Surviving Work During Difficult Personal Time

[Anonymous]

I am going through a difficult time in my personal life, and it has been challenging to focus at work. For those of you who went through a difficult personal time and couldn't really discuss it at work, what were your strategies for coping at work?

[Anonymous]

I went through this. The only advice I can give you is to power through.Write lots of lists. Divide your work into small manageable task. Treat yourself with nourishing food and snacks so that you have something to look forward to each day. Put a nice refreshing scent in your room like lavender. Get yourself some camomile tea. I suffered at work with post partum depression with both kids for the first four months or so I returned from work. I also come from one of the countries of the “Arab spring” and had to live through the nightmare of raids of my family members homes, arrests, torture of family members and having some put on trial. Each time was very difficult but I got through it. Is there someone you can talk to at work? And did you try cognitive behavioral therapy? I never did but apparently it is very practical and can teach you some coping mechanisms. You will get through this OP!

[Anonymous]

During my divorce, I made it a habit never to speak to my ex or my divorce lawyer during work hours. I was in therapy and I scheduled therapy for after work, rather than during my lunch hour as I'd been doing before the divorce negotiations started. Sometimes that meant that I had to take the afternoon off to meet with the lawyer. I did my best to completely wall off my personal life from my professional life because if I did not, I would have spent several months crying in my office and getting nothing done.

To focus on work, I made lists of to-dos for the day. Every day. I scheduled breaks for myself on my private calendar and set notifications to remind me to do stuff like "get a coffee with Sarah" or "take a walk around the block." Then between reminders, I did nothing but work. Didn't read the internet. Didn't read personal email. Just stuck to work.

[Anonymous]

Thank you both, these are such helpful recommendations. I am grateful.

[Anonymous]

I employed the motto "fake it til you make it" and tried to focus only on work while I was at work. I didn't socialize at the office and just kept my head down and got my work done. It actually felt empowering to have control over something in my life during that time and the distraction of work was usually welcome. There were some hard days where I gave myself 5-10 minutes to be sad or upset, and then I tried to refocus. For me, it was easier to allow myself to have those feelings rather than continuing to expend energy to push them down. I also had a few days where I literally felt I couldn't hold it together and I gave myself permission to call-in sick or take the afternoon off. I tried to take the long view (this too shall pass) and I just needed to be kind to myself and get through it as best I could.

[Anonymous]

I just ... cried. My sister's dog was very sick and dying. The dog and I were best friends. My brother in law actually said this to me when we hugged after they put her to sleep. "You were her best friend."

I just cried on and off right at my desk while I worked. Once I was waiting for the elevator and the head partner was waiting too. I asked how he was, he asked how I was, I said "fine thanks" complete with chin tremble and he gently said, "You don't SEEM fine." I told him a relative I was very close with was dying.

I don't know what he said to me all the way down to the lobby but he talked the whole time, and I felt better when we got out of the elevator.

[Anonymous]

Do you have help at home with the mundane? Get groceries, dry cleaning, and meals delivered. Schedule cleaning service if you can afford it. It will enable you to focus on taking care of yourself with good food, sleep, and whatever else you need to do to take care of yourself. Also, massages or good haircut/color help. If you feel like you look good, it will assist with your energy and self esteem. Hugs, OP during this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just ... cried. My sister's dog was very sick and dying. The dog and I were best friends. My brother in law actually said this to me when we hugged after they put her to sleep. "You were her best friend."

I just cried on and off right at my desk while I worked. Once I was waiting for the elevator and the head partner was waiting too. I asked how he was, he asked how I was, I said "fine thanks" complete with chin tremble and he gently said, "You don't SEEM fine." I told him a relative I was very close with was dying.

I don't know what he said to me all the way down to the lobby but he talked the whole time, and I felt better when we got out of the elevator.

OP must be going thru something worse than a dying dog.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a very serious health issue, and in 2013 it was just awful - 3 month hospital stays, single parenting nonstop, work promotion so I was in learning mode...just so so much on my plate at one time.

I just didn't give myself the outlet at all for awhile there, and I became a terrible, miserable person. Finally went to therapy and cried there, the most horrible ugly cry you've ever seen. But was able to get through my workday after that.

Not sure what you're going through, but it also helped me to confide in a few people at work that I trusted. I know that is super hard to do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During my divorce, I made it a habit never to speak to my ex or my divorce lawyer during work hours. I was in therapy and I scheduled therapy for after work, rather than during my lunch hour as I'd been doing before the divorce negotiations started. Sometimes that meant that I had to take the afternoon off to meet with the lawyer. I did my best to completely wall off my personal life from my professional life because if I did not, I would have spent several months crying in my office and getting nothing done.

To focus on work, I made lists of to-dos for the day. Every day. I scheduled breaks for myself on my private calendar and set notifications to remind me to do stuff like "get a coffee with Sarah" or "take a walk around the block." Then between reminders, I did nothing but work. Didn't read the internet. Didn't read personal email. Just stuck to work.

+1 to not engaging with the subject during work hours. I'm going through my divorce now and have set him and all associated with him to do not disturb. Not being notified helps a lot. I also eventually told my boss what was going on (not when we first separated but after we filed). We don't discuss it, but it helps that he is aware and doesn't question me about my personal life anymore.

[Anonymous]

I actually scheduled time after work to cry and feel sad. And then as I worked and felt like I would fall apart I just told myself I just had to wait a little longer before I could cry it out later.

[Anonymous]

I also confided to people at work. Not everyone - you'll know who would react in a helpful way and who would not - but having some people know what was going on was incredibly helpful.

I also agree with focusing on work - don't do email etc during the day.

Sending good thoughts OP!!

[Anonymous]

I changed my thinking and began to see work as a "break". Like, all I have to do here is answer email and write reports and drink coffee and smile at my coworkers. I can (must) leave the horribleness outside. What a relief.

[Anonymous]

I found work to be a relief and I made sure I had no free time to let my mind drift. A busy mind id a very good thing.

[Anonymous]

I took off as much time as possible to process the pain in private. Granted I was younger and single and could lock myself up, and this is normally how I cope - after a while I emerge feeling better. My productivity plummeted, but, amazingly, my boss and team didn't notice much of it. I did also go to therapy. A bad therapist made it worse. A good one really really helped, so don't think they are all the same.

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time, OP. I hope you can find some relief and joy, or at least a distraction, in your work.