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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not usually into therapist type talk, but one piece of advice that makes sense is to focus on "I feel" - or in this case, "the kids feel."  So instead of "You're depressed" or "you shouldn't play video games so much," try "the kids miss when you go outside and play with them" or "the kids would enjoy cooking their favorite food with you."

No guarantee that it will work, but it might make him a little less defensive.[/quote]

This is the right direction. It definitely puts needed distance into the conversation to say, "the kids feel" rather than "you are" statements.

But if they're old enough, the kids could be saying this to dad, rather than OP saying it. "Can we go outside and and play ball" or "Dad, could you take me to the park" etc. The hard part for OP is going to be helping that happen without pushing the kids to "say this to dad," which isn't great to do to them either; it's pressuring them. OP, how old are your kids? Would they be willing or able to articulate these things directly to their dad themselves? Or does dad's distance and self-absorption (and yeah, it's highly self-absorbed to limit interaction to having his kids play his video games with him) make the kids reluctant or a bit scared to ask anything of dad? If so, then yes, you may need to talk to your near-ex-husband and suggest he do more with the kids, but frankly he may see your suggestions as pressure and criticism. It's a tough situation for you, and I'm sorry, OP. He does sound very depressed. But unless he acknowledges that and gets help for his kids' sake, he isn't going to change soon.

Please keep an eye on your kids' emotional health over time. If their dad persists the way he is now, they may grow up feeling they are somehow at fault for dad not "liking" them and not wanting to spend time with them. I've seen it in a similar family, friends of ours, where the dad (yes, depressed and very self-centered) checked out utterly and only interacted with his kid by having the kid do dad's one favorite activity (gaming!) with no interest in being involved in the kid's own interests. It sets up a recipe for younger kids to think they somehow are not important and even might have caused the parent to dislike them.[/quote]

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