What happened to the rich relatives...

[Anonymous]

This may be just me, but I have noticed that there have been a lot of posts obsessing over status and wealth and how rich people can just literally buy everything they will ever need and buy their children life-long security and prosperity and happiness. I find the people with trust funds who seem to chime in on every thread about how they are living a normal life but secretly their children will have "security" for the rest of their lives particularly grating.

The underlying idea is that if you do not make or have as much money as you possibly can, you might be doing your children a disservice, which can certainly sting the devoted/obsessive parents on a website called "DC Urban Moms (and Dads)."

I think that this is a huge load of baloney because it is not what I have seen with my most wealthy relatives. I grew up with a set of cousins in flyover country whose parents probably have over $20 million net worth. So not hedge fund money, but not money most of us will ever see. They got to travel extensively and have all the luxuries money could buy. We would visit and I remember thinking that their lives were so perfect. My upbringing, on the other hand, was upper middle class but highly dysfunctional. I was raised by a single mother with pretty bad mental health problems who had support from her family, which gave some normalcy and stability to our lives.

Since my rich relatives and I are around the same age, I can tell you that as adults, I don't think that they have better lives than I do. Some of them went to top schools but so did I. Some of them have failed marriages, or mediocre careers. One lives with a chronic health condition that I would not want for a billion dollars. I have a good career and a good marriage and decent health. I don't look at any of them and think "I want her life." Our family is close enough that I know that their lives have some good and some bad, like everyone else. I don't envy that they will have a large inheritance because I can't really bring myself to care about it. I have also seen people squander huge inheritances but that is a story for another day. I don't particularly resent my miserable childhood because it made me who I am, for better or worse. Money gives people a sense of control over their lives, but it is largely an illusion. There are just too many variables in life.

TL; DR: It's more important to give your children a good education and relationship skills than buckets of money. The marriage partner they choose will probably have a bigger impact on their quality of life as adults than almost anything else you do, and you have very little control over that. And help your crazy relatives because their children will appreciate it. I hope this makes someone feel better. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may be just me, but I have noticed that there have been a lot of posts obsessing over status and wealth and how rich people can just literally buy everything they will ever need and buy their children life-long security and prosperity and happiness. I find the people with trust funds who seem to chime in on every thread about how they are living a normal life but secretly their children will have "security" for the rest of their lives particularly grating.

The underlying idea is that if you do not make or have as much money as you possibly can, you might be doing your children a disservice, which can certainly sting the devoted/obsessive parents on a website called "DC Urban Moms (and Dads)."

I think that this is a huge load of baloney because it is not what I have seen with my most wealthy relatives. I grew up with a set of cousins in flyover country whose parents probably have over $20 million net worth. So not hedge fund money, but not money most of us will ever see. They got to travel extensively and have all the luxuries money could buy. We would visit and I remember thinking that their lives were so perfect. My upbringing, on the other hand, was upper middle class but highly dysfunctional. I was raised by a single mother with pretty bad mental health problems who had support from her family, which gave some normalcy and stability to our lives.

Since my rich relatives and I are around the same age, I can tell you that as adults, I don't think that they have better lives than I do. Some of them went to top schools but so did I. Some of them have failed marriages, or mediocre careers. One lives with a chronic health condition that I would not want for a billion dollars. I have a good career and a good marriage and decent health. I don't look at any of them and think "I want her life." Our family is close enough that I know that their lives have some good and some bad, like everyone else. I don't envy that they will have a large inheritance because I can't really bring myself to care about it. I have also seen people squander huge inheritances but that is a story for another day. I don't particularly resent my miserable childhood because it made me who I am, for better or worse. Money gives people a sense of control over their lives, but it is largely an illusion. There are just too many variables in life.

TL; DR: It's more important to give your children a good education and relationship skills than buckets of money. The marriage partner they choose will probably have a bigger impact on their quality of life as adults than almost anything else you do, and you have very little control over that. And help your crazy relatives because their children will appreciate it. I hope this makes someone feel better. YMMV.

Well said...a little smug...but well said. I think the point you are making despite the schadenfreude (especially about your sick cousin...that's a little too much!) is that money doesn't buy happiness. I think everyone eagerly or at least deep down cannot argue that. I would go further and say that at a certain level of income & wealth any additional wealth really has marginal value. Some people take private jets to multi-million dollar third or fourth homes in hawaii. Some people fly first class to stay at the Four Seasons in Hawaii. Some people fly economy to stay at the Marriott in Hawaii. Some people drive down to Florida and stay at an AirBnB. How much real additional happiness do people get out of those different types of vacations? Especially if you are used to taking that kind of vacation I don't think the marginal value is that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be just me, but I have noticed that there have been a lot of posts obsessing over status and wealth and how rich people can just literally buy everything they will ever need and buy their children life-long security and prosperity and happiness. I find the people with trust funds who seem to chime in on every thread about how they are living a normal life but secretly their children will have "security" for the rest of their lives particularly grating.

