Mother in law dating after losing husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She isn't my mother so I'm not overstepping and giving my two cents about most of this. I'm just letting some of the rawness defuse. I'm being nothing but nice to her.

About the swooping - my MIL's mother mentioned he has always had a crush on her and that my MIL has in the past called him "odd, weird". I am being 100% protective of her when I question how this relationship developed and why. She is a grown woman and I personally won't question her choices to her face.

My husband has made it no secret that he doesn't love this arrangement but it's her life and she can do what she wants. We aren't comfortable with a man we barely know coming and staying in our house.

"Family friend" is just an easy way to explain in a short paragraph but he's a handy man and did odd jobs around my in laws house for 20 years.

this seems to show that the man has actually liked your MIL for a long while and is not with her for the money - he truly likes her. after many many years she gave him a chance and it paid off. you all being so "protective" of an adult person seems like a cover for wanting her to suffer alone forever.

the whole "uncomfortable about man you don't know" is another totally ridiculous excuse, especially for visiting. it's your MIL's boyfriend. she should be allowed to bring him for a visit.

[Anonymous]

OP one last time. I recall my BIL going by the house to feed her cat and her BF was there when she wasn't and he didn't expect to see him. That was before she announced their relationship. I feel like there must be a feeling of confusion and anger when you stumble across it .. esp when it's still raw.

[Anonymous]

On its face, the dating so soon at that age isn't a red flag. But the not going to the mall/costco because of memories and old habits, is concerning. It seems like some unresolved grief, which can hamper a new relationship. I think the sons need to exhibit some grace and empathy at this time for their Mom. I know they lost their Dad, but she lost her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She isn't my mother so I'm not overstepping and giving my two cents about most of this. I'm just letting some of the rawness defuse. I'm being nothing but nice to her.

About the swooping - my MIL's mother mentioned he has always had a crush on her and that my MIL has in the past called him "odd, weird". I am being 100% protective of her when I question how this relationship developed and why. She is a grown woman and I personally won't question her choices to her face.

My husband has made it no secret that he doesn't love this arrangement but it's her life and she can do what she wants. We aren't comfortable with a man we barely know coming and staying in our house.

"Family friend" is just an easy way to explain in a short paragraph but he's a handy man and did odd jobs around my in laws house for 20 years.

this seems to show that the man has actually liked your MIL for a long while and is not with her for the money - he truly likes her. after many many years she gave him a chance and it paid off. you all being so "protective" of an adult person seems like a cover for wanting her to suffer alone forever.

the whole "uncomfortable about man you don't know" is another totally ridiculous excuse, especially for visiting. it's your MIL's boyfriend. she should be allowed to bring him for a visit.

We can only draw conclusions from our own experiences. She's an adult but she acts like she's been through a traumatic experience - which she has. Her behavior is not that of a person who is ready for a relationship. She goes to work, comes home, drinks. That's basically it. She has gone on vacation once to Pennsylvania.

And no, he won't come and stay in our house for a week. I'm firm on that. I wouldn't be comfortable for my brother bringing a new gf over for a week either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP one last time. I recall my BIL going by the house to feed her cat and her BF was there when she wasn't and he didn't expect to see him. That was before she announced their relationship. I feel like there must be a feeling of confusion and anger when you stumble across it .. esp when it's still raw.

that's fine... but then you think about it and get over it instead of double down. unless your MIL has demising capacity, there is no justification for treating her like a child. which is you and the rest of "concerned family" has been doing. it's really selfish and demeaning toward MIL.

[Anonymous]

OP here , I came to vent and get some advice but saying they're children isn't helping me. I'm only one person and it's greater than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She isn't my mother so I'm not overstepping and giving my two cents about most of this. I'm just letting some of the rawness defuse. I'm being nothing but nice to her.

About the swooping - my MIL's mother mentioned he has always had a crush on her and that my MIL has in the past called him "odd, weird". I am being 100% protective of her when I question how this relationship developed and why. She is a grown woman and I personally won't question her choices to her face.

My husband has made it no secret that he doesn't love this arrangement but it's her life and she can do what she wants. We aren't comfortable with a man we barely know coming and staying in our house.

"Family friend" is just an easy way to explain in a short paragraph but he's a handy man and did odd jobs around my in laws house for 20 years.

this seems to show that the man has actually liked your MIL for a long while and is not with her for the money - he truly likes her. after many many years she gave him a chance and it paid off. you all being so "protective" of an adult person seems like a cover for wanting her to suffer alone forever.

the whole "uncomfortable about man you don't know" is another totally ridiculous excuse, especially for visiting. it's your MIL's boyfriend. she should be allowed to bring him for a visit.

We can only draw conclusions from our own experiences. She's an adult but she acts like she's been through a traumatic experience - which she has. Her behavior is not that of a person who is ready for a relationship. She goes to work, comes home, drinks. That's basically it. She has gone on vacation once to Pennsylvania.

