Having the "stranger talk" with your child
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Anonymous
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WaPo is reporting that there was an attempted abduction in Leesburg this week. Thankfully the 8 year old girl got away unharmed. These kinds of stories always scare me to death - it's my worst nightmare. https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/public-safety/police-in-leesburg-search-for-woman-who-allegedly-tried-to-lure-young-girl/2017/07/27/69769b86-72bb-11e7-9eac-d56bd5568db8_story.html?utm_term=.ff711c0529db
Since my 6 year old DD is going to the Air and Space Museum in Dulles with her summer camp today, I brought up the issue of "tricky people" and what DD should do if she encounters one. We talked about some of the ruses that "tricky people" use - lost puppy, candy, mom's been in an accident, can you help me find XYZ street, etc. She knows that she should always say "No! I don't know you!" and run in the other direction. We talked about how grownups should never be asking children for help. We also talked about what to do if she were to get lost at a store or anywhere else - ask for help from a cashier or other employee, a police officer, or a mom or grandma with kids. And finally, we talked about what to do if anyone tried to grab her: kick, hit, bite, scream "I don't know you!", and make as big a scene as possible. I know that true stranger abductions are rare, but they do sometimes happen and it's important to talk about what to do. How do you approach this topic with your kids? |
Anonymous
| Piggybacking: Any good books or videos to use as a springboard for these discussions, and things like good touch/bad touch? |
Anonymous
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I 100% do not worry about stranger abductions. You said you know how very rare they are, so I assume you know the statistics.
There are no real "strangers" in our house. They certainly aren't a "danger". We make sure our kids know that ONLY mom and dad or grandparents, or someone they KNOW, would be picking them up. Plain and simple. We would never recruit a person they don't know, to pick them up. Ever. Under no circumstances. If someone says otherwise, run home to a neighbor for help, or run to someone in a store and ask for help. Run to a pedestrian and ask for help. But never will a person we don't know come for you. |
Anonymous
I should add, we don't use "stranger", because those same "strangers" on the street or in stores or wherever, are the ones I hope my kids will run to for help if they need it, not run away from. People in general, are good. Don't make your kids scared of them. They may need their help one day! |
Anonymous
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This dvd is a bit cheesy but effective in explaining "stranger danger" to kids:
https://www.amazon.com/Safe-Side-Stranger-Safety-People/dp/B0009LS9Y4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501162612&sr=8-1&keywords=stranger+safety+dvd |
Anonymous
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I know what you mean. It's on parents mind often.
I tell my child even if that person is smiling or have the happiest laugh, if you don't know them, don't even go towards them. If the adult (men and women) have questions, they can ask the question by speaking louder, there is no need for the child to walk any closer. Be aware of adults that just hang around. And it's not just adults, the teenagers too! Everything you teach them about being respectful, and not shouting, not hitting, in this case, you do the exact opposite, yell and hit if you need to get away. Learn to adjectives so you can describe people, things and cars. And public bathrooms is scary too! I don't cover good touch and bad touch. I just tell my child, NO touching what so ever, even with family. If the child doesn't want to hug the grand aunt, friend, or who ever, don't force them. They don't feel comfortable. |
Anonymous
OP here and I agree. I explained to DD that if Mommy or Daddy were ever in in accident, it would never be a stranger coming to get her. It would be a family member or a friend - someone on her emergency contact form for school or camp. And using the term "stranger" can be confusing - I explained to DD that a stranger is someone you don't know, but sometimes you have to ask for help from someone you don't know, so it's important to know who "safe" people are, such as store employees, police in uniform, moms with kids, etc. I know that stranger abductions are very rare compared to abductions by non-custodial parents or other relatives. But they still happen - the Lyon sisters in MD, the Lisk sisters in VA, the Adam Walsh case, the Jacob Wetterling case, the Etan Patz case, and many others over the years. These are the rare but headline-making cases that are any parent's worst nightmare. In the extremely unlikely event that my kids ever cross paths with someone that wants to hurt them, I want to make sure they can react appropriately. |
Anonymous
About 1-2x /year on our Bethesda neighborhood listserve, we have a report of a stranger trying to convince a kid to get in a car. I don't think it's rare. There was a thread a while back on which many adult DCUM users recalled encountering a predator that was a stranger. |
Anonymous
But the kids knew not to get in the car.  You should really inform yourself how it actually happens. Most of these "men trying to lure kids into cars" are men getting a rise (literally) buy the idea of doing this, though they never take or drive off with a kid, and have no real desire to do THAT. Men could be looking at your kids in the mall without you even knowing and getting off. Creepy as hell, but most have zero desire to actually abduct.
I encourage you to read "Free-Range Kids" it's a good book that goes into this. |
Anonymous
The Safe Side DVD that PP recommended is good - definitely a bit cheesy, but it has a good approach. With regard to good touch and bad touch, there's a book called A Very Touching Book for Little People and For Big People that I've used with my kids. It breaks down touches in a slightly different way: good touches (like hugs and kisses from family), bad touches (like kicking and hitting), and "secret touches"(touches to the private parts of your body that someone tells you to keep secret). I find that this book promotes a child's sense of bodily autonomy - it stresses that when we are all grown up, it's our right to choose to share our bodies with someone we love, and it's wrong for adults to take that choice away from kids. |
Anonymous
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My DD is 14.5 so I'm having different talks with her, but two things from your post stuck out to me:
1. Developing street smarts. So, knowing that the homeless man who asks for your leftover bag of food is harmless, but the homeless man following you is a problem. Teach her to walk out of any public bathroom where someone in there makes her uncomfortable. So if someone is shooting up, holding a gun, etc. 2. Knowing when NOT to answer questions. A teacher at your school asking how your weekend was and what you did? Fine. A cab driver asking what school you go to after tell you you're pretty? Not fine. (That cab one happened to us. I put my hand on DD's leg as a signal to be quiet and I answered him vaguely.) |
Anonymous
| It's hard. I agree that they need to know common sense street smarts. I thought I did a good job but then DD went through a phase when she would glare at people when they would talk to her because they were strangers. I didn't use stranger scare tactics and thought I had a realistic approach. Now we are working on manners and knowing the difference about who you should speak with and responding to grownups appropriately. The friendly waiter or person checking you out at the grocery store is ok when you are with your parents. Not all strangers are bad. |
Anonymous
Agree. Cheesy and effective. Actually the cheesiness makes it less scary for kids. |
Anonymous
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OP - i have done exactly as you did in your original post. The next step I have taken is telling them WHO to look for if they need help - we always look for a mommy or a police man/fire man/doctor in uniform (this is my paranoid self at big events like the fourth of july downtown where I imagine chaos and getting separated). We have practiced looking for a mom and how to ask for help and how NOT to go with them, but to stay put. My son has often asked why he can't look for a dad, and while i know that most men are not abusers or serial killers, I have just told them that they might find an uncle or an older brother and they won't know what to do with a little kid, whereas a mom will instantly know what to do. (i hope)
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Anonymous
| I told my daughter about this and she said "oh no! Did the girl get tricked?" She was very relieved to hear that the little girl knew the same rules that she knew. And then we listed out the 15 people that we know who would be safe to go with. I have also taught my daughter to find a police officer, a mom with children, or A sorority girl. And she will quietly point out Greek letters on the laptop to me when we are at Starbucks. In my experience sorority girls are almost always babysitters or nannies and I feel like they would do an excellent job of tracking me down on social media if my daughter was lost |