how to increase daughter's confidence

[Anonymous]

she is 6 and small for her age. school comes hard for her and she is on the lower end of average. She gravitates towards domineering personalities and we have quite a few in our neighborhood that tend to boss her around. She is terrible at standing up for herself. I really worry about her in the long run. She is not that athletic or artistic and everything is really difficult to her, including school.

We will obtain neuropsych testing in the next year to identify her strengths and weaknesses but in the meantime I worry about her. We have thought about holding her back but I believe I know that can sometimes affect them more negatively socially and she would be a victim of being teased.

any advice is appreciated

[Anonymous]

Find something she's good at, and protect that - don't tie it to behavior or school performance. Acting? Voice lessons?

Would she LIKE to get better at art or sports? Six is very young to give up on getting better at things - maybe she'd LIKE a ballet class or tumbling class.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mother worried for years that my best friend, who has a strong personality, was overpowering me. But we were best friends, and still are. If she has friends that are domineering, that's not a negative.

The way a child gains confidence is by doing things they like, and being good at it. Whatever she likes, encourage her to continue doing it.

[Anonymous]

We went through that OP, and still do at times. She had a bully at age 5 and would stress what to wear to school, or what toy to bring because she didn't want to make him mad. Once we broke through there, she's been 1000% better.

She's also into swimming and the Daisy scouts, which I think have both boosted her confidence (she's a natural swimmer). We also talk to her a ton about new situations, what to do if people do certain things, so this way she has a plan (which also seems to help her specifically). She also isn't very artistic, and athletic wise she loves to run and swim, but not really into organized sports.

I'm not sure a neuro eval is warranted just based on confidence. Many kids struggle to find where they fit.

[Anonymous]

Have you done any role playing with her regarding being pushed around? We did a LOT of role playing over the past couple years and it really helped my 6 year old. At first, he'd over react in an actual situation w/another kid even after role playing...I think it was just stage fright (e.g., "I SAID NO" at the TOP of his lungs). But now he's much calmer and able to state things clearly and not had any problems.

What opportunities have you given your daughter to explore art or physical activity? My son hates classes; playing games like tag and hide and seek; and group sports, but loves running, rock climbing, throwing, catching, swimming with his father, etc. We just had to find his thing for physical outlet by offering up many low stress times to try things out (e.g., we go to the rock gym the second it opens and it is basically empty). We do a lot of 'junk art' at home; so, art without any goal -- just random supplies and household items he can explore (e.g., toilet paper rolls, jar tops, wood scraps, etc.).

[Anonymous]

thank you for the good advice. I am definitely not opposed to domineering personalities but the domineering ones she gravitates to are not kind and definitely have some mean qualities to them.

we have tried other activities -swimming, acting, a little bit of acting. We talk about ways to respond all the time. I will keep exposing her to new things!

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs who have said acting or creative movement also Brownies/Daisies can really help foster friendships and teamwork. My DD is now 9 and is similar personality-wise, and was starting to get bullied. She was diagnosed as dyslexic at age 7-8, so school can be a struggle, and she has to work twice as hard as the other kids to get average grades. She was also weak at some team sports like soccer because she is so passive and dyslexics are also known to be a little uncoordinated (she was the kid who always missed the ball and would air kick instead of make contact with the ball). After some trial and error, she has grown to love acting in theater, singing, and scouting. She also enjoys dance, although isn't super coordinated. All tend to draw nicer, creative, accepting and civic-minded kids and parents. She has come out of her shell a lot, and the theater/performing, has been AMAZING for her self-confidence, and is a good outlet for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PPs who have said acting or creative movement also Brownies/Daisies can really help foster friendships and teamwork. My DD is now 9 and is similar personality-wise, and was starting to get bullied. She was diagnosed as dyslexic at age 7-8, so school can be a struggle, and she has to work twice as hard as the other kids to get average grades. She was also weak at some team sports like soccer because she is so passive and dyslexics are also known to be a little uncoordinated (she was the kid who always missed the ball and would air kick instead of make contact with the ball). After some trial and error, she has grown to love acting in theater, singing, and scouting. She also enjoys dance, although isn't super coordinated. All tend to draw nicer, creative, accepting and civic-minded kids and parents. She has come out of her shell a lot, and the theater/performing, has been AMAZING for her self-confidence, and is a good outlet for her.

NP here, and yes to all the above.

OP, Girl Scouts (Daisies at her grade level) could be a help if you get a good troop with adult leaders who are smart about knowing the girls' personalities. A good GS troop leader will give your DD some responsibilities so she learns she can handle them, and will take care to match her up for activities with girls who won't domineer. I strongly recommend you look into troops. It is not too late to join one -- you can join a troop at any time, not just the start of a school year. If your school doesn't have any troops or you're told the troops are full (leaders do have the ability to limit the numbers in their troops), you're not out of luck; ask a GS leader for contact information for the GS "service unit" leadership to help you find another troop elsewhere. If your DD does join Daisies, be sure to talk privately and in person with the leader to explain your DD's issues. I'm a longtime leader and know that GS can do a lot to help girls gain confidence.

If GS just doesnt' work for your DD, look around -- do you go to a church or synagogue? Is there a kids' group there where she could be with peers, do some service projects, have fun? Would she like a shorter-term class at a recreation center or parks department? If she's not into sports, would she be interested in a class outside school in art, or kids' sculpting, or a book club? You can start a book club yourself, or libraries have kids' book clubs around here. Just getting out and voicing her opinion about a book, or hearing "good job" about a drawing she did, from someone who is not mom or dad, could help boost her confidence.

[jjconcern]

Wow, I read through the replies that you received after sending out your post and you've received some great ideas. The only thing I might add is that she may be a late bloomer, i.e. she may become more coordinated and capable with time due to catching up in her development as she is only six. I am assuming she is in first grade. As a former school psychologist and therapist, I would agree with a psycho-educational evaluation in case there are any learning problems that need remediation. She might also benefit from being held back a year but not at the same school. Are you able to place her at a good Montessori charter school where there is more emphasis on social and sensory motor skills than academics at an early age as often seen in public schools. For sure I would be in close communication with her teacher to keep on eye on bullying within the group of girls that she is choosing to be with. In any event the suggestions that she develop competency in an area of interest apart from school will help her gain confidence. Also to have her take an active role at home in being responsible for some of the daily routines of your home such as helping plan meals and preparation, setting table, etc. anything that will make her feel more grown up and competent. It is so easy as a parent to want to protect a child who seems less capable but she will gain more self confidence by your teaching her and expecting her to be capable in your home environment. Of course, always with patience and encouragement from you. The more capable she feels at home the more capable she will feel in the world. My best to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was a late bloomer. At first she scored in the 40%s on standardized tests, and she was timid in social situations. She was bullied and cried a lot about social problems.

She asked to be involved in a huge variety of activities so she went through several- everything from ballet to soccer to wrestling to art to scouts. Somewhere along the way a talent for swimming emerged and around that time (third grade) her test scores shot way up into the 80s and 90s. Now she’s a popular, confident girl with high scores and athletic accomplishments. That may or may not happen for your daughter but what advice I can give you is to let her lead the way in terms of activities and be open to the idea that she’s not fully formed right now and the little girl you know could change rapidly.

[Anonymous]

Help her find something to be proud of and have a sense of accomplishment -swimming, riding a bike, dance, playing an instrument, gymnastics, drawing, making her own bed and helping you out around the house, gardening, taking care of pets.