Need help evaluating significant job change that would require a move

[Anonymous]

I'm a Northern VA native but don't live in the area anymore due to the COL. I'm a professional woman in my early 30s who is married with a toddler and am 10 weeks pregnant. My current work environment is straight-up hostile as I am working in a very rural, very conservative area. It has gotten to the point where I honestly dread going to work most mornings when I used to LOVE going to work. I don't feel emotionally or sometimes even physically safe at work anymore. My husband has been strongly encouraging me to apply to other jobs and I had an offer that I turned down over the summer as it wasn't really in my favor but I feel like I don't know how much longer I can hang on in this job.

I'm facing extremely limited job opportunities in my field, my husband loves his job, and the thought of us both finding new jobs and a home and childcare is horribly daunting, especially while pregnant!

The best opportunity I've found is 1.5 hours away would require a move to a higher COL area. I may only be able to scrape by with a $7,000 pay raise which I doubt will fully cover the cost of moving and the higher COL. However, this new job would make me happier. I'm not seeing very many homes that we could realistically afford in that area and I'm just not sure how long I can handle a 1.5 hour commute each way while pregnant.

I'm simply not sure what to do! I've been researching the COL and the cost of childcare and it's not looking great.

Advice? Ideas?

[Anonymous]

What field? Can you work from home?

[Anonymous]

social work. No, I can't work from home at least not where I'm at in my field. I'm feeling pretty anxious about it but I think I've actually made a decision: I need to accept the job if it's a good offer. Staying in my current position is not healthy or realistic option at this point and I'm rapidly burning out due to the lack of support and hostile environment. I'm just going to bite the bullet and accept the job as it would be a terrific opportunity and I would be much happier. I'll get with a realtor and begin prepping for a move in the next year, checking out neighborhoods and learning about schools. I've thoroughly explored all local options and they aren't viable so this is where I'm at. Ultimately, it'll probably be a rough year or two moving while pregnant or with a newborn but I'm a great planner, organizer, and will use that burst of nesting energy in a positive way! I'm a somewhat experienced Mom so I know exactly what I need in a home and how I want to organize it.

I've got this. I just need to chill out, stop researching neurotically and go enjoy the afternoon with my family.

[Anonymous]

Consider renting in your new area. Give yourself time to learn about neighborhoods and schools without committing to a purchase until you are really ready to settle down.

[Anonymous]

That's probably what we'll have to do! Fortunately, I know a Mom in the area who I reached out to. She gave me a whole list of daycares...I've reached out to every last one and it sounds like there ARE some openings for next summer which is great. They are literally more than TWICE as much expensive and one place that does look excellent is quite literally about $1,000 less than my CURRENT salary. Granted, these all look like wonderful programs but good gosh, they aren't really where the salaries are out here. I plan to visit these though once I actually GET the offer and accept...no point in going right now.

I may need to search for some more affordable options or have my older child go to the Montessori school we found within 5 minutes from my DH's work to save some money. I just need to survive 2 years of full-time childcare for 2 kiddos. Depending on how challenging the commute is, we may need to stay an extra year to save money.

I should hear back in one week but one of my references already got a call today so it's looking promising! I've got to figure out how much to try and negotiate for. The entry level pay is already 10% more than my current pay (which includes current over-time). I'm thinking that to cover the higher COL and maintain my lifestyle, I should probably ask for an additional $5,000 and see how much I can negotiate for. This is a really wealthy county so I know they've got the money to pay well!

I also want to try and negotiate for more maternity leave (unpaid). I know it's not realistic to ask for extra paid maternity leave considering they offer no paid maternity leave that I am aware of but I'll even take some unpaid if it means a little more time at home with my little one. I'd like the full 12 weeks and I have STD to help with it.

Those are the two big things I'm looking to negotiate. Now to research my tactic to prep for negotiation if offered the position!

[Anonymous]

I think you are crazy to even consider this. Think about whether it is pregnancy hormones.

[Anonymous]

So when you move, your dh will have a long commute?

[Anonymous]

you dont feel physicially safe? geez life is too short. but in all seriousness, consider documenting issues in your email/notes to yourself if there's anything that rises to the level of EEOC/OSHA violations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are crazy to even consider this. Think about whether it is pregnancy hormones.

+1. OP, I'm not following here. You mentiomed your DH loves his job, you live in a lower COL area, why would you move? Do you make more than your husband? Are there no other opportunities around in your current city?

With two little kids, you would consider a 3 hour commute? That is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are crazy to even consider this. Think about whether it is pregnancy hormones.

+1. OP, I'm not following here. You mentiomed your DH loves his job, you live in a lower COL area, why would you move? Do you make more than your husband? Are there no other opportunities around in your current city?

With two little kids, you would consider a 3 hour commute? That is crazy.

