How likely that both parties in the relationship have ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Another ADHD in relationships thread, inspired by recent (helpful) discussions. I'm wondering how likely or unlikely it might be to have both partners in the relationship have ADHD.

Scenario: child with severe ADHD, diagnosed some years ago. Husband's personality looks like son's personality all grown up, and checks pretty much every box on the ADHD checklist (as in, wow...it's like they wrote the list about you, dear). However: the more I think about it and read about it and consider my own past and current life experiences, the more I wonder if I also have ADHD (inattentive, less hyperactive). How odd would that be? We are both reasonably intelligent adults with good jobs and it seems like we both fit the mold of "able to compensate" in many ways because we have other strengths. However: I seriously wonder if we are a household entirely steeped in ADHD.

Anyone have insight or experience to share?

[Anonymous]

Having ADHD is not indicative of someone's intelligence or lack there of. This is a dumb question. Of course you both may have ADHD. Although it would've been challenging to get through middle and high school without anyone noticing you had it. I was diagnosed in 4th grade with it and struggled academically and always have but learned strategies to cope. Struggling with school didn't mean I was dumb. My GPA in high school and college wasn't great but I did manage to go on to get my PhD last year and be pretty successful in my field.

[Anonymous]

Exact same scenario for us.

It's pretty common actually, because there are usually common traits stemming from ADHD, that might cement the bond.

For my husband and I, we are both rather disorganized and slow, albeit with high IQs. Initially it was pleasant to meet someone similar to ourselves, and it was only afterward we realized other people were not like that. The turning point came when we saw our son had extremely low processing speed (worse than us) and could not function in class. Medication turned out to be a life-saver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having ADHD is not indicative of someone's intelligence or lack there of. This is a dumb question. Of course you both may have ADHD. Although it would've been challenging to get through middle and high school without anyone noticing you had it. I was diagnosed in 4th grade with it and struggled academically and always have but learned strategies to cope. Struggling with school didn't mean I was dumb. My GPA in high school and college wasn't great but I did manage to go on to get my PhD last year and be pretty successful in my field.

OP here. I didn't mean "if we're not dumb does that mean we can't have ADDH". I meant that we are both pretty high on the intelligence scale and therefore can compensate for a lot. The question is more to how likely it is that both spouses would have ADHD - did we inadvertently see ourselves in the other in that way? Should we have known better? (Ha.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Exact same scenario for us.

It's pretty common actually, because there are usually common traits stemming from ADHD, that might cement the bond.

For my husband and I, we are both rather disorganized and slow, albeit with high IQs. Initially it was pleasant to meet someone similar to ourselves, and it was only afterward we realized other people were not like that. The turning point came when we saw our son had extremely low processing speed (worse than us) and could not function in class. Medication turned out to be a life-saver.

Thanks PP, this is more along the lines of what I'm wondering about. Medication for whom, and when/how did you figure it all out? For what it's worth I just scheduled an eval for myself and my husband scheduled his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Exact same scenario for us.

It's pretty common actually, because there are usually common traits stemming from ADHD, that might cement the bond.

For my husband and I, we are both rather disorganized and slow, albeit with high IQs. Initially it was pleasant to meet someone similar to ourselves, and it was only afterward we realized other people were not like that. The turning point came when we saw our son had extremely low processing speed (worse than us) and could not function in class. Medication turned out to be a life-saver.

Thanks PP, this is more along the lines of what I'm wondering about. Medication for whom, and when/how did you figure it all out? For what it's worth I just scheduled an eval for myself and my husband scheduled his own.

My son at first. His ADHD is severe, my husband's is moderate (he should take his meds daily, but doesn't!). I was never diagnosed, but strongly suspect that I have a mild case. I daydream a lot, procrastinate, work very slowly, have difficulty getting organized, trouble focusing on unpalatable tasks, yet I manage to schedule and manage the household, since my husband can't!
The earlier you see symptoms, the worse the ADHD is. We knew DS was affected at 6, but only medicated him at 10 when he failed language arts at school and couldn't remember basic math rules. He has a gifted IQ like us, BTW. My husband started meds last year, but takes them only for meetings, and I may never seek treatment, unless my work situation gets more intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having ADHD is not indicative of someone's intelligence or lack there of. This is a dumb question. Of course you both may have ADHD. Although it would've been challenging to get through middle and high school without anyone noticing you had it. I was diagnosed in 4th grade with it and struggled academically and always have but learned strategies to cope. Struggling with school didn't mean I was dumb. My GPA in high school and college wasn't great but I did manage to go on to get my PhD last year and be pretty successful in my field.

