Question about grandparents

[Anonymous]

Do your parents ever tell you that you are doing a good job raising your children?

Background: My mom is visiting and (as usual) is criticizing everything about my 4 yo DD. According to my mom, DD is too clingy to me, too whiney, doesn't eat healthily enough, etc. My mom is on her case constantly, trying to correct these perceived flaws. I do my best to stand up for DD - she is a good kid. She can have challenging moments, but nothing too crazy - she is funny, sweet, and smart. Her biggest issues are that she is shy ( and therefore sticks close to me in uncomfortable situations), has a limited diet (we have been close to food therapy, but never got started with that because she continues to pick up new foods), and has been staying up a little too late this summer (and is therefore tired and prone to whining by the end of the day). While reflecting on this, it occurred to me that my parents have never told me that I am doing a good job with DD. do other parents do this? Perhaps I am strange to feel sad that my parents don't think I am raising DD well? I will survive, but am just wondering what is normal.

[Anonymous]

I'm in gen same boat, I feel your pain. Never once have they said that to me, and they are so upset that DD (4 also) still runs to us when they are around.

I just remember all the mcDs that my parents gave us, the no cuno bedtime, and the fact that I was shy to reassure me that I'm doing okay.

[Anonymous]

Not all grandparents are like this.

[Anonymous]

Eastern European? I only ask because my mom is like that, and it got worse with my DD, DS can do no wrong. And we are Eastern European.

[Anonymous]

All my mother ever does is criticize except once when she said that my narration and conversation, as well as the nanny's, with DD made her such an amazing talker. I almost fell out of my chair.

[Anonymous]

Never. My mom takes it as a direct attack if I do something different from how she raised us, even something small. Like if I say, "oh, we like to wear socks with our sneakers" she'll huff and puff because we went sockness in the summer. We are white Americans and my mom did a great job raising us, but she critiques every move I make. It's constant. Our boys are really great children, and she doesn't let up: let them have more chocolate, stop hugging them when they cry ("they'll grow up to be sissies"), he has quite a temper (my boys are ridiculously docile), etc etc. When I explain our reasoning for things she gets angry and says "you read too much". Ummm.

We've actually stopped inviting her to help and visit. I keep telling her that she cannot say anything about my parenting unless the boys are in physical or emotional danger. She claims it's her "right" that she has "earned" to speak her mind about how I raise them.

[Anonymous]

Op here. To answer the PP's question - my mom is from Germany. Interesting that all responses were consistent with my experience.

[Anonymous]

My MIL shocked me one day by telling me DH and I are doing a great job with our boys. It really made my day, as she is the most passive aggressive person on the face of the planet.

[Anonymous]

I am so grateful my mother has never said anything nice about my parenting because I would drop dead from shock and leave my kids without a mother. My mother is Russian.

Our wonderful nanny, who is just a few years younger than my mother, told me I was a great Mom and I had to leave the room to cry!

[Anonymous]

Mine - yes
My foreign MIL - no

[Anonymous]

Mine have, yes. The comments that moved me the most are when they say that they can tell how much our child is loved. Most recently, she went to stay with them for a week, and had pretty much no separation anxiety. My mom said that she could tell she was a well-attached and well-adjusted kid, which was a good reflection on us as parents. She doesn't say it all the time, but when she does, it's really encouraging, since I think she was a great mom.

They also don't criticize our parenting (to our face, anyway), and only offer advice when asked. (As a result, I ask for advice a lot more.) They also don't criticize her behavior all the time (although my mom is pretty strict and on top of things).

And yes, I know that I am incredibly lucky to have such awesome parents. My in-laws have also said a few nice things about our parenting, but not as specific.

[Anonymous]

One aspect of it must be, they don't see you and your kids as often, so everything seems exaggerated to them. If they naturally tend to be negative, then whatever they see will be exaggeratedly negative. It takes my mom a few days to get used to the way our kids are disciplined and she admits it makes her uncomfortable for a few days before she gets used to it and understands it's reasonable.

Another could be, as others have said, a defensive mechanism. Especially if you don't live together all the time, they have to learn and re-learn that you, their child, are now a parent, like they are/once were. Any mixture of guilt, competitiveness, smugness is going to manifest in criticism.

I think your attitude about it all is great.

[Anonymous]

Polish MIL said she couldn't sleep at night because she was so worried about DS's diet. Because we were feeding him mashed avocado.

[Anonymous]

My parents don't talk to me, so no.
My inlaws don't say "You're doing a great job," but they say things that make it clear they think I am. Like, "Wow, DD would have cried if that happened last time we were here - you've really been working with her on managing her disappointments and it shows."

[Anonymous]

My American MIL does. My foreign born mom does too but that's 1% of what she says. The other 99% is pure judgement. DS is thriving and happy. It's her problem not mine. I just ignore her as much as possible (ie I don't react) and that is the most productive way for us to coexist.