Dating an ex your family never liked?

[Anonymous]

In my late-college and early post-college days, I exclusively dated a man for a couple of years. He was highly-motivated but had a tendency to make really bad choices from time to time. We eventually broke it off and went our separate ways.

Months ago, we found each other through a work event (we don't work together, but I was coordinating the conference he was doing some graphic design setup work for.) Coffee after the conference led to dinner, dinner led to another, that led to official dating, and now we are back together, pretty seriously.

It's time to tell my family, who absolutely hated this man, that we are back together, probably indifinetely, if things keep up the way they are. We are both successful in our own careers and lives. We are happy. I'm just tired of living in hiding. Any firsthand advice on getting people to be open minded and not see who he is now for who he was then?

[Anonymous]

Define "make bad choices". Why do they hate him? Did he cheat on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define "make bad choices". Why do they hate him? Did he cheat on you?

Nothing violent, no cheating. Nothing I want to elaborate on in detail, but typical college-aged mistakes. All nothing the two of us haven't discussed and worked fhrough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define "make bad choices". Why do they hate him? Did he cheat on you?

And I'm afraid they will dislike him because they remember him as he was then.

[Anonymous]

Addiction? Adultery? Abuse? If you're family worked to save you from him based on any of these, then they owe you nothing. They owe you no consideration if you have decided to go back to him. If the 3 As don't apply, then their opinion is unimportant. Why be scared what they think? You should be mature enough that they have no power over you.

[Anonymous]

The details matter, OP. Drugs? DWI? Brushes with the law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The details matter, OP. Drugs? DWI? Brushes with the law?

The reason I say this is because I'm thinking of my own kids and how I might react.

[Anonymous]

How long is the gap between breaking it off and meeting up again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define "make bad choices". Why do they hate him? Did he cheat on you?

And I'm afraid they will dislike him because they remember him as he was then.

I'm a pretty firm believe that people don't change. Everything depends on what those mistakes were - and, if it relates to how he treated you, don't expect a warm welcome from your family for a long time.

And, as Maya Angelou said, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

[Anonymous]

So you're 30s and desperate for marriage and kids?

or

Post divorce and looking to prove you're still desirable?

Don't do it OP.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy who made some big mistakes in college (failed out of school, was seriously depressed and was not handling it well) and my family welcomed him. They were not super sad to see us break up (which I'm sure they could see coming a mile away. Or maybe 10 miles away) but I was devastated.

I would never describe my family as "hating" him though. And if he'd matured and we'd gotten back together, they would have been fine.

Basically, I see two things that are possible here. You BF is a jerk and your family has cause. Or your family is overly dramatic and involved in your life. So which one is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define "make bad choices". Why do they hate him? Did he cheat on you?

Nothing violent, no cheating. Nothing I want to elaborate on in detail, but typical college-aged mistakes. All nothing the two of us haven't discussed and worked fhrough.

If you're not going to go into detail we can't help you. I can't think of any college mistakes family wouldn't get over or that would need working through.

[Anonymous]

The onus is on your BF not your family. If he treated you like trash they don't have to like him, he needs to show how he has grown up.

[Anonymous]

It was typical college behavior. Same stuff everyone else did all weekend, only he always seemed to get caught.

It was 12 years since we parted ways, but we've been together nearly a year, so 13 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy who made some big mistakes in college (failed out of school, was seriously depressed and was not handling it well) and my family welcomed him. They were not super sad to see us break up (which I'm sure they could see coming a mile away. Or maybe 10 miles away) but I was devastated.

I would never describe my family as "hating" him though. And if he'd matured and we'd gotten back together, they would have been fine.

Basically, I see two things that are possible here. You BF is a jerk and your family has cause. Or your family is overly dramatic and involved in your life. So which one is it?

Old-school conservative parents, close older brothers.