Clueless coworker?

[Anonymous]

I'm curious how other people might deal with the following situation. There's a woman in my office who doesn't seem able to take hints. She's developed a reputation for inserting herself into conversations, dropping by offices and desks when the person is obviously really, really busy, etc. I don't work with her often and have only talked to her once or twice, so it hasn't affected me. Until last night.

A friend was in town and we had a dinner reservation; our first girls night in over a year as we both have kids and crazy jobs. As the hostess was showing us to our table, I ran into this coworker at the bar. I said hi, introduced my friend and continued walking...and she invited herself to join us! She literally grabbed her purse off the bar stool and started following us. I told her we had a reservation for 2 (the place was packed) so she asked the hostess if there was room for 3 at the table. I didn't know what to do! So what ended up happening was she took the chair while my friend and I squeezed into the small bench across from her. She spent the whole dinner talking about herself. I didn't get to catch up with my friend at all and we left the restaurant totally exhausted and deflated.

Today, I'm fuming. I arranged for a sitter to be able to spend this time with my friend and someone I barely know completely hijacked our evening.

I know some people will find me incredibly unfriendly here and probably feel bad for my coworker. But I just don't know anyone who would do something like that! Everything about the situation made it obvious she was intruding. I'm honestly curious what others would do here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how other people might deal with the following situation. There's a woman in my office who doesn't seem able to take hints. She's developed a reputation for inserting herself into conversations, dropping by offices and desks when the person is obviously really, really busy, etc. I don't work with her often and have only talked to her once or twice, so it hasn't affected me. Until last night.

A friend was in town and we had a dinner reservation; our first girls night in over a year as we both have kids and crazy jobs. As the hostess was showing us to our table, I ran into this coworker at the bar. I said hi, introduced my friend and continued walking...and she invited herself to join us! She literally grabbed her purse off the bar stool and started following us. I told her we had a reservation for 2 (the place was packed) so she asked the hostess if there was room for 3 at the table. I didn't know what to do! So what ended up happening was she took the chair while my friend and I squeezed into the small bench across from her. She spent the whole dinner talking about herself. I didn't get to catch up with my friend at all and we left the restaurant totally exhausted and deflated.

Today, I'm fuming. I arranged for a sitter to be able to spend this time with my friend and someone I barely know completely hijacked our evening.

I know some people will find me incredibly unfriendly here and probably feel bad for my coworker. But I just don't know anyone who would do something like that! Everything about the situation made it obvious she was intruding. I'm honestly curious what others would do here.

I'm sorry this happened. Sounds like she really wants to be friends. I would have cut it off at the pass and said, I'm actually catching up with an old friend about personal matters, can we get a coffee or lunch sometime next week? Or just welcome her and enjoy aking a new friend!

[Anonymous]

I'd have definitely cut her off right as she got off her bar stool. "Actually Alana and I haven't gotten together in a year and we need to talk about some personal things. I'm sure you'll understand - we can get coffee next week okay? Have a great night!" And then Alana and I would have walked off.

[Anonymous]

She could possibly have adhd, as one of the major challenges of those with adhd is that they don’t pick up on social cues.

I know most people assume adhd is kids bouncing off the walls uncontrollably, lack of impulse control or daydreaming relentlessly, but honestly... not being quick on the social uptake is far more challenging than any of those other things (which don’t even effect many with adhd). Not picking up on social cues effects ALL with adhd.

My son has adhd & I refer to it like “he can’t get out of his own way” in social situations... maybe she’s the same?

Or maybe she’s just lonely as the above poster mentioned.

Was she with anyone else at the bar when you saw her?

[Anonymous]

This is awful. I'm not sure what I would have done, honestly. But at least now you know you need to be very specific and direct with her in all future situations with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She could possibly have adhd, as one of the major challenges of those with adhd is that they don’t pick up on social cues.

I know most people assume adhd is kids bouncing off the walls uncontrollably, lack of impulse control or daydreaming relentlessly, but honestly... not being quick on the social uptake is far more challenging than any of those other things (which don’t even effect many with adhd). Not picking up on social cues effects ALL with adhd.

My son has adhd & I refer to it like “he can’t get out of his own way” in social situations... maybe she’s the same?

Or maybe she’s just lonely as the above poster mentioned.

Was she with anyone else at the bar when you saw her?

