My husband jus found out he may have a sister

[Anonymous]

My FIL died more than 2 years ago. DH got a call at work from a 3rd party trying to help someone locate their father. I never heard about this but apparently FIL almost flunked out of his elite new England college and spent a semester or a year elsewhere and it may have happened during that time (sister would be 10 years older than him, about 53). His parents were divorced and he has a brother who is likely undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. DH just called his mom and she thinks this could be true. Obviously we would do DNA tests if we get in contact but DH is Just shocked and kind of frozen. Trying to figure out how to support him (we have 2 small kids and don't want to talk about this in front of him).

[Anonymous]

Lol, what's the big deal? I'm sure I have dozens of half siblings up and down the east coast because of my father's propensities. Still, they are strangers. I would want to keep it that way. If your DH wants to embrace the other half it's up to him. You support his decision whatever it is. DNA is not an invitation to the dining table every thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Yay! Sisters are awesome!

[Anonymous]

Surprise and shock are normal reactions followed by why? Once I got over the surprise ans shock I'd want to know the truth. I'm sure I'd want to meet my half sister but beyond that who knows?

[Anonymous]

You support him in whatever he wants to save, financial decisions and introducing her to the kids until there's a relationship established and you now she's not a psycho.

[Anonymous]

My FIL died more than 2 years ago. DH got a call at work from a 3rd party trying to help someone locate their father. I never heard about this but apparently FIL almost flunked out of his elite new England college and spent a semester or a year elsewhere and it may have happened during that time (sister would be 10 years older than him, about 53). His parents were divorced and he has a brother who is likely undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. DH just called his mom and she thinks this could be true. Obviously we would do DNA tests if we get in contact but DH is Just shocked and kind of frozen. Trying to figure out how to support him (we have 2 small kids and don't want to talk about this in front of him).

I'm trying to figure out how his brother having an undiagnosed ASD fits into all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My FIL died more than 2 years ago. DH got a call at work from a 3rd party trying to help someone locate their father. I never heard about this but apparently FIL almost flunked out of his elite new England college and spent a semester or a year elsewhere and it may have happened during that time (sister would be 10 years older than him, about 53). His parents were divorced and he has a brother who is likely undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. DH just called his mom and she thinks this could be true. Obviously we would do DNA tests if we get in contact but DH is Just shocked and kind of frozen. Trying to figure out how to support him (we have 2 small kids and don't want to talk about this in front of him).

I'm trying to figure out how his brother having an undiagnosed ASD fits into all this.

They have small kids. She's probably wondering if it's also further in the family than just the brother.

Did FIL know he had a child? Unanswered questions= bummer.

[Anonymous]

It is a shock when these things come to light. My own dad had a woman show up on his doorstep claiming to be his half-sister. A cousin learned of a half-sister in her teens.

My opinion - having never been through it myself, only through extended family - reach out and talk to her. FIL may not have ever known that there was a child. Some of the meetings I've known of have turned into good relationships and fascinating insights into the lives of long-gone family members. Others have resulted in a brief meeting and then everyone going their own way, never to speak again. But I've never heard of one having really bad results, where the people wish they'd never known.

Just keep in mind that FIL didn't even know MIL at this time, and may not ever have known about the baby. How many of us have slept with sometime, then gone on about our lives? The fact that he had a baby it isn't any sort of betrayal of the core family. It's almost irrelevant to FIL's later life, marriage and family (if he truly didn't know about it). Try to think of FIL as human, not just "a dad".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My FIL died more than 2 years ago. DH got a call at work from a 3rd party trying to help someone locate their father. I never heard about this but apparently FIL almost flunked out of his elite new England college and spent a semester or a year elsewhere and it may have happened during that time (sister would be 10 years older than him, about 53). His parents were divorced and he has a brother who is likely undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. DH just called his mom and she thinks this could be true. Obviously we would do DNA tests if we get in contact but DH is Just shocked and kind of frozen. Trying to figure out how to support him (we have 2 small kids and don't want to talk about this in front of him).

I'm trying to figure out how his brother having an undiagnosed ASD fits into all this.

They have small kids. She's probably wondering if it's also further in the family than just the brother.

Did FIL know he had a child? Unanswered questions= bummer.

Or ... he has a difficult relationship with his brother, and thinks this may be a chance at a better sibling relationship. (No judgement - I adopted DH's sisters after struggling with my own.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My FIL died more than 2 years ago. DH got a call at work from a 3rd party trying to help someone locate their father. I never heard about this but apparently FIL almost flunked out of his elite new England college and spent a semester or a year elsewhere and it may have happened during that time (sister would be 10 years older than him, about 53). His parents were divorced and he has a brother who is likely undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. DH just called his mom and she thinks this could be true. Obviously we would do DNA tests if we get in contact but DH is Just shocked and kind of frozen. Trying to figure out how to support him (we have 2 small kids and don't want to talk about this in front of him).

I'm trying to figure out how his brother having an undiagnosed ASD fits into all this.

No kidding. That’s like the tests in grade school where you identify the sentence that doesn’t belong with the topic.

[Anonymous]

OP here the ASD comment was just because he doesn't really have anyone else in his family he can relate to or talk about this with. We love his brother but based on his level of functioning he couldn't handle this until we know more info (their mom supports him financially otherwise he would not be a functioning adult). He talked to my MIL (she divorced FIL in the 80s) and she thinks it may be true based on conversations she had with him when they started dating. DH has pretty severe deoesssion and anxiety and he has accused me of making him feel awful when all I have been able to do so far is try to take it in and ask a few questions. He also said "this is the worst day of my life" which I don't understand at all. Our older child also started K today..

[Anonymous]

He has a lot of questions he will never be able to get answers to, since his father is gone. I can see how this news could be unsettling to him. Take it slow, establish boundaries if you do begin a relationship-- especially financial boundaries.

[Anonymous]

My husband learned of a half sibling in his late 20's. It was crazy and kind of Jerry Springer Show feeling, by after the initial shock wore off it wasn't a big deal. One sibling keeps in decent contact with the 'new' sibling, the rest don't. Be prepared for the sibling to be mainly interested in genetics and not all that interested in a close relationship - that's what happened in our case

So far our kids are unaware of this half sibling. We're not in touch so it doesn't seem like they need to know (yet)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here the ASD comment was just because he doesn't really have anyone else in his family he can relate to or talk about this with. We love his brother but based on his level of functioning he couldn't handle this until we know more info (their mom supports him financially otherwise he would not be a functioning adult). He talked to my MIL (she divorced FIL in the 80s) and she thinks it may be true based on conversations she had with him when they started dating. DH has pretty severe deoesssion and anxiety and he has accused me of making him feel awful when all I have been able to do so far is try to take it in and ask a few questions. He also said "this is the worst day of my life" which I don't understand at all. Our older child also started K today..

Your husband needs professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here the ASD comment was just because he doesn't really have anyone else in his family he can relate to or talk about this with. We love his brother but based on his level of functioning he couldn't handle this until we know more info (their mom supports him financially otherwise he would not be a functioning adult). He talked to my MIL (she divorced FIL in the 80s) and she thinks it may be true based on conversations she had with him when they started dating. DH has pretty severe deoesssion and anxiety and he has accused me of making him feel awful when all I have been able to do so far is try to take it in and ask a few questions. He also said "this is the worst day of my life" which I don't understand at all. Our older child also started K today..

Your husband needs professional help.

I actually agree with this. My DH also has depression and anxiety and this is the sort of thing he would say in a similar situation. He's in therapy once a week plus meds, and it's really, really helping. Good luck, OP.