When you’re always suspicious?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating a man pretty seriously. He was very open about the fact that, twenty years ago when he was in his 20s, he was a pretty serious drug user (cocaine). Despite his previous indiscretions, has given me no reason whatsoever to think that he still uses, but it’s always in the back of my mind, and I find myself trying to “catch” him. Otherwise, we have a great relationship. But I need to get past this and move forward. There have been a couple times he’s not been himself, and I’ve found myself showing up at his house, hoping to catch him. I never do, and he’s just been stressed from work. I’m paranoid. He’s been a great sport about it, but I have to stop.

Is this/will this always be sort of like an alcoholic, where you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Any advice?

[Anonymous]

You can't control him. You can love him but any relapse is totally in his control. A relationship will bring him added stress and stress can push him back to his addiction. If you can accept that it's out of your control and you can love him for who he is, then you can try to continue on and be supportive. If you can't move beyond his past, you owe it to him to move on from the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating a man pretty seriously. He was very open about the fact that, twenty years ago when he was in his 20s, he was a pretty serious drug user (cocaine). Despite his previous indiscretions, has given me no reason whatsoever to think that he still uses, but it’s always in the back of my mind, and I find myself trying to “catch” him. Otherwise, we have a great relationship. But I need to get past this and move forward. There have been a couple times he’s not been himself, and I’ve found myself showing up at his house, hoping to catch him. I never do, and he’s just been stressed from work. I’m paranoid. He’s been a great sport about it, but I have to stop.

Is this/will this always be sort of like an alcoholic, where you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Any advice?

This is crazy behavior. If you can't relax and trust him, this isn't the relationship for you. And not because he's in the back cutting out lines, but because your behavior is beyond paranoid, it's disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Your gut may be trying to tell you something and your brain is rationalizing that it's the drug using past.

[Anonymous]

what? this is crazy. 20 years ago when he was in his 20's he did some drugs, and now you are trying to catch him in the act? You have issues.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't usually a suspicious person, there may be something there.

[Anonymous]

agree with 10:58 and 11:22. If your spidey-sense is going off, and you are not usually suspicous, listen to it.

OP I've been married 20 years and wow it's rough at times after kids and when job crises or setbacks occur. It's so much easier when all you have to worry about is yourself. My point is, marriage/kids/job etc--LIFE--will test him. So you need to trust that the person you are going along for the ride with is going to stay solid through it all.

What you don't want is someone not solid, and then you've got kids who have to suffer and deal with him. This goes for women, too--any potential mate. When single, most people think, "can I handle this for the rest of my life?" but the real question is, "can I subject my future children to this?" and in the case of mental illness, for example, "can I handle a mentally ill spouse and children who have the same illness?" (and that applies not just mental illness, that's just an easy example)

[Anonymous]

What is the relapse rate for former cocaine users?

[Anonymous]

I would end it. You two aren’t right for each other.

[Anonymous]

Was he actually ‘addicted’ to coke? Or did he use coke once in a while? There’s a difference. I did coke once in a while, but wasn’t addicted to it. I wouldn’t want someone to judge me for that. Stop being a lunatic lol

[Anonymous]

DH used to smoke. I'm pretty sure he won't smoke again. It's probably not the same, but smoking is addictive too, and he quit cold turkey many years ago. It never comes up, really.

[Anonymous]

This is OP and thanks everyone. It’s just the stigma of Coke that gets me. I know it’s irrational but it bothers me for some reason! I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know why.

[Anonymous]

If you're looking to catch him there must be other signs- like late nights with friends, or hours without a response from him, etc. I would get out and yes it might seem like an over reaction but maybe you're a total teetotaler and that's ok! That's who you are. Be true to yourself, you want a guy similar to you in this regard. Just say, we had a great time but I just can't see a future with you. Then you're free! And look for guys at the gym or church not bars or clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and thanks everyone. It’s just the stigma of Coke that gets me. I know it’s irrational but it bothers me for some reason! I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know why.

This could simply be a value you have. I wouldn't like that drug using history, either.

After 20 years, a relapse seems unlikely; however, if he did relapse, it could be devastating to his health and livelihood.

[Anonymous]

Was he a legit addict or just liked to casually party hard? There's a HUGE difference.