Mother in law dating after losing husband
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Anonymous
| My mother in law is a very nice person. She lost her husband, my father in law, in a sudden way last year and I think it has left a "scar" of trauma to her life. She won't even go to the mall because they used to go there. Or Costco. Well, 7 months after his passing she started spending time with a family friend and now they are dating. Like going on trips together and sleeping over dating. We no longer live near her so part of me is glad she has someone to spend time with. Another part of me is wondering if this guy is an opportunist. I know I can't butt in but it's making everyone act strangely. My husband's brother hasnt seen her in 3 months over it. My husband has told her she can't come to visit with him because it's too confusing for the kids. I feel like I'm watching it from the outside.. and I feel like she has become very dependant on this man and I'm worried. He spends all day with her it seems. She owns a business and I'm not sure what he does all day. |
Anonymous
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OP, your husband and his brother are extremely unwise to cut their mom off like this. Here's why: If -- and it's only an "if" -- this man is an opportunist who intends to raid her bank accounts or get her house or whatever, there is no better way for him to worm his way into her life than by saying, "Look! Your own sons have cut you off even though you were widowed--wow, it's good you have me to rely on!" DH and BIL are practically writing that script for him with their decisions to stop seeing mom. Your DH and BIL would do far better to see and contact their mom MORE and not less. First, they should stay in closer contact and visit because doing so would simply be kind, considering the loss that all of them have sustained. Second, they should do it because if they seem to have abandoned her, she will become more reliant on the boyfriend for all attention and affection, and she will be much more vulnerable to anything he suggests to her. The brothers also have no idea (unless they know more than you mention in your post--?) whether this might be a good guy. You say he was a family friend; it's possible that he knows her very well and has for years, and that he is sincere in his attentions. But you don't seem to know "what he does all day" or much else about him. You'll never know, and will always have to assume the worst as your DH and BIL are doing now, if you don't stay close enough to MIL's situation for her to TALK to you, DH and BIL. Isn't it likely that DH and BIL are angry with their mom for daring to start dating just seven months after their dad died? I've seen adult children revert to furious, petulant kids over widowed parents who date, even longer after the death than your MIL started. It might help if DH can admit that he's angry not just about her seeing this man but about her seeing any man at all, and if DH can then be self-aware enough to stow those feelings and resume contact with his mom. If the guy is truly kind towards MIL, then MIL has gained a gem; if the guy is on the make and trying to get her business or whatever, MIL is not going to see it in time--especially if she feels forced into this guy's arms even more because her sons have stopped seeing her. DH and BIL are playing the role here of the parents who say to the daughter, "Don't you dare see Romeo!" It only makes him more attractive to her, to be told it's not appropriate. And it only makes her want to defend him. These brothers are helping to set mom up either to exit their lives (which would be sad) or to be scammed. |
Anonymous
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Does he not do anything all day because he's already retired?
A similar thing is happening to my MIL who lost her DH a few years ago, although the man she is "dating" is not a family friend, but a friend of a friend. DH and I looked this man up and he's loaded. Go figure, MIL always wanted to be rich. |
Anonymous
| OP here. My husband speaks to his mother daily and is happy to do so. He loves his mother very much but he is against her bringing him to our house or spending time with him. She is coming to visit for a week next month but he isn't coming. |
Anonymous
| In this situation I think I'd actually pay a PI to check the guy out. |
Anonymous
What a horrible thing to do to her. |
Anonymous
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OP again. It's so difficult to get advice when no one knows the story, lol but I really want insight.
I feel this guy is an opportunist because it feels like he swooped in. I don't necessarily think it's for money or anything - it just feels a little creepy. |
Anonymous
I don't believe so.. we have 3 children in the house and it's too soon for all that. She is free to live her life but when she involves them, they come first. |
Anonymous
You don't have to go as far as a PI. You can just pay for a background check. Do you have any of his details, like name, last known address, family members, etc. |
Anonymous
I have his name. He's pretty well known in the town, I believe. He's kinda a jack of all trades from what I remember. |
Anonymous
Yes, this. If there’s are concerns and nobody is local, it’s a good option. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but my dad would not have been welcome to bring a significant other to a family gathering less than a year after my mom died. I don’t think that the brother is in the right to ignore their mother, but it’s completely acceptable to say “I’m sorry, it’s too soon for me to be comfortable with this — but I’m glad you’re happy.” My mom died 10 years ago and last year, my dad started dating a woman whose husband died “only” 3 years before. Her son doesn’t approve at all and refuses to meet my dad. Sometimes people just can’t deal with that kind of change. |
Anonymous
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So why is it not ok for a woman who lost her spouse to date a few months after the death of that spouse but ok for a man to do so after he loses his wife? Men are notorious for dating very soon after losing a wife. This seems like a major double standard here unless there are some serious red flags and the facts that the woman owns a business and the man is retired doesn’t raise any.
Let the woman live and be happy. |
Anonymous
| A man who is happy to stay in a dead man's home with an obviously still grieving widow is a red flag to me. |
Anonymous
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This is awful. It was 7 months after her husband passed. You should be happy she is living her life. I WISH my mom would date. Confusing for the kids? How? Grandma has a boyfriend. If you don't want them to sleep in the same room until the get married, that is one thing. But jeez, she isn't a kid. You should all be ashamed. This is about your husband and his brother not moving on and still grieving. It's not fair to punish your MIL for wanting/trying to be happy again. Your husband needs counseling. And you don't need a PI.
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Anonymous
too soon for what? to meet a guy grandma is dating? how is that going to damage them, regardless of how it ends? |