This is not true at all, especially if you're not a millennial. ADHD used to be viewed very differently. A lot of daydreamer who did well in school fell through the cracks. People without organization skills who could sit still during class were just considered messy or forgetful. Basically, as long as you could pay enough attention, sit still during class, and be an average student, it was very easy to get by without a diagnosis. Of course, as you get older, if you're not the lucky ones who outgrow ADHD, you probably struggled as classes became harder and required more organization. That's how my life went. I was diagnosed in my 30s, and my psychiatrist said he sees it all the time.

I think a lot of parents find that they had ADHD all along as their kids are diagnosed. It makes sense because there's a genetic component, so it's likely that a parent would have it. Also, you start recognizing the same behaviors in yourself or remembering doing similar things when you were that age. ADHD is common enough that it's not unlikely for both parents to have it.

[Anonymous]

ADHD with IQ in the 130s, as if it matters, and spouse with ADD with lower IQ but incredible abilities in a number of areas including IT. Just don't ask them to do accounting or write instruction manuals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD with IQ in the 130s, as if it matters, and spouse with ADD with lower IQ but incredible abilities in a number of areas including IT. Just don't ask them to do accounting or write instruction manuals.

And, neither of us had a clue about ADHD/ADD until we were adults as it wasn't known when we were children.

[Anonymous]

It was kind of the drug companies to raise our awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of the drug companies to raise our awareness.

You know what? You can take your smug condescension and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Only someone who is ignorant of ADHD would say such a thing. It's a real condition, totally treatable, and these drugs help make lives better. ADHD is linked to depression and anxiety, so treating ADHD helps with those conditions too. (Another reason it seems like ADHD is more common now is sometimes it would be treated as anxiety or depression while ignoring ADHD.) People like PP would rather judge people for getting help and having fuller, more productive and happier lives just because they need help that she was fortunate enough not to need. Not because she's a better person, just lucky not to have developed ADHD and need treatment for it. I hope someday they can come up with a cure for being an asshole too, then PP can benefit as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of the drug companies to raise our awareness.

You know what? You can take your smug condescension and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Only someone who is ignorant of ADHD would say such a thing. It's a real condition, totally treatable, and these drugs help make lives better. ADHD is linked to depression and anxiety, so treating ADHD helps with those conditions too. (Another reason it seems like ADHD is more common now is sometimes it would be treated as anxiety or depression while ignoring ADHD.) People like PP would rather judge people for getting help and having fuller, more productive and happier lives just because they need help that she was fortunate enough not to need. Not because she's a better person, just lucky not to have developed ADHD and need treatment for it. I hope someday they can come up with a cure for being an asshole too, then PP can benefit as well.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Somebody needs their meds adjusted. Sounding a little wired there, PP.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks PPs who've provided helpful info.

As an aside: I have this vision in my head of how the assessments will go: my husband will be told his disorganization and feeling overwhelmed is ADHD and he can be helped. The same guy will evaluate me and conclude "you're a working mom of several kids, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and disorganized with all you have going on. Carry on, and be sure to provide adequate support to your recently ADHD-diagnosed husband while you continue to try to keep all the balls in the air!"

Yes, I am feeling defeated. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks PPs who've provided helpful info.

As an aside: I have this vision in my head of how the assessments will go: my husband will be told his disorganization and feeling overwhelmed is ADHD and he can be helped. The same guy will evaluate me and conclude "you're a working mom of several kids, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and disorganized with all you have going on. Carry on, and be sure to provide adequate support to your recently ADHD-diagnosed husband while you continue to try to keep all the balls in the air!"

Yes, I am feeling defeated. Sigh.

It gets better, OP, whether you have ADHD or not. If you and/or DH have it, you treat it, and it makes the one with ADHD feel better and more capable. If only one of you needs meds, the other will benefit from a more organized spouse. If he has ADHD and you don't, it doesn't mean you continue on the path you're on and excuse him from being a grown up. It means he steps up, fixes his problems, and does better. That'll be helpful for you too. It also helps (at least me) to know why I'm the way I am, so dh can tell that even if I still make mistakes, I'm trying and not just being an idiot.

My doctor asked a lot about my childhood, teen and college years before prescribing anything. He was curious about if I always had it and what coping mechanisms I had tried already. They shouldn't be dismissive of you just because of your hectic life. Do feel free to bring up anxiety and depression concerns if you have them. I can't tell if the defeatedness is unusual or if it's your norm, but the feelings in your post might be worth discussing with your doctor as well as your ADHD concerns. They often go together.