I've never heard this - if anything, the opposite...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She could possibly have adhd, as one of the major challenges of those with adhd is that they don’t pick up on social cues.

I know most people assume adhd is kids bouncing off the walls uncontrollably, lack of impulse control or daydreaming relentlessly, but honestly... not being quick on the social uptake is far more challenging than any of those other things (which don’t even effect many with adhd). Not picking up on social cues effects ALL with [b]adhd.

My son has adhd & I refer to it like “he can’t get out of his own way” in social situations... maybe she’s the same?

Or maybe she’s just lonely as the above poster mentioned.

Was she with anyone else at the bar when you saw her?

While that may have been the coworkers issue, the older statement is just not true. Are you thinking of people on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

I would have told her "I'm sorry, it's going to be just the two of us tonight." And left it at that. Short and to the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have definitely cut her off right as she got off her bar stool. "Actually Alana and I haven't gotten together in a year and we need to talk about some personal things. I'm sure you'll understand - we can get coffee next week okay? Have a great night!" And then Alana and I would have walked off.

This. People can only walk all over you if you let them. With socially clueless types you need to be direct, even if it sounds harsh to you.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend that your coworker who I suspected had ADHD but it turned out to be undiagnosed bipolar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend was in town and we had a dinner reservation; our first girls night in over a year as we both have kids and crazy jobs. As the hostess was showing us to our table, I ran into this coworker at the bar. I said hi, introduced my friend and continued walking...and she invited herself to join us! She literally grabbed her purse off the bar stool and started following us. I told her we had a reservation for 2 (the place was packed) so she asked the hostess if there was room for 3 at the table. I didn't know what to do! So what ended up happening was she took the chair while my friend and I squeezed into the small bench across from her. She spent the whole dinner talking about herself. I didn't get to catch up with my friend at all and we left the restaurant totally exhausted and deflated.

These things only happen if you let them happen. You need to step and be an adult.

Let's frame it another way. If you had paid for an expensive 2 person event for yourself and your daughter and happened to meet another person who invited herself to your event, what would you do? Let's say that this person bumped into you as you were entering the event and she said to the hostess that she was the second person participating and that your daughter was just going to watch because it was really an adult event. The normal thing is to speak up and tell the hostess something like "I'm sorry, but that's not the case. My daughter is the second participant for this event. Jane, I'll see you back at the office tomorrow. "

Likewise, you need speak up for yourself here. When she asked the hostess if there was room for 3 at the table, you needed to speak up and say "I'm sorry, but we made a reservation for 2 because we really need to catch up alone. Jane, I'll see you at the office tomorrow." If she tries to insist, ask the hostess if she'll find another table for 'Jane' and let the hostess deal with the clueless co-worker. She only gets to join your party if you allow her to. In your situation, you allowed her to by not insisting that she leave you and your friend.

I find that many people can stand up for their children but cannot stand up for themselves. Learn to frame this the same way as you would stand up for your child. Be an adult.

Today, I'm fuming. I arranged for a sitter to be able to spend this time with my friend and someone I barely know completely hijacked our evening.

You should be mad at yourself for letting this person take advantage of you. You were afraid of causing a scene and refused to stand up for yourself. Learn from this to change the next time she tries something similar.

I know some people will find me incredibly unfriendly here and probably feel bad for my coworker. But I just don't know anyone who would do something like that! Everything about the situation made it obvious she was intruding. I'm honestly curious what others would do here.

There are many situations where events will happen differently than you would like. If you allow them to happen when you can say something, you have yourself to blame. There are many, many people who will take advantage of you if you let them. Learn to navigate situations to ensure that where you can, you get the outcome you want.

For example, if you are busy with a deadline and she walks up and starts a conversation you look up and say "Jane, I have a deadline that I'm just barely going to make. I can't talk now. " If she says more or doesn't move to leave, then you get explicit "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." If she comes up to a discussion and tries to insert herself you have to be firm "I'm sorry, Jane, but this is a private conversation. Please excuse us." Just be firm.

[Anonymous]

She sounds clueless, and that being more direct would most likely not offend her. Most shy or anxious people are too worried about offending someone, so they wouldn't have asserted themselves into your dinner. I would try saying something to her as it will help her in the long run (cruel to be kind in the right measure).

Maybe start with an out "Jane, I don't think you realized but last night ..." in case she is both shy and awkward.