The underlying idea is that if you do not make or have as much money as you possibly can, you might be doing your children a disservice, which can certainly sting the devoted/obsessive parents on a website called "DC Urban Moms (and Dads)."

I think that this is a huge load of baloney because it is not what I have seen with my most wealthy relatives. I grew up with a set of cousins in flyover country whose parents probably have over $20 million net worth. So not hedge fund money, but not money most of us will ever see. They got to travel extensively and have all the luxuries money could buy. We would visit and I remember thinking that their lives were so perfect. My upbringing, on the other hand, was upper middle class but highly dysfunctional. I was raised by a single mother with pretty bad mental health problems who had support from her family, which gave some normalcy and stability to our lives.

Since my rich relatives and I are around the same age, I can tell you that as adults, I don't think that they have better lives than I do. Some of them went to top schools but so did I. Some of them have failed marriages, or mediocre careers. One lives with a chronic health condition that I would not want for a billion dollars. I have a good career and a good marriage and decent health. I don't look at any of them and think "I want her life." Our family is close enough that I know that their lives have some good and some bad, like everyone else. I don't envy that they will have a large inheritance because I can't really bring myself to care about it. I have also seen people squander huge inheritances but that is a story for another day. I don't particularly resent my miserable childhood because it made me who I am, for better or worse. Money gives people a sense of control over their lives, but it is largely an illusion. There are just too many variables in life.

TL; DR: It's more important to give your children a good education and relationship skills than buckets of money. The marriage partner they choose will probably have a bigger impact on their quality of life as adults than almost anything else you do, and you have very little control over that. And help your crazy relatives because their children will appreciate it. I hope this makes someone feel better. YMMV.

Well said...a little smug...but well said. I think the point you are making despite the schadenfreude (especially about your sick cousin...that's a little too much!) is that money doesn't buy happiness. I think everyone eagerly or at least deep down cannot argue that. I would go further and say that at a certain level of income & wealth any additional wealth really has marginal value. Some people take private jets to multi-million dollar third or fourth homes in hawaii. Some people fly first class to stay at the Four Seasons in Hawaii. Some people fly economy to stay at the Marriott in Hawaii. Some people drive down to Florida and stay at an AirBnB. How much real additional happiness do people get out of those different types of vacations? Especially if you are used to taking that kind of vacation I don't think the marginal value is that much.

Sorry I forgot to add one thought to tie it to OP's post. In fact, I believe if you are raising kids and they are always flying private and staying at the Four Seasons you are actually doing them a disservice. Even if you have oodles of money I think they should experience a road trip, AirBnB, etc enough that they then appreciate the finer things and don't always expect them. Also, can they replicate that lifestyle when they grow up, can their kids? At some point unless you are a bazillionaire it starts to run out generationally and someone is going to have to go from a luxurious childhood to a more modest adulthood...I don't know but that sounds exactly like the wrong direction...everything goes downhill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be just me, but I have noticed that there have been a lot of posts obsessing over status and wealth and how rich people can just literally buy everything they will ever need and buy their children life-long security and prosperity and happiness. I find the people with trust funds who seem to chime in on every thread about how they are living a normal life but secretly their children will have "security" for the rest of their lives particularly grating.

The underlying idea is that if you do not make or have as much money as you possibly can, you might be doing your children a disservice, which can certainly sting the devoted/obsessive parents on a website called "DC Urban Moms (and Dads)."

I think that this is a huge load of baloney because it is not what I have seen with my most wealthy relatives. I grew up with a set of cousins in flyover country whose parents probably have over $20 million net worth. So not hedge fund money, but not money most of us will ever see. They got to travel extensively and have all the luxuries money could buy. We would visit and I remember thinking that their lives were so perfect. My upbringing, on the other hand, was upper middle class but highly dysfunctional. I was raised by a single mother with pretty bad mental health problems who had support from her family, which gave some normalcy and stability to our lives.

