DD has a hard time being around people she doesn't "like"

[Anonymous]

She's 10. For example at camp she was placed in a sporting event with 2 boys. There were more boys than girls this year. I advised her to talk to the counselor to see if she could change but all groups were filled. She didn't want to speak up. Now she doesn't want to go to camp ($$). It's become a regular pattern if she runs across someone "she doesn't like" or she "feels" doesn't like her, she cowers, whines, shows a grim, mad look and wants to quit that activity.

My DH and I have explained to her she may not like everyone nor some people like her. It's life; and since she signed up for the camp she can't merely quit whenever she's in this situation. .. . She would perish in corporate America ...

What advice do you give your children?

[Anonymous]

Op,

Don't assume a 10 year old living in the world at 25 or 35 will be the same person she is now. She's ten not 35 in the business world. My DD was like that and the only thing that worked was time and experience. She had trouble working with boys in school so there was no option of leaving. We talked about it ( like you do) and now she can work with anyone.

Have her stick it out and give her a reward if she works well with her group....maybe a treat at the end of the day? Ice cream cone or something she likes? That might get her to push through. Have you asked her why she doesn't like these boys?

[Anonymous]

The advice I give you is -- for now, don't worry about how she'd do in corporate America. She's 10.

And also, she could quit camp if you let her, right? It's just that you're not letting her. So tell her why you're not letting her. And agree with her that it's unpleasant being around people you feel don't like you -- but explain that sometimes you have to do it anyway.

She'll be in middle school next year, probably. I think that you should start preparing for that. The behavior you describe is age-appropriate behavior for young middle-schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about self-fulfilling prophecies. If she thinks they don't like her, so she acts in that way, then they probably *wont* want to be around her. Talk to her about fake it too you make it in social situations where you're not comfortable. Talk to her about finding something good or likeabke in every person, when possible, and how each person doesn't have to be the "entire package." Then as PP said, bribery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about self-fulfilling prophecies. If she thinks they don't like her, so she acts in that way, then they probably *wont* want to be around her. Talk to her about fake it too you make it in social situations where you're not comfortable. Talk to her about finding something good or likeabke in every person, when possible, and how each person doesn't have to be the "entire package." Then as PP said, bribery.

this and I tell my kids as they go through life they will come across TONS of people they don't like-teachers, bosses, room mates, classmates, co-workers, neighbors. Get over it and learn how to get along with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Sounds normal.
Don't give in.

[Anonymous]

You advised her to try to switch away from these kids. So she got the message from you that her desire not to be with them was perfectly good (she just wants to use a different strategy to escape them than you advised). Instead of suggesting ways to change groups, instead work with her to come up with ways to work with them. Brainstorm things that she and they might have in common and ways to have fun even if they don't have anything in common.

[Anonymous]

I can not believe you advised her to switch groups because there were more boys than girls and she did not like that. You are raising a brat! If she did not like the group because there were more black kids than white, would you tell her to switch groups?

[Anonymous]

We have a saying for our (similar) son. "You don't have to be the Mayor of (insert your town), but you do always have to be polite." You don't have to have a ton of friends, you don't even have to particularly like people for that matter, but you do have to use your manners and represent your family and reflect well on us when outside the home. Grim, mad looks at people just isn't ok. I do agree that as she gets older, and well before she enters the corporate work force, she will have the maturity to understand that being an introvert or shy person is completely acceptable, and learn how to present herself in a socially appropriate way. Also agree with the above about offering rewards when she puts herself in socially uncomfortable situations and sticks it out (politely).

[Anonymous]

Do you know why she doesn't like them?

I'd start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know why she doesn't like them?

I'd start there.

+1 and why she feels some of them don't like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a saying for our (similar) son. "You don't have to be the Mayor of (insert your town), but you do always have to be polite." You don't have to have a ton of friends, you don't even have to particularly like people for that matter, but you do have to use your manners and represent your family and reflect well on us when outside the home. Grim, mad looks at people just isn't ok. I do agree that as she gets older, and well before she enters the corporate work force, she will have the maturity to understand that being an introvert or shy person is completely acceptable, and learn how to present herself in a socially appropriate way. Also agree with the above about offering rewards when she puts herself in socially uncomfortable situations and sticks it out (politely).

This is the right message + a little empathy. Acknowledge that some people are hard to tolerate but don't suggest it's a big deal. "Yeah. . . I feel that way sometimes, so I either quietly daydream or put on may biggest fake smile and make the best of it." You can introduce her to the concept of "fake it till you make it." Pretend you're having a great time and pretty soon you actually are." (I also sort of find it fun to be the only one to know I'm faking it--harmless unless you're so fake that it's rude).

[Anonymous]

Are you a SAHM? Meaning if she quit camp could she just stay home or are you then forced to shell out more money to have her cared for in place of camp? If there is no additional cost if she quits camp then I don't think cost should be part of your decision. You already spent the money on camp whether she goes or not. It's the Marie Kondo idea of keeping a gift item or something that you purchased for yourself that is not well-liked because you feel wasteful throwing it away. The money has already been spent either way. So do yourself a favor and rid yourself of the unwanted item. Same thing with your kid, the money was spent either way so why force her to stick it out of she's miserable? I don't think she'll learn anything from that at 10.

[Anonymous]

I agree that starting with allowing her to switch groups as a first resort for problem solving not liking an activity is a mistake. Sometimes people don't like an activity. Probably at least half the kids at camp aren't into an activity at any given time. She needs a pep talk, not an "out."

1. Start with asking why it's a problem to be with just boys. The other girls will tease me! But you will respond with a shrug of your shoulders and by saying My team is going to win!
2. Find out about those particular boys. Are they rough? Gross? Mean? Here are your strategies when they burp, fart, etc.
3. Provide a pep talk. Friend Larla will be right there at the water break! You will bring along a nose clip for when they fart.
4. Be firm. It is one sporting event. One event. You can do it. I expect you to handle this, you are 10.
5. Follow up. How did it go? She will probably say very little. "It was fine." "Great! I knew you could handle it"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that starting with allowing her to switch groups as a first resort for problem solving not liking an activity is a mistake. Sometimes people don't like an activity. Probably at least half the kids at camp aren't into an activity at any given time. She needs a pep talk, not an "out."

1. Start with asking why it's a problem to be with just boys. The other girls will tease me! But you will respond with a shrug of your shoulders and by saying My team is going to win!
2. Find out about those particular boys. Are they rough? Gross? Mean? Here are your strategies when they burp, fart, etc.
3. Provide a pep talk. Friend Larla will be right there at the water break! You will bring along a nose clip for when they fart.
4. Be firm. It is one sporting event. One event. You can do it. I expect you to handle this, you are 10.
5. Follow up. How did it go? She will probably say very little. "It was fine." "Great! I knew you could handle it"

BTW, I realize the above is very simplistic. I'm just trying to give some kind of road map other than switching/leaving camp over a single sporting event.