Anyone have chemistry develop later?

[Anonymous]

Hi there. I've been divorced for four years after nine-year relationship and have been re-navigating dating waters mostly via OKCupid. A large part of our divorce was from my realizing that my ex and I were terrific friends but I was not sexually attracted to him (there were definitely other major factors, but this was one).

I've only had one post-divorce relationship so far. Had explosive amazing chemistry but not much else I appreciated about the guy (ended amicably, and I was happy for the chance to discover I'm still totally capable of enjoying these connections). I've just started seeing someone who I enjoy a lot, and we spent a few dates together before our first kiss. No fireworks on my end, but I still look forward to seeing him again. I'm chilling out and seeing where things go, but am wondering if sparks ever happen later for folks down the line. Anyone have experiences to share?

I find online dating so tough because there's no way to predict physical attraction - it's been a great tool for making friends so far. I sometimes have terrific chemistry with people I should never, ever date, though, so I'm seeking a balance. Don't want to end up in another long term platonic relationship with a best friend.

Thanks

[Anonymous]

It is the million dollar question. I think people will tell you it won't but I think it can. I also think explosive chemistry doesn't make for great relationships. I'm currently seeing someone I had no chemistry with but he was amazing on every other level. Once we started hooking up, the chemistry came but it wasn't the blow you over kind. I am not sure what this means for the future but I get your question especially on the context of online dating where one is so quick To use the first two dates to make decisions.

[Anonymous]

With my marriage, no, the "chemistry" never developed. I loved him, and we were fine (fine-ish). But I never did crave him like that. Like the friendship was there, the sex was fine, but that crazy intense lust? No. It was a good relationship for the most part.

One earlier relationship we were friends, and the chemistry developed before we started dating. Then we started dating, and we dated for about 2 years.

My current relationship, again, it took a few months for the chemistry to to really develop (and for me to realize what was going on) of seeing him intermittently (Intermittent but not brief contact: a consultant at my office) until I realized, Yowza, I totally am in lust! After the project was over - I confessed and so did he.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

I met my spouse online. No chemistry on first date. He wasn't bad, but just wasn't much chemistry. I thought we would not go out again. He asked for second date. On second date no chemistry. I told him I'm more interested in him as a friend. He got upset. Somehow convinced me into third date. I haven't dated another man besides him since I'm so happy he had the vision to see we were meant to be more than friends. Sometimes it takes a few dates to get the chemistry going.

[Anonymous]

OP here- Thanks so much for lovely responses! Wish you all all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my marriage, no, the "chemistry" never developed. I loved him, and we were fine (fine-ish). But I never did crave him like that. Like the friendship was there, the sex was fine, but that crazy intense lust? No. It was a good relationship for the most part.

One earlier relationship we were friends, and the chemistry developed before we started dating. Then we started dating, and we dated for about 2 years.

My current relationship, again, it took a few months for the chemistry to to really develop (and for me to realize what was going on) of seeing him intermittently (Intermittent but not brief contact: a consultant at my office) until I realized, Yowza, I totally am in lust! After the project was over - I confessed and so did he.

Why did you divorce if your relationship was generally good?

[Anonymous]

Over time, chemistry usually goes the other direction.
This is doubly true for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over time, chemistry usually goes the other direction.
This is doubly true for women.

+1. I think women convince themselves there us chemistry because they don't want to be alone and the guy is nice enough/good company.

Maybe that works for some people, but I suspect a lot of women who day they have no or low libido just really don't have chemistry with their husbands. I'm not sure that is fair. It's like out of a desire not to be alone, the person decides it is okay to sacrifice sex. The problem is that they are also sacrificing the sex life of their partner.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Sparks, like the air around us was electrically charged. That's hi we felt when we first kissed and had sex. Not experienced it with other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over time, chemistry usually goes the other direction.
This is doubly true for women.

What do you mean by this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Sparks, like the air around us was electrically charged. That's hi we felt when we first kissed and had sex. Not experienced it with other men.

But are you saying that you waited awhile to kiss, and until then had no chemistry with him? Or are you just not answering the question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over time, chemistry usually goes the other direction.
This is doubly true for women.

What do you mean by this?

Not the PP, but I assume he means that women lose interest more quickly and more thoroughly than men do. Women are more fickle about long-term love interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over time, chemistry usually goes the other direction.
This is doubly true for women.

What do you mean by this?

Not the PP, but I assume he means that women lose interest more quickly and more thoroughly than men do. Women are more fickle about long-term love interests.

Yes, this. It's generally a combination of testosterone which men have much more of. And also spontaneous vs. responsive desire, which men have far more of the former and women the latter.

So its not really that men maintain intense chemistry with their wives and women lose it. Just that men maintain intense interest in sex and their wives are their only approved outlet. In short, men will want to have sex with everyone, including their wives.

[Anonymous]

One follow up from OP - fireworks can definitely happen later (at least in my case). Really enjoying the guy more and more as we get to know one another, and realizing chemistry can develop based on liking the person more as you get to know them. Woo hoo! Good luck to all in similar boats