Since my rich relatives and I are around the same age, I can tell you that as adults, I don't think that they have better lives than I do. Some of them went to top schools but so did I. Some of them have failed marriages, or mediocre careers. One lives with a chronic health condition that I would not want for a billion dollars. I have a good career and a good marriage and decent health. I don't look at any of them and think "I want her life." Our family is close enough that I know that their lives have some good and some bad, like everyone else. I don't envy that they will have a large inheritance because I can't really bring myself to care about it. I have also seen people squander huge inheritances but that is a story for another day. I don't particularly resent my miserable childhood because it made me who I am, for better or worse. Money gives people a sense of control over their lives, but it is largely an illusion. There are just too many variables in life.

TL; DR: It's more important to give your children a good education and relationship skills than buckets of money. The marriage partner they choose will probably have a bigger impact on their quality of life as adults than almost anything else you do, and you have very little control over that. And help your crazy relatives because their children will appreciate it. I hope this makes someone feel better. YMMV.

Well said...a little smug...but well said. I think the point you are making despite the schadenfreude (especially about your sick cousin...that's a little too much!) is that money doesn't buy happiness. I think everyone eagerly or at least deep down cannot argue that. I would go further and say that at a certain level of income & wealth any additional wealth really has marginal value. Some people take private jets to multi-million dollar third or fourth homes in hawaii. Some people fly first class to stay at the Four Seasons in Hawaii. Some people fly economy to stay at the Marriott in Hawaii. Some people drive down to Florida and stay at an AirBnB. How much real additional happiness do people get out of those different types of vacations? Especially if you are used to taking that kind of vacation I don't think the marginal value is that much.

Sorry, not trying to be smug! Sorry if it came off that way. Especially about the sick cousin (who is not like bedridden or in pain or anything like that btw)!!! Just trying to point out that everyone has some burdens to bear. I'm very tired of the "money will solve all potential problems for me AND my descendants" attitude that has taken over here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be just me, but I have noticed that there have been a lot of posts obsessing over status and wealth and how rich people can just literally buy everything they will ever need and buy their children life-long security and prosperity and happiness. I find the people with trust funds who seem to chime in on every thread about how they are living a normal life but secretly their children will have "security" for the rest of their lives particularly grating.

The underlying idea is that if you do not make or have as much money as you possibly can, you might be doing your children a disservice, which can certainly sting the devoted/obsessive parents on a website called "DC Urban Moms (and Dads)."

I think that this is a huge load of baloney because it is not what I have seen with my most wealthy relatives. I grew up with a set of cousins in flyover country whose parents probably have over $20 million net worth. So not hedge fund money, but not money most of us will ever see. They got to travel extensively and have all the luxuries money could buy. We would visit and I remember thinking that their lives were so perfect. My upbringing, on the other hand, was upper middle class but highly dysfunctional. I was raised by a single mother with pretty bad mental health problems who had support from her family, which gave some normalcy and stability to our lives.

Since my rich relatives and I are around the same age, I can tell you that as adults, I don't think that they have better lives than I do. Some of them went to top schools but so did I. Some of them have failed marriages, or mediocre careers. One lives with a chronic health condition that I would not want for a billion dollars. I have a good career and a good marriage and decent health. I don't look at any of them and think "I want her life." Our family is close enough that I know that their lives have some good and some bad, like everyone else. I don't envy that they will have a large inheritance because I can't really bring myself to care about it. I have also seen people squander huge inheritances but that is a story for another day. I don't particularly resent my miserable childhood because it made me who I am, for better or worse. Money gives people a sense of control over their lives, but it is largely an illusion. There are just too many variables in life.

TL; DR: It's more important to give your children a good education and relationship skills than buckets of money. The marriage partner they choose will probably have a bigger impact on their quality of life as adults than almost anything else you do, and you have very little control over that. And help your crazy relatives because their children will appreciate it. I hope this makes someone feel better. YMMV.

Well said...a little smug...but well said. I think the point you are making despite the schadenfreude (especially about your sick cousin...that's a little too much!) is that money doesn't buy happiness. I think everyone eagerly or at least deep down cannot argue that. I would go further and say that at a certain level of income & wealth any additional wealth really has marginal value. Some people take private jets to multi-million dollar third or fourth homes in hawaii. Some people fly first class to stay at the Four Seasons in Hawaii. Some people fly economy to stay at the Marriott in Hawaii. Some people drive down to Florida and stay at an AirBnB. How much real additional happiness do people get out of those different types of vacations? Especially if you are used to taking that kind of vacation I don't think the marginal value is that much.

