I'm Too Ugly To Date..

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend ( not me) who said this to me last night. We were talking about why she never want to date, and she said " I am too ugly to date. I already know I'm ugly." It hurt my soul. She is a cute, girl-next-door type with so much to offer. It really made me sad that she can't see how pretty she is. I want to help her but I don't know how. She spent the last year in a relationship, only to find out her boyfriend had a family. I know it crushed her. I know there isn't much I can do but I wanted to share this. I feel bad she sees herself in that way. It's unfortunate because she will make such a wonderful wife and mother.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's not talking about her external/aesthetic appearance, maybe she's talking about her inner-self.

You mentioned she was crushed by a failed relationship with a man who had a family, well maybe in saying "I'm too ugly to date" she's talking about her ugliness with regard to her mental and emotional well-being...that right now she's too fearful, too skeptical, too angry, etc. to enter into an interpersonal relationship.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? I've found women who feel that way in their early/mid 20s change their tune real quick when their 30s are just around the corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? I've found women who feel that way in their early/mid 20s change their tune real quick when their 30s are just around the corner.

She's 28 and I know she was talking about her appearance. She also claims shes fat and she isn't.

[Anonymous]

She may not be too ugly to date (and seriously, what does that even mean - there are tons of ugly people with boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses). However, her self-esteem is definitely too low for her to date! Priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may not be too ugly to date (and seriously, what does that even mean - there are tons of ugly people with boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses). However, her self-esteem is definitely too low for her to date! Priorities.

+1 That's how I used to feel. I felt really unattractive even though men have told me I wasn't, and I did get hit on. It was 100% a self esteem issue. When a man hit on me, I assumed it was just because they wanted to get in any woman's pants, not just me specifically. Well, that's probably true to some degree...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may not be too ugly to date (and seriously, what does that even mean - there are tons of ugly people with boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses). However, her self-esteem is definitely too low for her to date! Priorities.

+1 That's how I used to feel. I felt really unattractive even though men have told me I wasn't, and I did get hit on. It was 100% a self esteem issue. When a man hit on me, I assumed it was just because they wanted to get in any woman's pants, not just me specifically. Well, that's probably true to some degree...

PP here and I agree. I get hit on more, by higher-quality men, as a size eight in my thirties than I did as a size four in my twenties. 100% due to self-confidence and self-assurance.

[Anonymous]

Some people really ARE ugly. When you like someone, that makes them seem better-looking to you. I too, am very ugly. 40 and been on one date in my whole life. My picture ID for work was terrible - but I told myself "Well, I was very nervous that day, I wasn't prepared to have to take a picture, etc." They recently re-did the IDs and took new pictures. I got my hair blown out straight. I wore the shirt that makes my eyes look extra good. I did my makeup. And when the pictures came out and I saw mine, I literally physically recoiled in horror. At seeing myself. I have a dynamic personality - I'm funny and smart and super compassionate, a great friend, etc. But ... ugly.

It happens. It's nice that you feel bad, but if you want to be a good friend, the best thing you could do rather than saying "No you're not!" is to LISTEN. If you know of specific things she could easily do to make a difference, tell her. Acknowledge what she's saying rather than trot out platitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people really ARE ugly. When you like someone, that makes them seem better-looking to you. I too, am very ugly. 40 and been on one date in my whole life. My picture ID for work was terrible - but I told myself "Well, I was very nervous that day, I wasn't prepared to have to take a picture, etc." They recently re-did the IDs and took new pictures. I got my hair blown out straight. I wore the shirt that makes my eyes look extra good. I did my makeup. And when the pictures came out and I saw mine, I literally physically recoiled in horror. At seeing myself. I have a dynamic personality - I'm funny and smart and super compassionate, a great friend, etc. But ... ugly.

It happens. It's nice that you feel bad, but if you want to be a good friend, the best thing you could do rather than saying "No you're not!" is to LISTEN. If you know of specific things she could easily do to make a difference, tell her. Acknowledge what she's saying rather than trot out platitudes.

That is sad you see yourself in that light. Please seek therapy for your issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people really ARE ugly. When you like someone, that makes them seem better-looking to you. I too, am very ugly. 40 and been on one date in my whole life. My picture ID for work was terrible - but I told myself "Well, I was very nervous that day, I wasn't prepared to have to take a picture, etc." They recently re-did the IDs and took new pictures. I got my hair blown out straight. I wore the shirt that makes my eyes look extra good. I did my makeup. And when the pictures came out and I saw mine, I literally physically recoiled in horror. At seeing myself. I have a dynamic personality - I'm funny and smart and super compassionate, a great friend, etc. But ... ugly.

It happens. It's nice that you feel bad, but if you want to be a good friend, the best thing you could do rather than saying "No you're not!" is to LISTEN. If you know of specific things she could easily do to make a difference, tell her. Acknowledge what she's saying rather than trot out platitudes.

That is sad you see yourself in that light. Please seek therapy for your issues.

I don't need therapy. I have some really great qualities. Looks simply isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

Are you willing to date a guy who has an appearance equal to yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? I've found women who feel that way in their early/mid 20s change their tune real quick when their 30s are just around the corner.

She's 28 and I know she was talking about her appearance. She also claims shes fat and she isn't.

If she refuses to see that she is projecting in a way that diminishes her chances there isn't much you can do for her. If she accepts who she is, and is comfortable as she is, she will find herself much more attractive to others. Sometimes the wrong attitude or personality is the factor that keeps them out of the 'fun arena' of life. Even posture and body language can be off putting. That said she could also work on some things that would help her feel better about herself.

I know people that I didn't initially find all that attractive and even some that I didn't' find attractive at all but in time getting to know them found that my 'image' of them had changed while nothing about their outward appearance did.

[Anonymous]

Oops, forgot to add this.

Too many women miss the fact that men are very often more attracted to a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself. Total? No, but it can do a lot to cover over the little personal 'warts'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oops, forgot to add this.

Too many women miss the fact that men are very often more attracted to a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself. Total? No, but it can do a lot to cover over the little personal 'warts'.

This is when you see a pretty unattractive woman with a hot dude. I have seen this pairing a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend ( not me) who said this to me last night. We were talking about why she never want to date, and she said " I am too ugly to date. I already know I'm ugly." It hurt my soul. She is a cute, girl-next-door type with so much to offer. It really made me sad that she can't see how pretty she is. I want to help her but I don't know how. She spent the last year in a relationship, only to find out her boyfriend had a family. I know it crushed her. I know there isn't much I can do but I wanted to share this. I feel bad she sees herself in that way. It's unfortunate because she will make such a wonderful wife and mother.

I'm her older male equivalent. Supposedly CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) works, but it hasn't for me. It also didn't help that my exDW would say that I was ugly.