Newly blended family - gift giving quandary

[Anonymous]

Background: I’m not close to my brother - no hate; just not much in common. Also I live 7h flight away (not in the US).

For thanksgiving, we did a Skype call with my parents. Brother brought along his GF (who I’d not heard of until then; my parents knew of her but had never met her in person) & both joined the call. My parents wrote later to say that brother & GF announced during dinner that they were getting married .. in a week. Yesterday was the wedding (county courthouse). We are all quite surprised but are happy for them & wishing the best.

Dilemma: In the nuclear family that my brother & I grew up in, Christmas tradition is that you stop getting presents once you’re 18. My brother has a 17yo daughter from 1st marriage. SIL has a 14-yr old son and an 18yr old daughter from her 1st marriage.

I don’t know what to do for presents!

For my 17yr old niece, I normally get her a nice Xmas present (usually a combo of something I think she will really like + $100gc). But now there are suddenly 2 more kids that I literally know nothing about and will not likely meet until I go back to the states (next visit is 2 years from now).

I’m thinking to set aside the ‘rule’ about no presents past 18, as they’ve just become a blended family, and treat all three kids as equal for this year with generic gc’s. But they aren’t really equal - I adore my niece, whom I’ve known and watched grow for 17 years vs literally knowing nothing about the other two kids, one of whom is a newly-fledged grown up. Next year, both girls would age into the 18yr old ‘rule’ and I would only be getting something for the 14 year old, who I won’t have met in person. That just seems awkward and I don’t want to set a strange precedent.

Fwiw, my 17y niece lives with her mom, but step niece/nephew live with my brother & new SIL. Also, my brother is not financially secure and has only sporadically ‘remembered’ birthdays/holidays with respect to my son (many times not even an email or a card). Nothing has ever been even between us, but I’ve always gotten something for my niece regardless (and maybe especially because I know things are often lean).

Maybe it’s time to just stop the presents and send a card? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I think you can explain the rule and let the 18 year old know that you grandfathered her in this year as a welcome to the family. My mother did something similar for my stepson. Skip the gift cards and buy all three kids something thoughtful.
Or buy a family gift in the form of an experience. $300 will get a nice day of skiiing for a family of five.

[Anonymous]

I think it's ok to do what you've always done for your niece, but then send something generous (but not the same as your niece) for the other two with a nice welcome to the family note.

[Anonymous]

Send to niece at her mom's house. Send a family gift to brother's house - maybe something edible. Or send a wedding/holiday gift as a one time deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can explain the rule and let the 18 year old know that you grandfathered her in this year as a welcome to the family. My mother did something similar for my stepson. Skip the gift cards and buy all three kids something thoughtful.
Or buy a family gift in the form of an experience. $300 will get a nice day of skiiing for a family of five.

This is a great set of suggestions. Definitely explain the "rule" and the grandfathering act because it sets up clear expectations but also lays out that you're being thoughtful and welcoming. I like how you laid out the issue in your post, OP, so I know you will have the words to say it all as nicely as you have above. If you had put it all differently (worse/more bluntly) then I doubt I would agree about laying it out. Anyway, you sound like a very kind and thoughtful person. Merry Christmas!

[Anonymous]

I would ask your brother to explain the rule and confirm that he did it... it sounds super awkward to me to imagine you doing that as you mail a gift to the 18 year old anyway. Especially as this is likely to be one of your very first/early interactions.

[Anonymous]

Stop getting presents when you're 18????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop getting presents when you're 18????

That is a reasonable tradition.

[Anonymous]

OP, do what you have always done for your niece and just mail it to her home.

If they open gifts at a big family event, send a small amount itunes or amazon card for her to open with the others. Just make sure her gift arrives a few days early.

Not to be a downer, but it is entirely possible these kids and their mom will not be around in a year or two. Don't try to change your relationship with your niece over this

[Anonymous]

I think I would speak directly to my niece and tell her you want to include and welcome Jack and Jill so you will send small gifts for all three to her dad. Then say you will send an additional gift to her at her mom’s but ask that she be tactful in mentioning it around her new step siblings. 17 is plenty old enough to understand!

FWIW my children got new stepcousins” when my SIL married a man with similarly aged teens. My in laws gave all 4 kids several thoughtful gifts but also gave mine money on the side. My kids knew enough to keep that part on the down low and everyone gets along well. I’m quite sure those kids know ours get extra somehow but even if they “keep score” they are coming out ahead as they get gifts from 3 sets of grandparents and ours only have the traditional 2 sets

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you all for your ideas It’s all as new to me as it is to my parents - we’ll be putting our heads together shortly & I will bring forward many of your suggestions. Happy holidays to you all!

[Anonymous]

Or send a family gift -- like a movie theater gift package for everyone to attend a movie with popcorn and drinks, a membership to a local arts organization, etc. You can send an extra present to your niece because she is your niece. Next year you can follow your family tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send to niece at her mom's house. Send a family gift to brother's house - maybe something edible. Or send a wedding/holiday gift as a one time deal.

+1 You maintain consistency for your niece (who has to deal with a major change in her life) while welcoming your brother’s new wife and stepchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can explain the rule and let the 18 year old know that you grandfathered her in this year as a welcome to the family. My mother did something similar for my stepson. Skip the gift cards and buy all three kids something thoughtful.
Or buy a family gift in the form of an experience. $300 will get a nice day of skiiing for a family of five.

I like this idea. It is kind-hearted, and welcoming.

There are probably other answers, but anything you choose should be at least as inclusive as this one. I also like the "grandfathering" because it tells the girl she's an insider and also tells her she wasn't supposed to buy a present for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I’m not close to my brother - no hate; just not much in common. Also I live 7h flight away (not in the US).

For thanksgiving, we did a Skype call with my parents. Brother brought along his GF (who I’d not heard of until then; my parents knew of her but had never met her in person) & both joined the call. My parents wrote later to say that brother & GF announced during dinner that they were getting married .. in a week. Yesterday was the wedding (county courthouse). We are all quite surprised but are happy for them & wishing the best.

Dilemma: In the nuclear family that my brother & I grew up in, Christmas tradition is that you stop getting presents once you’re 18. My brother has a 17yo daughter from 1st marriage. SIL has a 14-yr old son and an 18yr old daughter from her 1st marriage.

I don’t know what to do for presents!

For my 17yr old niece, I normally get her a nice Xmas present (usually a combo of something I think she will really like + $100gc). But now there are suddenly 2 more kids that I literally know nothing about and will not likely meet until I go back to the states (next visit is 2 years from now).

I’m thinking to set aside the ‘rule’ about no presents past 18, as they’ve just become a blended family, and treat all three kids as equal for this year with generic gc’s. But they aren’t really equal - I adore my niece, whom I’ve known and watched grow for 17 years vs literally knowing nothing about the other two kids, one of whom is a newly-fledged grown up. Next year, both girls would age into the 18yr old ‘rule’ and I would only be getting something for the 14 year old, who I won’t have met in person. That just seems awkward and I don’t want to set a strange precedent.

Fwiw, my 17y niece lives with her mom, but step niece/nephew live with my brother & new SIL. Also, my brother is not financially secure and has only sporadically ‘remembered’ birthdays/holidays with respect to my son (many times not even an email or a card). Nothing has ever been even between us, but I’ve always gotten something for my niece regardless (and maybe especially because I know things are often lean).

Maybe it’s time to just stop the presents and send a card? WWYD?

Get presents for all 3 kids. In terms of what to get, I'd either ask the your new SIL what her kids would want or get giftcards of the same denomination for all 3 kids.