How to explain our choice to family

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,
We lived in DC for 7 years and moved back to NY area to be closer to family after we had our second child. My husband had this grand idea that living closer to family would improve our quality of life. Well, two years later and when it comes to finances, housing, job opps and various other things, our quality of life has gone down the tubes Everything has been a struggle in ways it wasnt before. 6 months ago we made the decision together that we will move back to DC area. We havent moved yet but plan to. Our families are taking it soooo personally and acting like we want to move back bc we dont care about being far from them, that we dont value family etc. They arent being supportive at all and I dont know how to explain it nicely with out getting defensive. Has anyone been thru this? Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how they could be personally offended by financial, jobs and housing. Those are pretty objective reasons.

Lay out your reasons to the extent that you want and leave it at that. It's not like you are moving to NZ.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I think theyre just thinking of themselves and are literally thinking "if they want to move further away, then they dont want to live close to us or be close to us." That is so not true but we have to keep other lifestyle issues in mind and thats what they are not getting.

[Anonymous]

Why are you even talking to the family about this?? Once you have definite plans ( like DH got a new job), then you tell them you are moving. Your family decisions are not up for discussion.

[Anonymous]

Obviously the closeness to family is not worth the financial
Cost for you. It is a reflection on them, whether you want to admit it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the closeness to family is not worth the financial
Cost for you. It is a reflection on them, whether you want to admit it or not.

i


I don't know how much OPs family is struggling financially or emotionally, but I'd like to think that when my son is their age, I would put his needs about where he should live above my own wants about where he should live. I'd like to think I would wish him success, and not take things personally that aren't about me.

Two years is a good try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the closeness to family is not worth the financial
Cost for you. It is a reflection on them, whether you want to admit it or not.

Commuting in the NY metro area can be grim. I lived with my dad and commuted from the 'burbs for a six month contract, and it was hellish. 1hr 45min each way was the best it could be. Three hours to get home was not uncommon. And plenty of people live farther out than he did. It's not just money, it's fundamental quality of life in a lot of cases.

[Anonymous]

I think if you told them it was about finances they would understand, but it sounds in your post you are blaming them for things working or that you are prioritizing having things over people. Which is your choice, but I can understand them being hurt by that

Maybe I'm overstepping here, but I think you and your husband are focusing on outside issues instead of your relationship, how you work together and how you manage things.

You blamed DC last time.

Now you are blaming NY.

You'll go back to DC and have the same issues because you aren't dealing with things.

[Anonymous]

You say that there are not enough job opportunities in your field and the ones that are available do not pay enough to be financially stable. You need to move back to where you have more jobs, better pay, and can afford to live. Explain that although you love living close to family (even if this is a white lie), your obligation to raise your children with more financial stability forces you to move back to DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say that there are not enough job opportunities in your field and the ones that are available do not pay enough to be financially stable. You need to move back to where you have more jobs, better pay, and can afford to live. Explain that although you love living close to family (even if this is a white lie), your obligation to raise your children with more financial stability forces you to move back to DC.

Forgot to say that any family that would give you grief over this decision is dysfunctional and toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the closeness to family is not worth the financial
Cost for you. It is a reflection on them, whether you want to admit it or not.

i


I don't know how much OPs family is struggling financially or emotionally, but I'd like to think that when my son is their age, I would put his needs about where he should live above my own wants about where he should live. I'd like to think I would wish him success, and not take things personally that aren't about me.

Two years is a good try.

I dot. Disagree, but in some ways the fact that op tried makes it worse, like family wasn't good enough/helpful enough in those two years.

[Anonymous]

Don't disagree *

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you told them it was about finances they would understand, but it sounds in your post you are blaming them for things working or that you are prioritizing having things over people. Which is your choice, but I can understand them being hurt by that

Maybe I'm overstepping here, but I think you and your husband are focusing on outside issues instead of your relationship, how you work together and how you manage things.

You blamed DC last time.

Now you are blaming NY.

You'll go back to DC and have the same issues because you aren't dealing with things.

Having done this myself, I have to say this PP is right. Having two kids is hard and sucks. Going back to DC is not going to make anything easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I think theyre just thinking of themselves and are literally thinking "if they want to move further away, then they dont want to live close to us or be close to us." That is so not true but we have to keep other lifestyle issues in mind and thats what they are not getting.

I think that they probably feel like they have gotten close to you and the kids - which was your goal. now to take it all away is sort of shooting yourself in the foot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I think theyre just thinking of themselves and are literally thinking "if they want to move further away, then they dont want to live close to us or be close to us." That is so not true but we have to keep other lifestyle issues in mind and thats what they are not getting.

I think that they probably feel like they have gotten close to you and the kids - which was your goal. now to take it all away is sort of shooting yourself in the foot. [/quote]

This.