Sorry I forgot to add one thought to tie it to OP's post. In fact, I believe if you are raising kids and they are always flying private and staying at the Four Seasons you are actually doing them a disservice. Even if you have oodles of money I think they should experience a road trip, AirBnB, etc enough that they then appreciate the finer things and don't always expect them. Also, can they replicate that lifestyle when they grow up, can their kids? At some point unless you are a bazillionaire it starts to run out generationally and someone is going to have to go from a luxurious childhood to a more modest adulthood...I don't know but that sounds exactly like the wrong direction...everything goes downhill.

Yup. It's a common pattern with very wealthy families if they aren't careful. We have one friend who lives off a family trust fund. She's pretty smart with her money, but her brother basically blew through his money (with the help of a gold-digging wife who left him when the money ran out) and is now living basically a middle- to lower-middle-class lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound smug and mean...especially about the cousin with the health condition, as a PP mentioned. Everyone knows money doesn’t buy happiness or health. Hell, my husband has a chronic health condition that no one would want “for a billion dollars” and we’re not even close to rich. I’m pretty sure most of this forum’s posters know that their kids’ lives are not going to be perfect bc of money, but they’re leaving behind whatever they can to ensure their children have the strongest financial foundation they can provide. I don’t begrudge them that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound smug and mean...especially about the cousin with the health condition, as a PP mentioned. Everyone knows money doesn’t buy happiness or health. Hell, my husband has a chronic health condition that no one would want “for a billion dollars” and we’re not even close to rich. I’m pretty sure most of this forum’s posters know that their kids’ lives are not going to be perfect bc of money, but they’re leaving behind whatever they can to ensure their children have the strongest financial foundation they can provide. I don’t begrudge them that.

Sorry sorry sorry!! I did not mean it to come off that way!! The sick cousin is ok. She has a good life and a family! It was not my point!

[Anonymous]

I get what you're saying, OP, and don't find anything wrong with your post.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not sure what your point is. You are describing the difference between your (self-described) UMC upbringing and your cousins' rich upbringing. Of course there isn't a ton of difference there other than in experience.

But if you were raised food-insecure or housing-insecure, then there would be a huge and meaningful difference. Also, it's not clear from your post what your experience was, but not being saddled with massive educational debt is a huge advantage in life.

For sure, after a certain income level (that is much lower than most people on these boards thing), more money doesn't buy happiness. But let's not pretend that that "good education" and stability that you are espousing as the secret to happiness are things that everyone can provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound smug and mean...especially about the cousin with the health condition, as a PP mentioned. Everyone knows money doesn’t buy happiness or health. Hell, my husband has a chronic health condition that no one would want “for a billion dollars” and we’re not even close to rich. I’m pretty sure most of this forum’s posters know that their kids’ lives are not going to be perfect bc of money, but they’re leaving behind whatever they can to ensure their children have the strongest financial foundation they can provide. I don’t begrudge them that.

+1. I don’t think there are too many adults thinking - omg I’m providing my kids a $10 million trust fund, their lives will be perfect. Most adults are not as naive as you think they are — they realize that bad marriages, recessions, and health issues can happen to anyone including their rich kids. But honestly you’re insecure and kidding yourself if you think money doesn’t make lives easier esp big money. It provides the parents (and kids) the security of knowing that if they lost their job or a pre existing condition caused health insurance cost to triple or they had to spend big money to see a top specialist that doesn’t take insurance, it would be no sweat financially. You’re kidding yourself if you think that kind of mental security isn’t priceless. It’s not all about flying first class and staying at the Ritz in Paris.

[Anonymous]

Op - Cliff Note approach next time - for a more interesting read, but what you had to say was worthwhile. Thanks for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not sure what your point is. You are describing the difference between your (self-described) UMC upbringing and your cousins' rich upbringing. Of course there isn't a ton of difference there other than in experience.

But if you were raised food-insecure or housing-insecure, then there would be a huge and meaningful difference. Also, it's not clear from your post what your experience was, but not being saddled with massive educational debt is a huge advantage in life.

For sure, after a certain income level (that is much lower than most people on these boards thing), more money doesn't buy happiness. But let's not pretend that that "good education" and stability that you are espousing as the secret to happiness are things that everyone can provide.

My point was that there are a lot of people on this board who express a lot of frustration because they are not "rich" or making more money, when they are probably middle class to upper middle class and giving their children all of the essentials to have a fairly successful, functional life. Don't you see all the threads about marrying rich or regretting not marrying rich or status symbols or obsessing over huge sums of money for this or that? This is not a healthy group.

