Would you stay in a marriage just because of the kids?

[Anonymous]

I would try really hard to improve your marriage, because I think raising kids in a *happy* marriage is generally healthier for the kids and easier for the parents than doing so amidst/after a divorce. But if nothing improves the marriage, then I would never stay in the kind of marriage you describe "for the kids" -- if you're unhappy and arguing all the time, then that's not healthy for the kids to be around. If you go that route, try to find a divorce mediator or something similar so your divorce isn't acrimonious and you all end up happier/more peaceful in the end.

Good luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I would do for my kids:
1. Extensive marriage counseling (with my spouse or alone)
2. Concerted efforts over a number of years to improve my marriage
3. Absent abuse, try to find a way of changing (or diversifying) the source of fulfillment in my life so that a blah marriage didn't feel like the center of my world
4. Recognize that it is my responsibility to make my marriage work, and treat it as a responsibility to my family (spouse and kids) rather than as a choice
I don't mean to sound too harsh, but I feel that many posters on this board jump to the divorce option pretty quickly (though of course I don't know the extent or length of your unhappiness). You made a commitment to stay with someone for life, and had children within that committed relationship. I would view divorce as the absolute last option (not really to be considered an option at all until every other possibility is exhausted). When I've seen friends divorce "for the benefit of the kids who shouldn't live in a loveless home," which has happened in 3 families I know pretty well, it turned out to be pretty clear that the parents (well, one of the parents in each couple) were looking out for their own happiness much more than their children's. It wasn't that they had exhausted all options, but rather that they had exhausted a few for a little while and didn't really feel like trying a whole lot harder. Turns out that in at least two of these families, the partner who left has had a very hard time establishing a reasonable relationship with anyone, and in one case the kids get the joy of seeing another girlfriend every few months at breakfast. Not saying this is the norm, but I'd think very carefully about what is best for hte kids, which, contrary to popular opinion, I don't think is always what is most gratifying to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it turned out to be pretty clear that the parents (well, one of the parents in each couple) were looking out for their own happiness much more than their children's.

Playing devil's advocate here, and I obviously don't know the details or the people involved, but is it possible that one partner (the one not referred to in the parentheses) was eventually quite hip to this dynamic and finally realized they can't change a person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What is a DS

Maybe she means her Nintendo DS - you know, the little handheld one.

Seriously, though, there is a thread right above this asking about the abbreviations w/ a reponse directing to the thread listing all of them.

Geez, just answer the question. Stands for "dear son."