How often do you criticize your spouse?

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to figure out if the constant barrage of complaints from my spouse is normal. How often do you criticize your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Never, because about 20 years ago when I realized that everything he said to me was critical (it wasn't always like that) I realized that he didn't like me anymore, and clearly it was tough for me to like him under the circumstances, so I left. Thankfully the kids were already raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to figure out if the constant barrage of complaints from my spouse is normal. How often do you criticize your spouse?

I think it is typical and common, whether it is normal/healthy... probably not.

[Anonymous]

Rarely, not worth it over little annoyances and he feels the same way.

[Anonymous]

Really not that often. It’s got to be a big deal for me to criticize—like something expensive is going to get damaged or something will hurt someone. I don’t see the point in criticizing like, the way he washes pots or puts the toilet paper on the roll.

[Anonymous]

Very very rarely.

[Anonymous]

Very rarely. To the point that I can't give an example of a time I was critical of him. DH is the same way.

DH and I are pretty laid back people and don't sweat the small things. So if one of us is being critical, it is over something that is a big deal to that person. And even then I don't really think we are critical. You can not like something someone does and raise the issue without being critical of them.

[Anonymous]

Very rarely. We kind of disagree on this. He believes that if you are upset about something, you should bring it up and don't let it fester. I believe that if something isn't a big deal, you should just let it go. This means that he does a lot more of pulling me over to show me how the peanut butter lid wasn't screwed on right, and I do a lot more blowing my top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very rarely. We kind of disagree on this. He believes that if you are upset about something, you should bring it up and don't let it fester. I believe that if something isn't a big deal, you should just let it go. This means that he does a lot more of pulling me over to show me how the peanut butter lid wasn't screwed on right, and I do a lot more blowing my top.

OP here. This is exactly our problem. Our marriage counselor told him to knock it off, we've been reading a book on how destructive criticism is to a marriage, and he still thinks there's no problem, he's "just talking". Funny thing is, if I complain about anything (which I rarely do), it's "why are you being such a b****??"

[Anonymous]

what do you mean by criticism?

I nag a little--honey, do you mind picking up your socks? It bothers me to have dirty socks on our dining room table (yes, he leaves them on the table and yes, its gross to me).

but in terms of "you're not doing things right' criticism, rarely to never. Less than he does of me.

There is one exception. He is often way to harsh and critical of my son and frequently yells at him, grabs stuff out of his hands and is basically really impatient with him. That's where I step in and I do criticize his way of handling things. It really angers him but it is so bad for the two of them. I have tried to get him to address this, family therapy, etc. My son complains to me that his dad is always critical and overbearing.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think we really criticize each other. We’re pretty much of the same mind about anything important and are very responsible and self-accountable. And we refuse to sweat the small stuff. Buying the wrong dishwasher pods isn’t reason to make the other person feel bad.

However, this was a huge issue in my first marriage and the result of dramatically different core values. My XH’s mental illness just made the matter worse, but we would have clashed even if he had been mentally healthy because we simply didn’t share any outlook on what was important or unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Rarely. But I don't think complaints have to be criticism. You can state them in "I" statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what do you mean by criticism?

I nag a little--honey, do you mind picking up your socks? It bothers me to have dirty socks on our dining room table (yes, he leaves them on the table and yes, its gross to me).

but in terms of "you're not doing things right' criticism, rarely to never. Less than he does of me.

There is one exception. He is often way to harsh and critical of my son and frequently yells at him, grabs stuff out of his hands and is basically really impatient with him. That's where I step in and I do criticize his way of handling things. It really angers him but it is so bad for the two of them. I have tried to get him to address this, family therapy, etc. My son complains to me that his dad is always critical and overbearing.

Is why this is all failing Unless he actually is just your son and in that case why did you marry a man when you didn't approve of how he interacts with your child?

[Anonymous]

Maybe once every two or three months? We’re both type A and also both kind of easy going.

[Anonymous]

Never because we aren't each others employers.

We both are laidback, but at the same time we also behave as adults, so there;s no need for one to tell the other to put dirty laundry or dishes away or wipe up spilled foods.

If we disagree on another's actions we both pause and see if it really matters and go from there. If it doesn't it gets dropped if it does we talk about it,