DH hates me

[Anonymous]

DH hates me but stays because of the kids. Yesterday he told me he didn’t agree to some of the rules I implemented months/years ago (about tv and daily reading) so he doesn’t feel compelled to enforce them if I’m not around. This is directly against what our child’s therapist tells us in terms of the need for consistency. The day before DH was telling me how he envies his friend’s life and included “great wife” in the reasons. I had to work yesterday and when I asked about what the kids did all day he told me it’s none of my business. Clearly he can’t stand me but I don’t want to get divorced. I guess I hope he might change his mind and stop despising me. Am I deluding myself? I am spiraling into depression over this.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, that sucks. My H also does not agree on the importance of reading vs TV. So I have not made rules, I just limit TV time when I am in charge and he can do what he wants when he is in charge.

Maybe try just letting go? If your child needs consistency, then you could also adjust your rules so that they match your H's. Maybe just back off from him a bit, it sounds like he just doesn't like being controlled.

[Anonymous]

If they're not getting consistent parenting anyway and they're absorbing your husband's disdain for you, why are you staying for the kids? Look, I totally wold stay for the kids if it was a question of no passion or growing apart, but in the case of active hostility no way. Not good for anyone, esp kids. Sadly, they may end up absorbing your husband's disdain of you regardless but at least you can try to give them a stable and nurturing home half the time or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they're not getting consistent parenting anyway and they're absorbing your husband's disdain for you, why are you staying for the kids? Look, I totally wold stay for the kids if it was a question of no passion or growing apart, but in the case of active hostility no way. Not good for anyone, esp kids. Sadly, they may end up absorbing your husband's disdain of you regardless but at least you can try to give them a stable and nurturing home half the time or so.

Yes, this. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion. You can't convince an adult to do something they don't want to do. You can just control your own actions. Your husband isn't divorcing you because of the kids. Well, you are also choosing to stay with him. You want to follow some reading schedule and he doesn't. Well, you have a choice. You can either choose this hill to die on and get divorced, which ironically will result in your kids getting swaths of time with your DH who will do whatever he wants, including things you don't want. Or you can let it go and decide to focus on what you can do.

I think the thing is you are pretty screwed if you think you can control 100 percent of your kids' upbringing. If you divorce, he's gonna get visitation and you have that whole can of worms. Or you stay, and let him do whatever, and try to make him do more.

Honestly, I'd encourage him to go to happy hour or work out or something in the evenings. That way you can deal with the kids and he just shows up to bed.

I'd also just start living separate lives, not sleeping with him, etc. I'd just go through the paces and then say adios when the youngest turns 18.

[Anonymous]

The stable and nurturing times will happen in mom's house and in dad's house. It's not happening in the house you have now, and only you 2 know why not.
I hate my parents for staying together. Why did my mom stay when she was treated like crap?!
I also think you are too controlling or have been. You probably knew you shouldn't ask him what they did just because you were not there. You don't need to know everything. The kids were with their dad, nothing out of ordinary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH hates me but stays because of the kids. Yesterday he told me he didn’t agree to some of the rules I implemented months/years ago (about tv and daily reading) so he doesn’t feel compelled to enforce them if I’m not around. This is directly against what our child’s therapist tells us in terms of the need for consistency. The day before DH was telling me how he envies his friend’s life and included “great wife” in the reasons. I had to work yesterday and when I asked about what the kids did all day he told me it’s none of my business. Clearly he can’t stand me but I don’t want to get divorced. I guess I hope he might change his mind and stop despising me. Am I deluding myself? I am spiraling into depression over this.

I can't imagine why you'd want to stay?

[Anonymous]

Did you discuss these rules with him prior to laying them down for the children? If so and if he agreed, then he's being unreasonable. If not, then you have no complaint. You are not treating him as an equal in raising the children you created together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stable and nurturing times will happen in mom's house and in dad's house. It's not happening in the house you have now, and only you 2 know why not.
I hate my parents for staying together. Why did my mom stay when she was treated like crap?!
I also think you are too controlling or have been. You probably knew you shouldn't ask him what they did just because you were not there. You don't need to know everything. The kids were with their dad, nothing out of ordinary.

DP... ? what is wrong with a parent wanting to know what their kid did all day? It's not about control? It's about just wanting to be engaged in the child's life. When you are at work all day, come home late, do you not ask your child, "what did you do today?". And didn't OP say that the kid's therapist said the child needed consistency?

[Anonymous]

What condition does your child have Your DH saying all those hurtful things is certainly not ok, but it is hard to believe that this is all about TV and reading time? Is it really true that you control TV time and he follows your rules and is fed up with you not relaxing? Is this about control? Are you rigid and he is unable to relax when you are around? There must be more to this and TV time.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do YOU want to stay in this seemingly awful relationship?

[Anonymous]

Do you think any of this is related to the stress of having a child that is in therapy? I assume there is a reason your child is in therapy, and that whatever the issue your child has translates into issues at home as between all family members--including you and your husband. no judgment here. My son is also in therapy and the stress from my child's issues has severely damaged my marriage. Its often overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH hates me but stays because of the kids. Yesterday he told me he didn’t agree to some of the rules I implemented months/years ago (about tv and daily reading) so he doesn’t feel compelled to enforce them if I’m not around. This is directly against what our child’s therapist tells us in terms of the need for consistency. The day before DH was telling me how he envies his friend’s life and included “great wife” in the reasons. I had to work yesterday and when I asked about what the kids did all day he told me it’s none of my business. Clearly he can’t stand me but I don’t want to get divorced. I guess I hope he might change his mind and stop despising me. Am I deluding myself? I am spiraling into depression over this.

Marriage is not a dictatorship. It is a long term relationship with ups and downs. You can not dictate how you thinks things should be done. You have to work together to set rules. I bet your child’s therapist would agree. If you take a step back, I think you will see you dominate and bully your husband. This sounds like a classic case of an individual who feels powerless pushing back.

So instead of all the drama(oh he hates me, but I am the real victim), sit down and talk. Try to understand where the other person is coming from and ask how we should proceed. It’s about getting buy in and the other party feeling like they are part of the process. Do not bring in allies(the child’s therapist) unless you are willing to let your DH talk to the therapist by himself. This should apply to your marriage also.

[Anonymous]

I stayed in bad marriage because I didn't "want" to get divorced. When I finally bit the bullet I wished I'd done it far earlier. It doesn't solve all problems because you're forever tied via the kids. That said--you don't have a marriage anymore. You said he hates you. You're not coparenting effectively. Do you have a partner? Feel loved? Does he?

Believe me, your kids see all this. You are teaching them what a partner is and what a marriage is. Is your situation what you want them to learn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they're not getting consistent parenting anyway and they're absorbing your husband's disdain for you, why are you staying for the kids? Look, I totally wold stay for the kids if it was a question of no passion or growing apart, but in the case of active hostility no way. Not good for anyone, esp kids. Sadly, they may end up absorbing your husband's disdain of you regardless but at least you can try to give them a stable and nurturing home half the time or so.

THIS OP!!!

Do not stay in a situation like this. You're not helping a single person, especially not your kids.