13 yo DD afraid to sleep alone

[Anonymous]

....and no, there's been no traumatic experiences. Ironically, she's my NT child but I'm posting here because it's now gotten to the point where it's impacting her ADL and because the posters on this forum typically have more constructive suggestions. I'm sure you know what I mean!

DD has slept alone since about age 9. Prior to that, she shared a room with her brothers. At first, it was because we only had a 2 bedroom place. Then, it was by choice. When she was 9, she had an accident and needed care that would have been disruptive to her brothers so we put her in the extra bedroom. She was fine with that and once she was better, she decided she wanted her own room. That was fine with us as we knew the day would come when the girl would be separated from the boys.

DD has never liked being in the basement by herself (even though it's only 4 feet under grade) but that's pretty typical. But, about 2 months ago, she developed this fear of sleeping alone. She said it was caused after she watched a scary movie and it freaked her out. No big deal, I thought, she can take the little dog to sleep with her or she can sleep in her brothers' room. She said the little dog doesn't help (but still takes the dog with her to sleep) and she said sleeping in her brothers' room won't help. They're too 'oblivious'. We also have a very large dog and we talk about the fact that he would take down anyone that tried coming into the house. She acknowledges that but she's still scared. A few times, DH or I would stay in her room until she fell asleep but she still insists that the light be on - and I'm not talking about a nightlight. I'm talking about a light bright enough you can read by it.

We have excellent sleep hygiene - no screen time 2 hours before bed, no caffeine after 3:00, good exercise, good diet, consistent bedtime/wake up, takes Benedryl and melatonin before bed, does a mindfulness exercise before bed, etc. Intellectually, she knows this is irrational and I believe this is a form of anxiety (which her brothers have, just not about sleep) and it's getting worse. She's not getting enough sleep and the sleep she is getting isn't good quality. How do I help her?

[Anonymous]

This was me. I’m stkll afraid of the dark at 44 but I have meds and therapy which taught me ways to deal with it.

In my case there was trauma. I slept on the floor of my brother’s room for several years and was severely anxious inside. Internalized it all. Had no idea how to communicate this to anyone. Now I realize it was an anxiety disorder brought about by trauma that my parents were oblivious to. I say this because you just might not know...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your response, 8:06. We've asked DD multiple times, multiple ways if anything has happened and her response has been consistent. But, I recognize people can struggle with disclosing trauma. What would have encouraged you to speak up? (And I'm sorry you experienced this)

[Anonymous]

Therapy seems like it would make sense. Might want to look into whether CBT is helpful since she knows it's irrational and wants to stop.

[Anonymous]

I think you should put a hidden camera in her bedroom for a week and see what is going on down there at night. Don't tell anyone you have done so. Just to rule out anything that might be waking her.

[Anonymous]

I was like this at that age because I read horror novels no 13 year old should ever read (my parents had no idea, but I got them from some older kids on my bus, and I was a big reader, sooooooo....I couldn't resist).

The images and phrases from those horrible books would float into my head in the dark and I was petrified! I stopped reading the horror novels after two or three, but the scenes stuck in my head for a long time.

I think a really scary movie could do this, OP. If your daughter is sensitive and hadn't had prior exposure to material like that, seeing a horror movie could trigger this.

[Anonymous]

Can she and the boys swap rooms? She might feel safer upstairs closer to your room.

[Anonymous]

I will doubtless get flamed for this, but here's my suggestion: let your DD know that she is ALWAYS welcome to sleep in your room if that is what she needs. You might even set up a place for her to use--with a sleeping bag and pillow for example. Do this with some boundaries: she can't come into your bed, but the room is fine. I firmly believe that knowing the option is there will make a difference.

Her comment about her brothers being "oblivious" is pretty revealing: it sounds like your DD is looking for reassurance that someone recognizes her fears. So take that cue from her: let her feel her feelings, ask her about what she needs in this moment, and gradually work toward teaching her skills for coping with her fears and anxieties.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like anxiety. I have anxiety now as a grown up, and as a child I was terrified of going to sleep because I thought someone would break into the house. We lived in a safe, suburban area and I never had any trauma. I don't know where I got the fear, but it was persistent. I would desperately try to fall asleep before my parents did, because once the lights were out and the house was quiet I was immobilized by terror. My son has anxiety now so I am reading about it, and one of the things that struck me was that you don't try to reassure anxiety that everything will be okay "the dog will protect you," but help the child reject the thought and replace it. "That is a worry thought. The liklihood of someone coming into the house is zilch. My brain is tricking me. I know I am safe here." But yes, I'd get your kiddo to a therapist because it sounds like she has some anxiety, and if there is anything I've learned about anxiety over the years its that it rarely stops with ruining one area of your life...it creeps into others. So help her learn some skills now, and maybe it will prevent anxiety from impacting other areas of her life. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would be careful with getting her dependent on medication to make her sleep. I would not be comfortable sleeping in the basement while everyone else slept upstairs. My and my siblings bedrooms were on the 3rd floor and I didn't like sleeping upstairs alone and would sleep downstairs sometimes near my parents as a teen. I still don't like being home alone at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be careful with getting her dependent on medication to make her sleep. I would not be comfortable sleeping in the basement while everyone else slept upstairs. My and my siblings bedrooms were on the 3rd floor and I didn't like sleeping upstairs alone and would sleep downstairs sometimes near my parents as a teen. I still don't like being home alone at night.[/quote]

This. Her fear is very reasonable. Is there anyway you can move her upstairs? Move to a house where everyone is on the same floor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be careful with getting her dependent on medication to make her sleep. I would not be comfortable sleeping in the basement while everyone else slept upstairs. My and my siblings bedrooms were on the 3rd floor and I didn't like sleeping upstairs alone and would sleep downstairs sometimes near my parents as a teen. I still don't like being home alone at night.[/quote]

This. Her fear is very reasonable. Is there anyway you can move her upstairs? Move to a house where everyone is on the same floor?

This. Her fear is very reasonable. Is there anyway you can move her upstairs? Move to a house where everyone is on the same floor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be careful with getting her dependent on medication to make her sleep. I would not be comfortable sleeping in the basement while everyone else slept upstairs. My and my siblings bedrooms were on the 3rd floor and I didn't like sleeping upstairs alone and would sleep downstairs sometimes near my parents as a teen. I still don't like being home alone at night.[/quote]

This. Her fear is very reasonable. Is there anyway you can move her upstairs? Move to a house where everyone is on the same floor?

This. Her fear is very reasonable. Is there anyway you can move her upstairs? Move to a house where everyone is on the same floor?

This. Her fear is very reasonable. Is there anyway you can move her upstairs? Move to a house where everyone is on the same floor?

[Anonymous]

I don't think from OP's post that her daughter's room is in the basement. I think her daughter has always been scared of the basement but the fear of being in her bedroom (not in the basement) is new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think from OP's post that her daughter's room is in the basement. I think her daughter has always been scared of the basement but the fear of being in her bedroom (not in the basement) is new.

Yes and getting her out of the basement into a room where she feels safe and comfortable will lead to better sleep and (hopefully) resolve the anxiety issue.