Agree. Going from 1 to 2 kids totally changed my perspective on working. I still work FT but in a much more family friendly industry. Can you change careers or pivot to something else? Why uproot your whole family because of this job?

[Anonymous]

1.5 hour commute while pregnant sounds dreadful, OP. But if you are in danger at your job, you must leave. Take the new job and find a suitable rental, good daycare for your toddler, and let your DH do the long commute. You need to worry about your unborn baby. The long commute will exhaust you, and you still have to take care of your toddler.

Moving is exhausting too, so try to do it as slowly as you can, and get as much help as you can. I moved just after giving birth, and looking back can see that was a very bad idea!!

[Anonymous]

I would never consider a 1.5 hour commute. Ever. Not even without kids.

I have two kids. Managing work with one child gets pretty manageable. Once the second kid comes along, it is a whole new ballgame.

There was a book I read when I was pregnant with my second. She basically said she had the whole working mom thing figured out...until she had her second kid.

I worked full-time in a toxic job until my second child was 2 years and 2 months old. And I ended up quitting. I have been happier ever since (last year). I still work part-time for myself but not full-time. I turned down an awesome full time job recently because the commute could be an hour to an hour and a half, depending on traffic. It was a great opportunity. But I would have been miserable, and I don't regret it.

I don't think switching jobs now is the answer.

[Anonymous]

I only applied to the job under pressure from my husband. He applied to a job that would have provided him with a huge pay raise and great benefits and he got an interview but didn't get the job. He loves his job currently but he gets very few benefits: 11 paid days off a year and they are a little flexible if he has to take unpaid leave and stay home with our child.

I currently earn slightly less but with my great benefits, it is MUCH more. We will lose our healthcare if I don't work full-time and we simply cannot live on his income alone, unless we sell our pleasant but fairly modest townhome and downgrade into an older, more affordable townhome in a neighborhood that isn't as pleasant.

I've seriously looked and applied to local jobs and while they offered them to me, I would have taken a pay cut and also a cut on my benefits including a huge loss on my paid time off. I enjoy the area in my field and that's what I've become an expert at the past four years. There may be a few other jobs I could apply for in my area that aren't available right now but there really aren't many options. I've looked into moving up to DC or moving to a "nearby" larger city and I don't see any options for professional growth here for me. My husband has options but where he's at in his career, he's not able to move up. He needs to get licensed and has a lot of hoops to jump through....he's also not very motivated to change jobs or increase his pay as he's content just having a mediocre pay with crappy benefits. I'm quite literally stuck in my job.

I may be responding more emotionally to the issues at hand in my office but the issues are significant. I've spoken with other professionals who are alarmed at what is going on. There's serious racial discrimination and discrimination against women. My supervisor is black and has confronted our boss about the racial discrimination he and other POC have faced through the years and he was told that there is no discrimination. I've heard horrible comments and when I even shared a relevant academic article about white privilege with a co-worker who I thought would be interested (I'm white and she's white), I was reprimanded and told to not share anything that most even possibly offend anyone while the woman who received the article screamed at me, left work, and was treated like she had been SO hurt. I'm considered a radical, an extremist for being a pacifist and advocating for social justice (one of the foundations of my field). It's radical to love learning and to strive for best practices. It's radical and "frankly offensive" to suggest that a multi-cultural or diversity training is critical to appropriately serving the community when most other local agencies have tons of multicultural trainings...it's unacceptable in my agency because "nothing wrong going on here". I was punished for doing my job and sharing what my supervisor asked me to share during a meeting with community stakeholders....my punishment is that because the local law enforcement didn't like what I shared (as I was directed by my agency to share), they refuse to work with me and therefore are leaving me hanging in possibly dangerous situations and impacting my ability to even do my job. Then I get dirty looks around the office and since I spoke up about the racial injustice and reminded my boss that I've experienced harassment when I was a pumping/breastfeeding mom with constant comments....he's begun taking away my job responsibilities and piling on 'extra' work. This has become hostile and I would like to address it and have a plan to do so but I'm nervous about staying and basically being the whistle-blower. I would prefer to be out of this agency before I call them on their crap. My supervisor just thinks it will all blow over but this level of hostility and utter ignorance goes against everything I believe in and I ethically and morally cannot just 'let it go'. I hate to have to leave while I'm pregnant as I've been here long enough that I accrue great leave, I have great healthcare, and my commute is long (45 min) but pretty and mostly pleasant and I will get my 12 weeks unpaid leave. I was going to try and stick it out for the year at least, take my leave, and apply for jobs while on leave but my family pushed me into applying and frankly the job sounds great.

[Anonymous]

Unless you're doing physical labor there is no physical danger to you at work. You sound like a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

OP. You need to relax. Seriously. You sound crazy.