Reply to Let the kids work it out

Forum Index » Elementary School-Aged Kids

Reply to "Let the kids work it out"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]I think I'm somewhere in between with my kids -- ages 9 and 6.  They generally get along well, but like all siblings they squabble and bicker sometimes.

I give them some space when they argue because often they really can work it out.  It's also their chance to practice the communications skills that they're learning from DH and I and also at school re conflict resolution / using their words / being respectful of others etc.

Though it's hard for me to listen to my kids argue (and yes, to listen as my older DC tries to dominate or pull one over on my younger DC), the upside is that I'm giving them space to learn experientialy.  And to work together as a team, which is so important IMHO.  I'm also signaling that I have confidence in their abilities to figure it out -- rather than showing with my behavior that I think they need me to "swoop in" and solve their problems.

Sometimes it works . . . and sometimes it doesn't.  When I get the sense that the conflict is only escalating (or that DC2 is getting beaten down), I'll step in with the most minimalist advice I can offer to get them back on the right path.  ("Yikes.  I hear a lot of yelling.  Are you all listening to each other with respect?  Yeah?  Look -- I don't want to hear it.  You two can figure it out yourselves.  You're good problem solvers, but you need to be respectful of each other.  Try again -- I know you can work it out.)  And then I step back out.

I think one of the keys in our house is that DH and I try to do the "teaching" part with them at other times -- not always in the heat of the moment when they're fighting, but instead at quieter, calmer times when they're in more of an open/listening mode.  For example, while we're in the car:

"Hey, guys.  Remember yesterday when you were arguing over whose turn it was to use X?  It sounded like things got pretty heated.  What was up with that?  Hmmm.  And then it got loud?  DC2 - what was going on there?  Really?  DC1 -- how about for you -- what was the problem?  Ah. 
 So it sounds like you all couldn't work it out and there was yelling and whacking each other?  Not great, right?  So what's anotehr way you two could have handled it?  Yeah, that might have worked better.  What else?   Yeah.  Right.  That's a good idea for next time.  Remember -- you two are a TEAM.  It's not always easy to live with someone else and compromise. But you two are good problem solvers, and I've seen you work things out when you slow down and think together."

Even better when DH or I can also have a version of that quick chat with them one-on-one -- this way we can talk about their particular role in the sibling squabbles and how to do their part to "work it out".

To DC1:

"So I heard you and DC2 arguing about the ABC game yesterday.  Did he actually quit and throw something?  Yikes.  What happened?  Ahhh.  Got it.  Did you actually cheat?  No?  So why did he think that?  Oh.  It sounds like you all had different ideas about what the rules should be.  How could you have talked about that?  He wasn't listening?  Yeah, he's six.  He sometimes still loses it over small things, but he's working on it.  But what's something you can do that helps him calm down and work together?  Yeah, that's a good idea.  How would you say it next time?  Right.  I bet that would help.  My sense is you two are actually pretty good at working things out if you stick with each other and don't flip out.  Just like me and Uncle X. 
 You'll get there!"

To DC2:

"So I heard you and DC1 arguing about the ABC game yesterday.  Did you say she cheated?  Yikes?  What happened?  Ahhh.  Got it.  How frustrating!  It sounds like you all had different ideas about what the rules should be.  How could you have talked about that?  She wasn't listening?  Yeah, even though she's older, she's still learning, too.  She sometimes still loses it over small things.  But what's something you can do to work it out together?  Yeah, that's a good idea.  How would you say it next time?  Right.  I bet that would work.  My sense is you two are actually pretty good at working things out if you stick with each other and don't flip out.  Uncle X and I were similar.  You'll get there!"
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics