So I've got two kids

[Anonymous]

with totally different personalities. The older girl (6) is outgoing, likes to direct play with other children and is a follow the rules type with a slight rebellious streak at home but not at school. The younger girl (5) likes to test boundaries, is slightly mischievous and is not a rules follower. Although both girls play well together, they get into it a lot more than I would like. My oldest takes everything literally and gets very frustrated and upset when the younger one won't listen to her (whether it be to stop doing something bad or because she wants to play a particular game). She gets frustrated to the point she yells and sometimes hits. I notice her do this with other kids too. I'd like to teach my older one not to let things get under her skin so much without changing her personality. I'd like for her to understand that sometime kids will do things to intentionally upset her and she shouldn't fall for it. It's a difficult concept to get across. I'm also trying to teach her that not everyone is going to do what she wants when she wants it, and she needs to find other ways to communicate her needs/wants without resorting to violence (verbal or physical). I love who she is and her very strong personality, I just want to provide her tools she can choose from to navigate certain difficult situations.

How have you approached these issues with your kids?

[Anonymous]

Kindly, OP, you need to teach these lessons without worrying about "changing her personality" before she becomes a brat. A 6 year old is plenty old enough to understand that she cannot use violence to get her point across when she's frustrated. This is not a question of her not letting things get under her skin, it's a question of whether you allow bullying in your house. As someone with a strong personality who has kids with strong personalities, let me reassure you that she is who she is. She needs help learning how not to be aggressive and how to be respectful of others around her. I didn't learn that lesson until I was an adult, and frankly I was a bossy jerk as a child.

[Anonymous]

Agreed PP, I do not want her to become a bossy jerk. Hence the reason for my post. She's actually not aggressive, quite sweet and sensitive actually, but with particular kids who know how to push her buttons, she tends to easily react. I want to teach her she does not have to react to every offense from other kids. She can actually ignore the other child or choose to react in a different way other than hitting, screaming or melting into tears.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting that your okay with your 5 yo being antagonizing.

Your 6 yo will learn to toughen up and protect herself from bullies it's just too bad she has bullies in her family in the form of her mom and sister.

[Anonymous]

I'm not okay with 5 year old's behaviors that I highlighted, I'm just focusing on one daughter at a time. Wow, I expected helpful advice on how parents deal with these types of issues...not this.

[Anonymous]

I had my 6 yo write, "I will not provoke my brother" five times; and DS write, "I will not get physical with my sister" 10 times to teach the lesson.

I also translate what they mean to say to one another. When DS braced his arm against DD and she threw a fit, I pointed out that she was about to scoot out into traffic. When DD went into one of her screaming fits, I asked her to used her words because none of us could understand what she wanted. It seems to have worked so far.

We are all allowed to be different, but manner above all.

GL to you! Sibling bickering is the worst.

[Anonymous]

You might want to help them role play how to compromise when they want to do different things. For example, if your DD 6 wants to play a specific game that DD 5 doesn't want to play then DD 5 needs to respond "No thanks. How about we play <other game>". Then your DD 6 responses yes or "No thanks. How about we play <yet another game". And so on until they can find something they both want to do or they decide to go their own ways for the moment.

Help them find the right language to communicate. With practice this can really make a difference in sibling bickering.

[AnnaTjacks]

One of my kids was very strong-willed to the point when the teacher didn't do things her way, she would act out in class. I was a bit surprised because my first two was angels in the school. My strong-willed child would write all over her table when she was angry. So I would take away things that she liked like electronics and games. I would also sit down and talk with her letting her know that this wasn't acceptable behavior and she would pay the consequences if it continues. I had to be consistent and I worked closely with her teachers. Soon they grow out of it and the taking away things really worked. Maybe with your daughter, she needs to see that the teachers can help if someone is treating her bad and she needs to tell you. As for hitting her sister that should be totally not acceptable and be dealt with right away. I pray that God gives you wisdom on how to treat her.

[Anonymous]

These are hard concepts to learn and are things every kid this age is struggling with, even if how the kid deals with it may be different. I would try to remember that this is not unusual and not a personal character flaw.

In my opinion, I think it's best to focus on the actual things she's doing that are not okay (i.e. hitting, yelling), rather than her emotions. You can and should talk with her about her emotions and how to cope with them, but you can't tell someone not to feel frustrated about something. She has a right to feel the way she does but has to express that frustration in an appropriate way without hurting the other person or saying mean things. I would try to help her find alternatives -- suggest a way to say something productive rather than yelling (i.e. "It made me so mad when you moved my art project; could you please ask me before you touch my special things next time?"), and suggest a good way to deal with frustration that makes her want to hit (i.e. hitting a pillow or walking away to get a break).

As far as teaching her that not everyone is going to do things the way she wants them to be done, I think she's going to learn this no matter what because that's how life works. You can help by making sure that at home you aren't giving in to her demands or desires just to avoid a conflict. But it's her response that you want to change -- not the feelings she has about it. Frankly, everyone wants things their own way -- even adults -- but we've learned to deal with it better when they don't go that way.

[Anonymous]

These are normal parenting issues, OP.

You lecture, give out consequences and more importantly point out to her in the heat of the moment, exactly what she did wrong and what she could do differently. Repeat, repeat, repeat. She'll get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that your okay with your 5 yo being antagonizing.

Your 6 yo will learn to toughen up and protect herself from bullies it's just too bad she has bullies in her family in the form of her mom and sister.

Really? That's just idiotic.

OP, take your own advice, don't fall for bully behavior.

[Anonymous]

"Directing play with other children" is a euphemism for being bossy. She needs to learn she can't always be the director. She needs to take turns being the follower sometimes. No one wants to always be the one taking direction. I still remember when I was a kid playing with a younger kid, who made up a game where she would write on a chalkboard and she made me erase for her. Games are not fun when one kid is the boss and the other is the subordinate. Is that why she gets mad, because she expects that kids should follow her orders? No wonder the younger one is mischievous and not a rule follower.

[Anonymous]

Same dynamic here. I talk with my DD about letting things go, and also about pretending things don't bother her. Like you said, people seize on that. I have even suggested she practice a few things for when people are trying to wind her up, like saying "get a life." Sometimes you gotta fake it til you make it when you run a little hot. She seems to have internalized this and at 9 is a lot more chill than at 6. As for the bossing, talk to her about it. You don't want her to have issues making friends. Tell her to take a deep breath, let someone else do it their way, and then she will get a turn. I'm still learning that as an adult

[Anonymous]

Similar dynamic between my older DS and younger DD. Similar with my younger sister and me, once upon a time. I think many older and younger siblings have a similar dynamic. Not the hitting though. Your job is to teach her not to hit, and bully your younger child. Your younger kid can't live at her own house in fear of her sister. That is where you must draw the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Directing play with other children" is a euphemism for being bossy. She needs to learn she can't always be the director. She needs to take turns being the follower sometimes. No one wants to always be the one taking direction. I still remember when I was a kid playing with a younger kid, who made up a game where she would write on a chalkboard and she made me erase for her. Games are not fun when one kid is the boss and the other is the subordinate. Is that why she gets mad, because she expects that kids should follow her orders? No wonder the younger one is mischievous and not a rule follower.

The phrase that my kids relate to is "it's not a game if you're the only one having fun." It immediately resets their thinking when DDs are mad because someone isn't following the rules.