8 year old boy - behavior - need help

[Anonymous]

I have a son that just turned 8. I am at a loss of what to do at the moment with respect to his behavior at home. I feel like I need professional help.

Since the beginning of August, it feels like I am interacting with a completely changed kid. He fights with my husband and I about everything. He is disrespectful to us - "I hate you", "I am not doing that", etc. He is horribly mean to his 6 year old sister. He purposely teases his 3 year old sister. He is making our family life absolutely miserable.

This morning he decided that I needed to walk him to the bus instead of his dad. Last year he did this by himself. This year we have to take our kindergartner to the bus so we walk him as well. He stood in front of the door trying to block me from getting out after arguing with me for 20 minutes about taking him to the bus. I had a school conference to go to so I couldn't walk him.

I spoke with his teacher. I know he gets easily annoyed by kids and doesn't know how to handle it. I do wonder if the school day is full of frustration. His teacher indicated that there is some of this going on. He has always loved school, done exceptionally well, had some friends - not a ton, been a bit of an introvert. This year, every day is "I hate school."

At this point, I am at a loss. Do I bring him to a therapist? Do I book my husband and I an appointment with a therapist? I could really use some parenting help. I have read Kazdin, and need to re-read it and start it up again. I know that works. But should I go in for a professional appointment? His pediatrician handed me a list of therapists. Nothing more than that. He said if he can hold it together at school, then clearly he is capable of holding it together at home. It was not super helpful since all I see is the anger, frustration at home.

We live in Northern Virginia (Lorton/West Springfield area). Any recommendations would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like family therapy might be a good place to start.

If it came on suddenly, it also makes me wonder if there was some sort of trauma that happened.

Can you ask a counselor at school to observe him through the day and report back? Can you go and observe his day?

[Anonymous]

Could be anxiety, which manifests in about a million different ways, including how you described. The fact that he holds it together at school is a positive and many parents say that they would prefer that than the opposite (terrible at school and good at home), but that doesn't make home life any easier. Many kids with anxiety do okay in school because of the structure and expectations, but they lose it at home when they can be completely themselves. Sounds like speaking to a therapist (either you/spouse and/or child) would be a good place to begin. I'm sorry because I deal with the same things and know it's hard on the whole family.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you and your husband need the therapy, parent training and guidance. Start with that.

I would be reluctant to take an 8 year old to therapy unless absolutely necessary. It could be that he is just growing up and you need better parenting skills to address this developmental change.

[Anonymous]

Are things really ok at school? Maybe he wants to have some more/better friends and things are hard? Maybe something happened?

My 8YO is often a pill at home, after being great at school. I think he feels safe enough at home to let it out after holding it together all day. This doesn't mean he gets to be rude to us or hurt siblings, though.

[Anonymous]

My first thought is anxiety. My son, now with a diagnosis, is very similar.

[Anonymous]

3rd grade? If so it can be much harder at school. Academics go up and friends start to mature and are less tolerant about everything. Some are downright mean (thanks, parents!).

In addition to the parent training and other things recommended above, I would urge you to spend time observing at school. Your post makes me wonder if something at school is triggering his unhappiness or anxiety which is spilling over to home.

There may be a bully bothering him or maybe a teacher who is negative, or maybe it's just that his old friends have grown apart from him and he doesn't know what to do. It could be the stress of academics. If he did really well earlier and was coasting by maybe it's adjusting the challenge.

What I see from your description is a child who wants to control things maybe because some things in his world are out of control.

[Anonymous]

I will respectfully disagree with the ped on one point: it's pretty common for kids to be able to hold it together at school, then lose it at home, or the reverse.

Some of the behaviors you've listed point to anxiety and/or attachment issues: the red flag is the controlling behavior. You might want to take a look at the work of Gordon Neufeld, especially his discussion of anxiety and "alpha" children. There are lots of his videos on YouTube. Essentially, Neufeld recommends that parents work to maintain calm and compassionate leadership in the family while being a safe container for their children's frustration and fear.

I would also wonder what's changed in your older child's experience of school. Third grade is a more challenging year academically for many kids. Are there new social dynamics on top of that? Is this the first year in which your older kid has to "share" school with his younger sib? (Think about how that might bring up issues around your family dynamics in general.)

Family therapy--or at least a consultation for the parents with a family therapist--might be a good route here.

[Anonymous]

He is second grade - oldest in his class. I would describe the academics in second grade as easy for him. I wish they were more challenging because that might actually help with his dislike of school - just so many worksheets.

I appreciate all of the feedback. I did request that his teacher talk to the guidance counselor. Is it appropriate for me to reach out the counselor or should I go through the teacher? I would really like to know what is going on in the classroom. He does not seem to be able to handle anything that is "annoying to him." People eating loud, chewing loud, kids being chatty in a way he doesn't like, a peer telling him how a game works where he thinks it is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is second grade - oldest in his class. I would describe the academics in second grade as easy for him. I wish they were more challenging because that might actually help with his dislike of school - just so many worksheets.

I appreciate all of the feedback. I did request that his teacher talk to the guidance counselor. Is it appropriate for me to reach out the counselor or should I go through the teacher? I would really like to know what is going on in the classroom. He does not seem to be able to handle anything that is "annoying to him." People eating loud, chewing loud, kids being chatty in a way he doesn't like, a peer telling him how a game works where he thinks it is different.

Read unstuck & on target. It's helpful to understand and address this kind of inflexibility. B/f a therapist, I would look into a social skills class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be anxiety, which manifests in about a million different ways, including how you described. The fact that he holds it together at school is a positive and many parents say that they would prefer that than the opposite (terrible at school and good at home), but that doesn't make home life any easier. Many kids with anxiety do okay in school because of the structure and expectations, but they lose it at home when they can be completely themselves. Sounds like speaking to a therapist (either you/spouse and/or child) would be a good place to begin. I'm sorry because I deal with the same things and know it's hard on the whole family.

+1 Sounds very similar to the onset of my DD's severe anxiety at age 8 as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is second grade - oldest in his class. I would describe the academics in second grade as easy for him. I wish they were more challenging because that might actually help with his dislike of school - just so many worksheets.

I appreciate all of the feedback. I did request that his teacher talk to the guidance counselor. Is it appropriate for me to reach out the counselor or should I go through the teacher? I would really like to know what is going on in the classroom. He does not seem to be able to handle anything that is "annoying to him." People eating loud, chewing loud, kids being chatty in a way he doesn't like, a peer telling him how a game works where he thinks it is different.

NP. He sounds very stressed, OP, and like he doesn't have the resources to handle the stress. I found working with a child psychologist in a similar situation extremely helpful.

[Anonymous]

Get started with a therapist, it can take months to start working.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a lot like my son with anxiety. Link up with a good therapist to meet with you and your husband and maybe eventually him.

[Anonymous]

Since you say he is a "completely changed kid" maybe check for PANDAS? (basically untreated strep can cause some rather significant negative behavior changes in kids).