I do not think there are a lot of food or housing insecure people on this board. Or maybe I miss those posts. We should remain aware of these issues and vote and give our time and money accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I have the same type of relatives who are splitting a $40mm inheritance. What's interesting to me is that 2 of the 3 opted out of parenthood. And despite their mountain of money, they don't really travel that much - which is exactly what I'd do if I had a mountain of money! The non-parents live relatively modest lives in reasonable homes doing the work of their choosing - but working nonetheless. The married one has some health problems and splurges more then the other 2, gives a lot of nice things to the kids, pays for education, etc.

They can buy whatever they want, but at some point your home gets filled up and then what is there?

I liked the point about the various ways of getting to Hawaii. Even the economy flyers who stay at the HoJo are enjoying a Hawaiian vacation. Many paths toward happiness.

It's been important to us to vacation at different price points with the kids. Sometimes we end up in a dump B&B, less frequently we're at the Ritz. They won't be able to replicate their childhood trips without getting themselves a good job. But we also plan to treat the entire family when and if that time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound smug and mean...especially about the cousin with the health condition, as a PP mentioned. Everyone knows money doesn’t buy happiness or health. Hell, my husband has a chronic health condition that no one would want “for a billion dollars” and we’re not even close to rich. I’m pretty sure most of this forum’s posters know that their kids’ lives are not going to be perfect bc of money, but they’re leaving behind whatever they can to ensure their children have the strongest financial foundation they can provide. I don’t begrudge them that.

+1. I don’t think there are too many adults thinking - omg I’m providing my kids a $10 million trust fund, their lives will be perfect. Most adults are not as naive as you think they are — they realize that bad marriages, recessions, and health issues can happen to anyone including their rich kids. But honestly you’re insecure and kidding yourself if you think money doesn’t make lives easier esp big money. It provides the parents (and kids) the security of knowing that if they lost their job or a pre existing condition caused health insurance cost to triple or they had to spend big money to see a top specialist that doesn’t take insurance, it would be no sweat financially. You’re kidding yourself if you think that kind of mental security isn’t priceless. It’s not all about flying first class and staying at the Ritz in Paris.

Not sure why you see the need to get mean about my post and call me insecure. Maybe you are right, but my post was not for those not-naive people. This forum appears to me to be chock full of people who have a really desperate attitude about money.

And of course money is important and can give you some security. But honestly- who cares? For many of us, we'll never "get rich" and it doesn't matter. If you have two working parents and good insurance, chances are really high that you will make it through a crisis ok. We have to save what we can and live our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound smug and mean...especially about the cousin with the health condition, as a PP mentioned. Everyone knows money doesn’t buy happiness or health. Hell, my husband has a chronic health condition that no one would want “for a billion dollars” and we’re not even close to rich. I’m pretty sure most of this forum’s posters know that their kids’ lives are not going to be perfect bc of money, but they’re leaving behind whatever they can to ensure their children have the strongest financial foundation they can provide. I don’t begrudge them that.

+1. I don’t think there are too many adults thinking - omg I’m providing my kids a $10 million trust fund, their lives will be perfect. Most adults are not as naive as you think they are — they realize that bad marriages, recessions, and health issues can happen to anyone including their rich kids. But honestly you’re insecure and kidding yourself if you think money doesn’t make lives easier esp big money. It provides the parents (and kids) the security of knowing that if they lost their job or a pre existing condition caused health insurance cost to triple or they had to spend big money to see a top specialist that doesn’t take insurance, it would be no sweat financially. You’re kidding yourself if you think that kind of mental security isn’t priceless. It’s not all about flying first class and staying at the Ritz in Paris.

Not sure why you see the need to get mean about my post and call me insecure. Maybe you are right, but my post was not for those not-naive people. This forum appears to me to be chock full of people who have a really desperate attitude about money.

And of course money is important and can give you some security. But honestly- who cares? For many of us, we'll never "get rich" and it doesn't matter. If you have two working parents and good insurance, chances are really high that you will make it through a crisis ok. We have to save what we can and live our lives.

I’m being mean?? You’re mocking someone’s health problems?! If you think the security of wealth isn’t important, here’s a hint — don’t pursue it. If you think it’s fine that there are “high chances” that everything will be fine, great. Some people want to pursue true wealth to leave it behind for the next generation so that they aren’t relying on high chances + 2 working parents + good insurance. They can not work or their employer can quadruple insurance premiums and they’ll 100% guaranteed not have to make any financial choices or change their lifestyles one bit. If providing that kind of security is unappealing, don’t.