Sister issues

[Anonymous]

This is so cliché but I need help. Our parents are both dead and my sister and are meeting in a week to clean out my moms house. We both live in different countries from each other and have spent many years not really very close. I would like to be closer to her, but she is not interested. She says I put pressure on her to have that relationship and accuses me of forcing her to change. So its always on her terms and I feel unsupported and alone and sad because I need more intimate relationship to feel like this person matters to me. She says by just being sisters I should know how much she cares about me, but we see each other at most 1 year and have hardly any contact otherwise. Is it weird for me to expect my sister to care about my feelings? Should not she at least care that I need support from her? She has no real friends and a distant relationship to her husband so this is a trend and I know its not just me. But am I the crazy unreasonable one? I have stopped trying so hard with her, but I still get very sad about it hence why this upcoming trip is freaking me out.

[Anonymous]

Very sad for you. Unfortunately, you cannot compel your sister to have the kind of relationship you desire. She feels like you judge her means of being "close" and that triggers resentment. I would put that energy into finding a female friend who can be like a sister to you. It will take time but move you further along the path to healing. Good luck, OP and Happy Thanksgiving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very sad for you. Unfortunately, you cannot compel your sister to have the kind of relationship you desire. She feels like you judge her means of being "close" and that triggers resentment. I would put that energy into finding a female friend who can be like a sister to you. It will take time but move you further along the path to healing. Good luck, OP and Happy Thanksgiving!

+1

Given her relationships with others it does not sound like she is capable of being the type of emotional support you are looking for.

[Anonymous]

Please don't force it. It is what it is, you are different and are unlikely to change. I have no relationship with my sister. Last time we saw each other was at our Dad's funeral. We are polar opposites, always were. And I am OK with that.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I have a similar relationship except I am like your sister. I am very independent and am most comfortable with similar people. My sister says she wants my "support" but honestly it feels like what she wants is a never-ending stream of attention and reassurance. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I can tell you I am simply unable to give it. I would move the earth for her in an emergency, but there is no way I am spending an hour on the phone with her while she describes her day to day struggles. Being blood relatives doesn't mean we have similar interaction styles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I have a similar relationship except I am like your sister. I am very independent and am most comfortable with similar people. My sister says she wants my "support" but honestly it feels like what she wants is a never-ending stream of attention and reassurance. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I can tell you I am simply unable to give it. I would move the earth for her in an emergency, but there is no way I am spending an hour on the phone with her while she describes her day to day struggles. Being blood relatives doesn't mean we have similar interaction styles.

Thanks this is incredibly helpful. I am sure she thinks of me as some emotional train wreck cause I actually talk about my feelings. This perspective is eye opening!

[Anonymous]

My family is in Europe and I see them on average once a year.
My father used to see his family once every 5 years.

You can't change an introvert, OP. Stop badgering her for something she cannot give, and seek a second family among your closest friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I have a similar relationship except I am like your sister. I am very independent and am most comfortable with similar people. My sister says she wants my "support" but honestly it feels like what she wants is a never-ending stream of attention and reassurance. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I can tell you I am simply unable to give it. I would move the earth for her in an emergency, but there is no way I am spending an hour on the phone with her while she describes her day to day struggles. Being blood relatives doesn't mean we have similar interaction styles.

Thanks this is incredibly helpful. I am sure she thinks of me as some emotional train wreck cause I actually talk about my feelings. This perspective is eye opening!

Oh, you're a feeling-talker. Yes, I would run away from you.
For your own sake, find like-minded friends!