Husband lives in his bedroom

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have been living in separate rooms for 2 years now. We are getting legally separated. He will go to work, and go straight directly into his room for the evening where he will watch tv for the rest of the night or play Xbox. This is his routine daily unless there is something else he needs to go to. He does not cook or help with chores unless directly asked, and even then, he sighs and acts really put out. He does not do much with our children except force them to play his game of choice on the xbox. He is a good father in the sense that he loves them and he is kind to them, but otherwise, he does nothing but sit in his room.

I have told him I think he is depressed, which he denies and refuses to get help for. I see my children being affected because they will say things like, "dad is always in his room watching tv".
I realize our living situation is difficult because we are separated but I think its hard on the kids and his refusal to see it is tough. Am I just projecting my frustration or should I just not let it bother me?

[Anonymous]

He feels like a stranger in his own house. Your living sitaution will change soon once your divorce is complete.

He'll also miss the kids then and (ideally) want to see them more.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's time for you to move on?

[Anonymous]

I think you're right about his depression and its effect on the kids. I also think there isn't anything you can do if he refuses to see it/get help.

[Anonymous]

I'm not usually into therapist type talk, but one piece of advice that makes sense is to focus on "I feel" - or in this case, "the kids feel." So instead of "You're depressed" or "you shouldn't play video games so much," try "the kids miss when you go outside and play with them" or "the kids would enjoy cooking their favorite food with you."

No guarantee that it will work, but it might make him a little less defensive.

[Anonymous]

Move out as soon as you can once you are legally separated so he is forced to take care of them and interact with them when it's his 50%.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to move out.

Why? Does she have some kind of power over him? It's not her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not usually into therapist type talk, but one piece of advice that makes sense is to focus on "I feel" - or in this case, "the kids feel." So instead of "You're depressed" or "you shouldn't play video games so much," try "the kids miss when you go outside and play with them" or "the kids would enjoy cooking their favorite food with you."

No guarantee that it will work, but it might make him a little less defensive.

This is the right direction. It definitely puts needed distance into the conversation to say, "the kids feel" rather than "you are" statements.

But if they're old enough, the kids could be saying this to dad, rather than OP saying it. "Can we go outside and and play ball" or "Dad, could you take me to the park" etc. The hard part for OP is going to be helping that happen without pushing the kids to "say this to dad," which isn't great to do to them either; it's pressuring them. OP, how old are your kids? Would they be willing or able to articulate these things directly to their dad themselves? Or does dad's distance and self-absorption (and yeah, it's highly self-absorbed to limit interaction to having his kids play his video games with him) make the kids reluctant or a bit scared to ask anything of dad? If so, then yes, you may need to talk to your near-ex-husband and suggest he do more with the kids, but frankly he may see your suggestions as pressure and criticism. It's a tough situation for you, and I'm sorry, OP. He does sound very depressed. But unless he acknowledges that and gets help for his kids' sake, he isn't going to change soon.

Please keep an eye on your kids' emotional health over time. If their dad persists the way he is now, they may grow up feeling they are somehow at fault for dad not "liking" them and not wanting to spend time with them. I've seen it in a similar family, friends of ours, where the dad (yes, depressed and very self-centered) checked out utterly and only interacted with his kid by having the kid do dad's one favorite activity (gaming!) with no interest in being involved in the kid's own interests. It sets up a recipe for younger kids to think they somehow are not important and even might have caused the parent to dislike them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have gotten into this mess to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to move out.

Why? Does she have some kind of power over him? It's not her house.

Two words - restraining order.


He'll get out alright. The cops will haul his butt out. He can play Xbox in his car.

[Anonymous]

Seperated but living together is incredibly difficult to manage. You're both in limbo. If you intend to divorce, get on with it, and don't take responsibility for his problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to move out.

Why? Does she have some kind of power over him? It's not her house.

Two words - restraining order.


He'll get out alright. The cops will haul his butt out. He can play Xbox in his car.

Huh? Restraining order for what? Sitting in a room and playing XBox?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to move out.

Why? Does she have some kind of power over him? It's not her house.

Two words - restraining order.


He'll get out alright. The cops will haul his butt out. He can play Xbox in his car.

Based on what? He is not a threat to anybody.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you could use this to your advantage when negotiating custody, OP. Ask your lawyer.

Not trying to be cruel to this man, but I'm concerned he doesn't have his children's best interests at heart if he forces them to play a certain video game. Sounds very self-centered and insensitive. My husband is like this...