And no, he won't come and stay in our house for a week. I'm firm on that. I wouldn't be comfortable for my brother bringing a new gf over for a week either.

so what? how many vacations was she supposed to take according to your husband and his brother?

not sure how much of a problem drinking is, but going home after work is what a vast majority of adults do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. It was 7 months after her husband passed. You should be happy she is living her life. I WISH my mom would date. Confusing for the kids? How? Grandma has a boyfriend. If you don't want them to sleep in the same room until the get married, that is one thing. But jeez, she isn't a kid. You should all be ashamed. This is about your husband and his brother not moving on and still grieving. It's not fair to punish your MIL for wanting/trying to be happy again. Your husband needs counseling. And you don't need a PI.

This, it's not complicated. I recall driving home from a visit with my FIL less than a year after MIL died and 5 yr old DS said out of the blue that FIL should "find an old lady girlfriend" because he's probably lonely. He was right. Unfortunately, FIL was very shy and barely left the house after MIL died and then passed away himself a few years later. He would have been much happier with an "old lady girlfriend".

[Anonymous]

OP agree but before FIL passed she was involved in various organizations in town and went out with friends. She does nothing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So why is it not ok for a woman who lost her spouse to date a few months after the death of that spouse but ok for a man to do so after he loses his wife? Men are notorious for dating very soon after losing a wife. This seems like a major double standard here unless there are some serious red flags and the facts that the woman owns a business and the man is retired doesn’t raise any.

Let the woman live and be happy.

I don't think it is a double standard. I think most adult children are upset to see their widowed parent dating soon after the other parent dies regardless of whether it is mom or dad. My mom died and I remember thinking my parents were so in love that my dad would never date again. But 8 months later, he was dating. I was devastated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It's so difficult to get advice when no one knows the story, lol but I really want insight.

I feel this guy is an opportunist because it feels like he swooped in. I don't necessarily think it's for money or anything - it just feels a little creepy.

He may very well be that gold digger you are concerned about.

Speak frankly to the mother (be prepared to pay the price for doing so). It's her money to lose. If she is smart, she would be able to tell. If not, there is nothing else you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She isn't my mother so I'm not overstepping and giving my two cents about most of this. I'm just letting some of the rawness defuse. I'm being nothing but nice to her.

About the swooping - my MIL's mother mentioned he has always had a crush on her and that my MIL has in the past called him "odd, weird". I am being 100% protective of her when I question how this relationship developed and why. She is a grown woman and I personally won't question her choices to her face.

My husband has made it no secret that he doesn't love this arrangement but it's her life and she can do what she wants. We aren't comfortable with a man we barely know coming and staying in our house.

"Family friend" is just an easy way to explain in a short paragraph but he's a handy man and did odd jobs around my in laws house for 20 years.

This doesn't sound good. She is vulnerable and that weird dude takes advantage of it. The likelihood of him gold-digging is high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here , I came to vent and get some advice but saying they're children isn't helping me. I'm only one person and it's greater than me.

OP, your husband, brother and you sound like good people who's looking out for the mother and the entire family. What's a family for if we don't do that? Saying things like "she's an adult so nothing she does concern us" is a cop out in today's toxic society that encourages destructing families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She isn't my mother so I'm not overstepping and giving my two cents about most of this. I'm just letting some of the rawness defuse. I'm being nothing but nice to her.

About the swooping - my MIL's mother mentioned he has always had a crush on her and that my MIL has in the past called him "odd, weird". I am being 100% protective of her when I question how this relationship developed and why. She is a grown woman and I personally won't question her choices to her face.

My husband has made it no secret that he doesn't love this arrangement but it's her life and she can do what she wants. We aren't comfortable with a man we barely know coming and staying in our house.

"Family friend" is just an easy way to explain in a short paragraph but he's a handy man and did odd jobs around my in laws house for 20 years.

This doesn't sound good. She is vulnerable and that weird dude takes advantage of it. The likelihood of him gold-digging is high.

the likelihood of him being a gold digger is low given the previous history of him having a crush on MIL.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in your exact situation so I know where you are coming from. My FIL passed away 7 years ago, MIL started dating again within a year. My DH and his brother were very skeptical and protective at first, I think mostly because they never saw their mother with anyone but their father and were worried that their mom wouldn't make good decisions about the kind of men she was dating (not to mention the fact that she literally hasn't dated since the early 1970s and so much has changed). She really can't be alone, changes her personality and hobbies based on whatever guy she is dating, is relatively young and active, and just wants companionship. I could totally understand why DH and BIL were concerned in the beginning. But as the in-law, and a woman, I had a different perspective than DH. I would occasionally talk with my MIL about dating and based on those conversations, I felt like she was being smart about it (or I'd tell her if there was something she needed to be aware of or watch out for). I would try to reassure DH and help him see things from her perspective. I never thought he or BIL were being childish. I think it would be really hard to lose a parent and then watch your other parent start dating people again, even once you're an adult.

Fast forward several years and DH and his brother are much more comfortable about it. MIL has been with her current boyfriend almost 2 years and they seem to have a good relationship. They travel together, he has children and grandchildren of his own that they spend time with, and she seems happy. None of us are very close to MIL's boyfriend but everyone is friendly. We see him at holidays but he never comes to visit us when MIL does (which is a few times per year). Maybe your DH and BIL just need some time.