If you want to spend less on family for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Do you need to inform them?

Long story short, we’ve had a lot of unexpected expenses this past summer and our savings took a big hit. My parents recently retired and are completely on board to not do gifts, though we are doing a $10 Secret Santa. My ILs on the other hand have grown accustomed to lavish Christmas with expensive gifts. My MIL has been dating for years but recently married. We typically spend about $200 on her and $100 on her boyfriend, but now we’d like to get one together gift for them and spend around $100 total. I don’t even want to spend that, but $100 is all I’m willing to spend. She usually spend the same amount on us (around $150 each.)

Do we hint that we’d like to just drop gifts this year? Hint at a Secret Santa? Or just explain that we’d like to spend less?

[Anonymous]

We're in a similar boat (need to spend less at Christmas this year as we have an infant). We've just told both of our families we'd rather just get (more modest) gifts for the kids and do a smaller secret santa between the adults. Everyone is on board since our siblings on both sides are also looking to scale back on the Christmas madness and the adults don't need more "stuff".

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't 'hint' - they won't be able to read your mind and you'll get frustrated that they didn't pick up on what you were hoping to convey.

Since it's the ILs, I would have DH address it straight up,

"hey fam - we just can't continue to do the big spending we've done on the past for gifts. A lot of our friends move to a Secret Santa for the adults and hearing their stories, it sounds like a lot of fun. Can we start doing that instead? I can put names in a hat at Thanksgiving and we can all draw names.

[Anonymous]

Don't hint, just have an honest conversation. And don't say you'd like to scale back gifts, tell them you ARE scaling back gifts.

[Anonymous]

Same boat. Parents spend $500 on each of us and expect $500 spent on each of them. It's not in the budget. DH and I have trouble accepting these gifts from them and only giving them $50 gifts.

[Anonymous]

We just shelled out money to fix one kid's car. New tires, new brakes, water pump, groceries, a few hundred for other needs.

Then we got hit with their big $ 3300 head repair. I said Merry Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Have your DH talk to his parents. Have this conversation ASAP because some people shop early. Honestly, how much crap do people need?

[Anonymous]

Just have your husband tell them and you tell your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your DH talk to his parents. Have this conversation ASAP because some people shop early. Honestly, how much crap do people need?

And this is why the gifting never ends. DH would never be able to talk to his parents like that. And it's not something that can come from an inlaw. We just can't afford gifts for his parents! We've always kept the siblings gifts much lower, but parents are out of control.

[Anonymous]

I think it's easier to say that you don't want to do gifts than to say you'd like to do less expensive gifts. You can always just send less expensive gifts. It's not clear if your MIL would be offended if you spent less than she did.

Last year SIL told DH, "Why don't we just do gifts for the kids?" We know they were having some financial issues (but not all the details), and that seemed reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's easier to say that you don't want to do gifts than to say you'd like to do less expensive gifts. You can always just send less expensive gifts. It's not clear if your MIL would be offended if you spent less than she did.

Last year SIL told DH, "Why don't we just do gifts for the kids?" We know they were having some financial issues (but not all the details), and that seemed reasonable.

But what if both SIL and you don't have kids? I have 3 kids and no one else has any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's easier to say that you don't want to do gifts than to say you'd like to do less expensive gifts. You can always just send less expensive gifts. It's not clear if your MIL would be offended if you spent less than she did.

Last year SIL told DH, "Why don't we just do gifts for the kids?" We know they were having some financial issues (but not all the details), and that seemed reasonable.

But what if both SIL and you don't have kids? I have 3 kids and no one else has any.

Then just say, "Let's do a Secret Santa this year!" Or "Let's do no gifts!" Or "Let's just do a nice dinner together in lieu of gifts!"

If it were me, I would probably still buy gifts for the kids. But it's fine either way. The one thing you can't do in your situation is suggest they only buy gifts for your kids and that you give none.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it the thought that counts? I don't have a lot of money so I'm always searching for fun, imaginative gifts especially for people why already have everything they need.

[Anonymous]

Bite the bullet and cut the costs -- just be clear and forthright and non-negotiable.

Then, you may find that not worrying quite so much about the $$$, you enjoy the holidays more!!!

We *all* have too much stuff. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same boat. Parents spend $500 on each of us and expect $500 spent on each of them. It's not in the budget. DH and I have trouble accepting these gifts from them and only giving them $50 gifts.

Wow. I'm being nosy -- it sounds like they have they ability to buy whatever they'd like, so why do they expect others to buy them costly gifts?

Although gift-giving is one of the five languages of love, so not particularly unusual, I guess.