Aggressive behavior

[Anonymous]

My middle son is 4. He is globally delayed and completely nonverbal. While at preschool, he is a total charmer. Sweet, happy, always smiling... EVERYONE in the building (and even the bus drivers) 100% adore him. At home, he can get aggressive with DH and me. It usually centers around transitioning (to the bus, table, bed, etc). He tends to grab our face and dig in his nails. More worrisome to us, though, is that when he gets frustrated by something, he seeks out his 1 year old brother and grabs his face. This truly infuriates me. I have tried moving him to time out, scooping up his brother and taking him somewhere else, sternly telling him no, etc. I am having trouble staying calm around him when he does this, and I am also finding myself not feeling as loving towards him. He's quiet and normally chooses to play alone unless I actively engage him. My other boys seek me out and constantly demand attention. After they are all in bed and I have time to reflect on the day, I always feel guilty that I didn't give him more of myself. He started preschool 2 weeks after his brother was born... and all he knew until then was my undivided attention all day, every day while my oldest was in school. I get that it's hard to have someone to have to share my attention, I get that he is frustrated not being able to tell me how he's feeling, not being able to tell his younger brother to give him space, share a toy, etc. And I know it's got to be hard to see his little brother surpass him with motor skills and hearing him talk nonstop when he, himself, can't say anything. I try to give him praise when he's being nice to his brother and transitioning without a fuss, but not loosing my patience with him when he's being aggressive is HARD. He does have an AAC device and uses some signs, but he's not consistently using the device yet enough to really express himself. Does anyone have advice on this?

[Anonymous]

My heart aches for you and your son. I hope the wise parents here can help you find the help you desperately need. Thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain and am in a similar situation. I'm not sure what help you have or what your resources are, but I'm wondering if you could get some ABA therapy for your son in the afternoons to keep him engaged...or at least hire a mother's helper to help with your youngest so that you can engage more with your middle one. Thinking of you and hoping things improve - you are doing all the right things by praising good behavior and letting him know that the bad behavior is not acceptable - perhaps even if his expressive language is not there, his receptive language allows him to understand a simple no. Also, when I feel myself losing my temper with my son with moderate ASD who also can be aggressive to me or his sister at times, I remind myself how it's not his fault and he's trying to express himself in the only way he can.

[Anonymous]

Okay, let's look at this situation as a whole. Your 4 year old -- and 4 is an extremely difficult age -- behaves beautifully in school. He keeps it together there. Once he gets home, he does have some behavior issues, including problems with his one year old brother.

Your post is titled "Aggressive behavior" which in my opinion is way misleading and way too strong. You have a four year old who is acting up sometimes at home and by your admission you get infuriated -- infuriated! -- when he grabs his younger brother. This is such normal sibling behavior that it's hard to understand your reaction. Yes, you don't want him grabbing the baby but fury on your part is pretty toxic and does nothing to help him.

It actually sounds like age appropriate misbehavior, and I'm not saying it's great behavior, I'm saying wow, your kid is behaving (misbehaving) appropriately for age 4. And that's great for a kid who is globally delayed and completely nonverbal. I also have a kid like that, and when she misbehaves in a way that is age appropriate, we kind of celebrate in our house. Yes I know, we reprimand her too, and all that, but DH and I often grab each other in the kitchen and jump up and down and have a moment of celebration where we screech at each other (She lied! She tried to be sarcastic!).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your expectations of him can't be any higher than a normal kid, and it seems like they are.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's frustrated at home and possibly seeking out negative attention. I'd check in with a parenting specialist to implement some positive strategies.

Also do what you can to reduce household stress in the short term to get past the phase. Mother's helper, videos while making dinner, getting your DH to share more work.

[Anonymous]

One thing that worked for us was introducing predictability and structure. We wrote our schedule ( down to the smallest of details) on a dry erase board each day. As we completed something, we drew a line through it. If we had to DD iate, before we actually did the deviation, we changed the board. It worked really well. And, I know it's hard when you have a baby. I had one when we went through this but we still managed to follow through. If there was some aggression, we removed my son to sit on the closest step to calm down. He decided how much time he needed - we had no set period.

We saw an too I left difference really quickly and the aggression stopped within a few months and then we weaned off the dry erase board.

[Anonymous]

OP -- the good news is that he is capable of good behavior at school. That is truly wonderful. This tells me that he is perhaps overwhelmed by the time he gets home and ready for a release... how can he release the day's stress in a safe or constructive way? A trampoline? A quiet room? Alone time? What would help him unwind?

He is perhaps also confused about the expectations at home... the PP who noted that you need to have a big white board or chalkboard with his schedule with pictures if needed could help.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that worked for us was introducing predictability and structure. We wrote our schedule ( down to the smallest of details) on a dry erase board each day. As we completed something, we drew a line through it. If we had to DD iate, before we actually did the deviation, we changed the board. It worked really well. And, I know it's hard when you have a baby. I had one when we went through this but we still managed to follow through. If there was some aggression, we removed my son to sit on the closest step to calm down. He decided how much time he needed - we had no set period.

We saw an too I left difference really quickly and the aggression stopped within a few months and then we weaned off the dry erase board.

We used clip art to create a visual schedule, printed it out, and put it inside a plastic sleeve so we can mark steps off using a dry erase marker.

[Anonymous]

OP- it sounds like your son has figured out what sets you off and has led to some impulsive acting out in this area. He can tell that he is going to instantly have your attention (albeit negative) if he grabs his brother.

I'm not saying that he is doing this solely *for* attention, although that's part of it, I think he's genuinely frustrated and letting you know by acting out toward his brother.

We went through something similar in our house between ages 3-5 -- my son would be frustrated with transitions or expectations, become angry, and let me know that he's angry by doing something he *knows* I find completely unacceptable and that will garner him my instant undivided attention on the matter.

[Anonymous]

I have an older child with similar behavior. I don't have a baby but understand how reflexive and awful the rage can be--for me, the triggers were when he was rough with our pets or when he grabbed my glasses (I really can't see without them).

I agree with PP's suggestion of a mother's helper but I would suggest you hire someone who focuses on the baby and can take the baby away when your older child melts down, so you can focus on the older one and have some one-on-one time to connect.

Therapy and antianxiety medicine have helped me stay calm during situations where it's completely understandable--and completely unhelpful--to get angry or upset.

It is so hard. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that worked for us was introducing predictability and structure. We wrote our schedule ( down to the smallest of details) on a dry erase board each day. As we completed something, we drew a line through it. If we had to DD iate, before we actually did the deviation, we changed the board. It worked really well. And, I know it's hard when you have a baby. I had one when we went through this but we still managed to follow through. If there was some aggression, we removed my son to sit on the closest step to calm down. He decided how much time he needed - we had no set period.

We saw an too I left difference really quickly and the aggression stopped within a few months and then we weaned off the dry erase board.

We used clip art to create a visual schedule, printed it out, and put it inside a plastic sleeve so we can mark steps off using a dry erase marker.

PP here. That's a great idea. We just wrote it. Even though my son couldn't read, it seemed to give him a sense of order and really worked.