17-year-old son dating 18-year-old very possessive unmotivated graduate. How to stop?

[Anonymous]

My son is a rising senior, he's been "hanging with" a class of 2017 girl who isn't going to college, seems insanely immature and just seems to be hanging out. I think she's a bad influence and would like him to end it. He's almost 18 and I'm not sure how to go about this. I don't want him knocking up this idiot (she's verifiably dumb and unmotivated) or hurting his GPA, slacking on college apps, etc.

[Anonymous]

You don't stop it. Jeez. Get him some condoms or something, but it's his life.

[Anonymous]

The more you speak against her, the more he'll defend her, and he'll start believing in his defense of her. Don't fight a losing battle.

Hopefully you've already discussed safe sex, and it's okay to reiterate that conversation. If his grades slip, deal with that directly. But don't go to war with him over this girl. You'll push him into a Romeo and Juliet scenario that you don't want.

[Anonymous]

Make sure he has condoms, knows how to use them, does not leave birth control up to his girlfriend, and that he understands having a child means he is financially responsible for the rest of his life. Otherwise, let the relationship play out; if he goes away to college, it will probably be over soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't stop it. Jeez. Get him some condoms or something, but it's his life.

You'd say the same if your 17-year-old daughter was dating a drug dealer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more you speak against her, the more he'll defend her, and he'll start believing in his defense of her. Don't fight a losing battle.

Hopefully you've already discussed safe sex, and it's okay to reiterate that conversation. If his grades slip, deal with that directly. But don't go to war with him over this girl. You'll push him into a Romeo and Juliet scenario that you don't want.

+1. The girl doesn't matter. What someone else does doesn't matter. His actions and the consequences thereof are what you can deal with as his parents. Ensure that he knows what he needs to know about safer sex practices & contraception and has access to appropriate items and medical care. Have and enforce standards for conduct, grades, and curfew and/or accountability for his whereabouts. Don't focus on the girl at all or your son is likely to cling even harder to the relationship just as a way to rebel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't stop it. Jeez. Get him some condoms or something, but it's his life.

You'd say the same if your 17-year-old daughter was dating a drug dealer?

DP. This isn't an equivalent scenario at all because I see nothing in the OP that indicates concern that the girlfriend is dealing drugs. If my kid of any gender was a close associate of someone I had reason to believe was engaging in illegal behavior, we would be having a very serious conversation about the potential consequences of continuing a close friendship or dating relationship with someone doing something that could result in criminal convictions. If my 16+ year old kid of any gender is dating someone who doesn't have red flags for abusive or illegal behavior, I would pretty much mind my own business even if I didn't like the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't stop it. Jeez. Get him some condoms or something, but it's his life.

You'd say the same if your 17-year-old daughter was dating a drug dealer?

DP. This isn't an equivalent scenario at all because I see nothing in the OP that indicates concern that the girlfriend is dealing drugs. If my kid of any gender was a close associate of someone I had reason to believe was engaging in illegal behavior, we would be having a very serious conversation about the potential consequences of continuing a close friendship or dating relationship with someone doing something that could result in criminal convictions. If my 16+ year old kid of any gender is dating someone who doesn't have red flags for abusive or illegal behavior, I would pretty much mind my own business even if I didn't like the person.

Unmotivated girls who don't leave town for university are party girl losers; at 18 it's illegal to drink, so I guess she does fit the bill of engaging in illegal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would and do have frank discussions with my son about healthy relationships and people. Destructive people are not worth anyone's time. I wouldn't talk about her directly but I would make sure he understands that anytime you choose to have a sexual relationship that can result in a baby. Thus every time you have sex you risk being tied to someone therefore choose wisely!

[Anonymous]

I also dated older guys who were still around my hometown when I was a senior in HS. That stopped as soon as I got to college and I started dating guys there.

I don't know that there is anything you can do about it but I would still have regular homework / college app / extracurricular activities rules or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Too late now. How did you raise him in the first place that it came to this?

Basically, this is a failure to parent appropriately from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

If he is over the age of majority, there is nothing you can do.

If you live in MD, please make sure that he understands that the age of majority in MD is 18 and should it come out that they are having sex, that she could be charged with a felony and have to report as a convicted sex offender for life. The statutory age limit in DC and VA is 16, so they're safe from that concern if you all live in VA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is over the age of majority, there is nothing you can do.

If you live in MD, please make sure that he understands that the age of majority in MD is 18 and should it come out that they are having sex, that she could be charged with a felony and have to report as a convicted sex offender for life. The statutory age limit in DC and VA is 16, so they're safe from that concern if you all live in VA.

Not true. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too late now. How did you raise him in the first place that it came to this?
.

Oh please. He's clearly thinking with his "little brain". Don't attack the mom.

[Anonymous]

This is his choice. His life. Not yours. All you can do as a parent is to keep him protected and healthy and on the right track. I.e., condoms & information about STDs and pregnancies, making sure he's staying on top of his responsibilities (school, college apps, SLEEP and healthy habits, other commitments) and that you don't see it hurting other personal relationships, such as with you as his parent. Other than that, let him make his own choices and learn on his own whether or not she is worth it. Good luck.