel like if I could just stop caring, stop missing him, stop wanting more meaningful time with him....if I could find another outlet (not an affair) that made me not so lonely - then he could live his life, I'd live mine, we'd be nice to each other and finish raising the kids. I love him, but I'm so, so unhappy.

What EXACTLY is it you want from your DH, OP? To come home for dinner every night? To be there to put the kids to bed? To have a date with you weekly? To do a family outing every Sunday? I think you should figure out EXACTLY what it is you want. Everything. But pick your top want and ask him for it. Have him make a plan to make it happen. You can take ownership of it, too, depending upon the want -- the date thing, for example, you can help with, although you can't help get him home for dinner every night.

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?

[Anonymous]

NP. I know how you feel OP because I’m going through this right. Ow. It saddens me and I don’t know what to do next. The previous post someone said “Op is at high risk of having an affair” and I’m afraid that’s what I’m feeling but I feel terribly guilty of even thinking that.

I’ve talked to DH. I’ve tried more sex. I wanted marriage counseling but he said what’s the pioint. Yet he doesn’t want to divorce. He brings it up when we fight and says it like a threat, but he’s never had a plan: he doesn’t want to sit down and be civil to talk about how it will work. So every time i try to communicat d it goes nowhere.

We do have kids. I need to feel loved again. I really do not think he’s had any affairs, because he’s so into his work and other business and ideas. But then sometimes I feel maybe I’m fooling myself. He’s never gone or disappeared for long period of time, and he doesn’t travel for work that much.....

I’m just so sad. He’s a great dad and talks to the kids and takes them out etc. but he’s so consumed with his work and businesses he doesn’t have time to really talk and listen to me. He never initiated date night, and I just felt so one sided and stopped planning for it. I have much more fun with my friends but when I am with him he doesn’t want to listen and talk. When we both are with friends, he is good at faking this happy couple image. But I’m so tired of this faking and acting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op i have a lot of sympathy for you. I was once in your shoes, I get it. The situation will not get better unless your DH decides he wants to be more connected to you. Hopefully he will before it’s too late - you might just stop caring after a while.
In my opinion you are very high risk for an affair. Be careful.

Does anybody get divorced first before having an affair? I mean, what about integrity? If I was unhappy in my marriage, I would get divorced before putting my integrity and self-worth on the line by having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op i have a lot of sympathy for you. I was once in your shoes, I get it. The situation will not get better unless your DH decides he wants to be more connected to you. Hopefully he will before it’s too late - you might just stop caring after a while.
In my opinion you are very high risk for an affair. Be careful.

Does anybody get divorced first before having an affair? I mean, what about integrity? If I was unhappy in my marriage, I would get divorced before putting my integrity and self-worth on the line by having an affair.

Yes, some do.