Would you stay in a marriage just because of the kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm totally miserable. My partner & I don't get along at all. There's absolutely no sex life. We're constantly arguing. I know that I'm staying because I don't want to be away from my DS, & I know I'd have to share custody, which is fine because my partner is a good parent. But, outside of my DS, I feel like I have absolutely no reason to stay.

What do I do?

[Anonymous]

You aren't doing your children any favors raising them in an argument filled with arguing. This will be true whether you remain together or divorce (you'll have to find a way to stop arguing).

[Anonymous]

yes i would stay for the kids. Being a single parent is not easy .

[Anonymous]

It doesn't do your child any good if she lives in a two parent household filled with tension & arguing. Children know when something is wrong. Being a single parent is not easy.. but it's also not impossible and at the end of the day I would take being a single parent than living in a house where I have no connection with my partner. Being a good parent is also about your well-being. You deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and makes you happy. You can only fake happiness for so long. It's a tough choice but children will adjust as long as you make it a smooth transition.

[Anonymous]

I would stay if it were tolerable, but it sounds like your situation isn't. Kids pick up on misery. My only qualification to this is I'd probably stay longer if my child(ren) were under about age 3 or so.

[Anonymous]

Before I would ever consider leaving, I would work really hard at an attitude adjustment and at whether we could rekindle some of what brought us together in the first place. During difficult times where I think life would be so much easier by just walking out, all I have to do is think about the life we would all have if we didn't stay together. I have three kids, so my perspective would be different than yours, OP.

There is day-to-day life - getting all the kids ready in the morning, feeding them, straightening up the house, doing drop off at their various places, working all day, doing pick up at their various places, doing dinner, homework activities, baths, packing lunches, making the coffee for the morning, getting kids to bed at three different bedtimes, etc, etc, etc. This is not actually possible for me to do on my own given my job situation. So I would have to find paid help.

Then there is the fact that we would have to move to a less desirable situation and possibly a less desirable school because neither of us could afford our lifestyle without the other. Frankly, I don't like the options that we could afford were we on our own.

Then there is the fact that together we are able to plan for our kids future by putting away money for college and maybe a car when they learn to drive, which won't happen if we each go our separate ways.

And, there is the trauma of our kids not seeing both parents everyday and me not seeing them everyday.

I could go on and on. But, it comes back to this. I choose to a certain person to form a relationship and later to have a family with and once we had a family, I figured out the best life I could give my kids. I don't want to give that up and before I would, I would work long and hard on trying to make my relationship work.

[Anonymous]

What is a DS

[Anonymous]

What is a DS

Maybe she means her Nintendo DS - you know, the little handheld one.

Seriously, though, there is a thread right above this asking about the abbreviations w/ a reponse directing to the thread listing all of them.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not. I wouldn't want my child to witness that, to ever (eventually) feel responsible for a "miserable" 20 years (you're kidding yourself if you think you're child won't eventually catch on.) If you're unhappy about 1 thing in your life it does trickle into other aspects that will also have a negative effect on you child's life.

Everyone deserves happiness. It's a great lesson to teach your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I would ever consider leaving, I would work really hard at an attitude adjustment and at whether we could rekindle some of what brought us together in the first place. During difficult times where I think life would be so much easier by just walking out, all I have to do is think about the life we would all have if we didn't stay together. I have three kids, so my perspective would be different than yours, OP.

There is day-to-day life - getting all the kids ready in the morning, feeding them, straightening up the house, doing drop off at their various places, working all day, doing pick up at their various places, doing dinner, homework activities, baths, packing lunches, making the coffee for the morning, getting kids to bed at three different bedtimes, etc, etc, etc. This is not actually possible for me to do on my own given my job situation. So I would have to find paid help.

Then there is the fact that we would have to move to a less desirable situation and possibly a less desirable school because neither of us could afford our lifestyle without the other. Frankly, I don't like the options that we could afford were we on our own.

Then there is the fact that together we are able to plan for our kids future by putting away money for college and maybe a car when they learn to drive, which won't happen if we each go our separate ways.

And, there is the trauma of our kids not seeing both parents everyday and me not seeing them everyday.

I could go on and on. But, it comes back to this. I choose to a certain person to form a relationship and later to have a family with and once we had a family, I figured out the best life I could give my kids. I don't want to give that up and before I would, I would work long and hard on trying to make my relationship work.

Most of these have to do with money and a current lifestyle. Great lesson for our kids - Money CAN buy happiness.

And "trauma" of not seeing both parents everyday? How about the trauma that you're parents don't love each other? Kids do and WILL figure these things out as they get older.


My mother got a divorce. We were more broke than every before. We were the happiest we had ever been. Nothing tops coming home knowing there will be no tension in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes i would stay for the kids. Being a single parent is not easy .

I am a single parent and no, it isn't easy. But I am a child of divorced parents and I thank my lucky stars they got divorced. I was 5 yrs old so I don't remember it at all. My friends whose parents got divorced when they were older (late ES-HS) were pretty affected by it. Do what is best for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

"Most of these have to do with money and a current lifestyle. Great lesson for our kids - Money CAN buy happiness. "

No, you missed the point. It's not that money can buy happiness - of course it can't. But money can buy education and the ability to live in a safe neighborhood, which are things that I want to give my kids. In order to do that, given our incomes, we need both parents to be living in and supporting one household.

"And "trauma" of not seeing both parents everyday? How about the trauma that you're parents don't love each other? Kids do and WILL figure these things out as they get older."

Again, you missed the point. I never said I would stay. What I said is that I believe my kids would lose a lot by having us separate and before I let that happen, I would work long and hard on my relationship. OP did not identify anything like violence, child abuse, affairs or a paramour. Her issues are not getting along, a sexless marriage and constant arguing. Many people who live in sexless marriages where they constantly argue can be taught through therapy to get the relationship back on track and for my kids' sake, I would take that route before I threw in the towel.

[Anonymous]

PP - I don't think I missed your points. But I suggest you re-read them because most did have to do with money: maintaining a "desirable situation" or giving your kid a car when they learn to drive.

Obviously education is great if you can pay for it, but if someone would truly be happier without being married there is plenty one can do to downgrade their life and make a living for their kids. Good grade schools do exist elsewhere, state colleges are great, financial aid is around. Condos are great to live in too.

I see where you're going with the give it another chance and find the spark again. I should hope anyone does this before really going through a divorce. BUT I still would say it does not have to be "traumatic" for kids if parents do indeed separate. That fear of trauma should not hold someone back from finding true happiness.

just my 2 cents. Don't mean to keep it back & forth.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was a teenager - my mother stayed "for the kids". Everyone would have been MUCH better off if they divorced earlier. Instead I grew up in a very unhappy, miserable family with miserable parents and then dealt with the divorce during my vulnerable teenage years.

I'm not saying don't work on a marriage and try to make things better. But if it can't work, it can't work. Your kids will be a lot happier with two happy parents even if they don't live together.

[Anonymous]

You made no mention of the steps you have taken to work on your marriage. It is a commitment and I think you owe it yourself, your husband and kids to get some counseling and try to work it out before making any big decisions.